Hi everyone, I could really use some perspective on something that’s been eating at me.
When my boyfriend (35m) and I (35f) first got together (8 years ago), he was still figuring out his sexuality and realized he’s attracted to men too. About a year in, we decided to open the relationship to the same sex only meaning men for him, women for me.
I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t. My anxiety went through the roof, and instead of getting easier, it got worse. So we clsed the relationship again.
Fast forward to now, things between us are amazing. We’re financially stable, he treats me like a princess, he’s emotionally intelligent, and we’ve both done therapy, so our communication is great. I truly have nothing to complain about… except for one big thing….
I don’t have a penis (and pegging isn’t something I’m good ator enjoy). Recently, he told me hes been thinking about men a lot. He always reassures me that he loves me, finds me attractive, and wants to be with me, but he admits that women just don’t do it for him as much lately. He also watches a lot of gay porn now.
We still have sex, not constantly, but enough to keep the spark alive , but hearing himm say he’s not really attracted to women right now hit me hard. I want him to have the experiences he desires, but I know if we opened things up again, I’d spiral with anxiety.
I want to be the partner who supports his needs.
I also want to feel secure and comfortable in our relationship.
I don’t know if there’s a middle ground, or if my brain just needs to hear something a certain way to make peice with this.
Has anyone been in a similar situation, or can explain this dynamic in a way that might help me feel more confident and less obsessed with the idea of him being with someone else?
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Have you ever heard the expression “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm”? That’s what you’re trying to do, OP.
Bisexuality isn’t a free pass to sleep with other people. If your boyfriend wants a monogamous relationship, then he needs to commit to monogamy. If he wants to be able to sleep with both men and women, then you need to break up so he can do that.
OP I’m extremely bi. It has not impacted my ability or desire to be monogamous in any way!
Haha other things have made open relationships tempting (my high sex drive, youthful adventurousness), and I even tried them a bit in my early 20s. It was NEVER about “missing out” on a gender.
It’s the equivalent of saying someone needs a pass to sleep with pale redheads because their girlfriend is a brunette. It really doesn’t make sense
Damn… In my opinion, I’ll put it simply. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship. However, if he is not sexually attracted to you anymore (never mind the open relationship, can’t judge, everyone creates their own relationship and it’s not neccesarily wrong) you may need to reevaluate the relationship. You’re now roommates.
As hard as it may sound, and trust me everyone thinks that when leaving a relationship especially an 8year one. Yall can still care for eachother etc… But move one, find someone who loves and wants only you.
Ofcourse please don’t be offended by this, I’ve been really controversial lately got like -30 karma. Diseases are real and scary, best have someone exclusive to you. End this madness.
You give people pleasing vibe, get that away, work on yourself. Modern therapist nowadays focus on toxic femininity, find good ones that can make you do some good work on yourself.
In the end, everything will be ok! Good luck!
It’s understandable that you feel conflicted about supporting his desires while protecting your own sense of security, and it’s important to have honest conversations about what both of you need to feel fulfilled without losing yourselves in the process.
Sis, I understand and get you are trying to be supportive of his needs, but this man wants to fully explore the side of him that is into mens. You tried the open relationship thing and it did not make you feel secure/comfortable in your relationship so you have no other option but to let him go be a single man.