I have been with my partner for approximately 4 years, we live together and the rest of her family live about 150km away. We visit every few months or so, and when we do, we stay for longer periods of time (3/4 days) because of the distance.
She has quite a big family with adult siblings who also have children and all live under the same roof. Things can get quite dysfunctional and chaotic there which is understandable considering the situation.
For the past 3 years I have really truly tried to break into the family and become a part of it, but everytime I visit I feel like an outsider, ‘alone in a crowded room’ vibe. It’s important to note they are not bad people or doing anything deliberate to make me feel this way.
When I’m there the activity usually involves everyone sitting around talking. I make every effort to join in on the conversation, and when there’s a ‘lull’ to start one…however I am always ALWAYS interrupted by someone talking over me, no one ever even acknowldges what I have to say or responds….literally like I’m invisible. The interruption is never relevant to what I’ve said….it sounds like I’m kind of being selfish here and I’m not even sure I’m explaining clearly. I thought this would get better over time but it’s been 3 years of continually visits and really trying. It gets to the point where I sort of give up trying and just end up reclusive back into my shell.
I’ve actually sat down with my gf and explained this to her….she has done so well in trying to include me in conversations…but as soon as I speak…yup someone else has taken the conversation away. My gf explains that noone is actually aware they are doing this…and in a crowded house everyone is probably used to just fighting for attention that this has become the norm.
I’ve suggested to my gf that we try and arrange some socials where we can get people individually and get to know each other we have sure as hell tried but almost always it ends up very quickly a whole family affair and we’re stuck in the same loop. I’ve even suggested we all do an activity together like a board game or play cards…which we’ve tried but then the activity quickly gets ignored and yup we’re back in the same loop.
Anyway…visiting her family has become a source of discomfort and anxiety for me. It’s a shame because they are lovely people and I so want to get to know them and feel a part of it. I feel its putting pressure on our relationship because it actually hurts my gf for her to know that I quite honestly am really uncomfortable around her family.
Any suggestions or words of understanding / encouragement welcome. I am willing to change and find new ways to navigate this but I’m at a bit of a loss?
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I think confidence is a big key here. Say what you want to say when you’re with them. Make it loud and proud and continue with what your saying like their an audience your performing to. Finish what you’re saying even if you’re interrupted and act like you couldn’t give a damn if anyone heard you or not.
The longer you act like you just belong there the sooner it will simply become a fact and you will find a place in your new family. Your insecurities might tell you you’re making a fool of yourself but as long as you have good intentions and keep trying anyway then each failure will become a step in achieving your goal. Good luck out there.
If it’s not your style to match energy and talk over someone yourself when making a point, do your best to speak clearly, confidently and rarely.
Go on walks if you can during these family sessions if it gets to much. You are not going to be able to change the environment you’re going into. Try your best not to be concerned with what they think, just do your best to provide value to your GF and yourself in whatever form that is.
If her family sees you making her happy / doing helpful things and that isn’t enough to listen to what you have to say than it isn’t worth your time and energy.
I am sorry they aren’t into card/board games, that’s the most fun I have with my wife’s family.
Maybe isolate some that are into games and try and start playing in another area of the home.