When my husband and I met, I was financially independent and more than comfortable. I owned my own home and enjoyed being kind of a free spirit. We were both divorced and not looking for anything serious. He was very cautious and almost against entering into a relationship because he’d been hurt and cheated on before. Once we started hanging out, we had so much fun we just never stopped. As things started to get a little more serious he always said – he’s done this before and as soon as things aren’t fun anymore then he is done. I liked his thinking. I never wanted to be weighed down by a bad relationship again so we were on the same page. We got married about 8 months ago. I moved into his house but kept mine. I didn’t like his house – it really didn’t make any sense to move to a smaller older house in a worse part of town.. but I knew that’s what he wanted so I tried really hard to be happy. And we were until something changed about 6 months ago. One thing that immediately attracted me to him was his confidence and self assuredness! But suddenly seemingly out of nowhere he became overwhelmingly clingy and needy. He constantly reminded me every single day how much he loved me and how he can never lose me. At first of course it’s sweet, but then it just turned into – why are you telling me this again? His need for physical touch quadrupled. As soon as I’m in the door – all over me. Not just a kiss either. If I walk down the hall – I’ll turn around and he is there and wants more. If I’m laying on the couch even if my eyes are closed, he’ll get on his knees so our faces are even and get like an inch away from my face and say – what I imagine he thinks are sweet things, but they are just cringey. Like “tell me you love me like you’re crazy” and in between sentences he’ll kiss me in a long drawn out kiss but he’ll do it over and over and over. Never leaving from RIGHT in front of my face. It’s too much! And then 30 min later the same thing. That’s just a brief snap shot, it’s never ending with the touching and love speeches. He constantly emphasizes that he CANT lose me.. it began to feel like pressure in a way. If I don’t seem into the constant grabbing, rubbing, and kissing madness – he acts sad and does something in the kitchen for a few minutes sulking. He also started showing up to my work unannounced. Twice on a day he was off, he went out of his way to drive to where I work and sit in the parking lot without telling me, then waited for me to come out and notice him – and he says it’s to take me to lunch. Which could be thoughtful, but I was already feeling like he was acting a little strange? And normally I’d just go home for lunch and see him there – but that wasn’t enough time.. he wanted to ride with me to and from. I never once got flowers delivered at work while we were dating. He told me he hated flowers for whatever reason and I was perfectly fine with that. In the last month and a half I’ve gotten 2 deliveries. Again sweet, but why now? I’ve never expressed a desire for flowers. I am of course appreciative! And I thank him genuinely, but even my coworkers are like what’s going on – in a joking way. He also once showed up in my building – I turned around and he was there in the doorway. Again trying to do something nice and harmless. When he left, my boss said – that was weird? And I said he’s being nice.
It’s not like we don’t have sex. We do nearly everyday, so I’m not sure why the sudden need for so much..contact. Mind you we text alllll day long as well everyday. He also brings up cheating ALL the time now. I know he is insecure because of his past, but I’ve never given him even a slight reason not to trust me. I work and go home. Never go out or hardly anywhere without him. He is friends with my male coworkers.. I do know he doesn’t love that my children’s father and I are good friends. But he knew that from the beginning and he is an amazing father and coparent and I value our effort together to do what’s best for the boys so that’s not changing. But I’ve reassured him a million times that we CHOSE not to be together. We are never inappropriate, but i laughed while I was on the phone with him while he was telling me a funny story about my kids day, and I heard him snarkly say: aren’t yall cute. And he makes jabs like that often. He refers to my coworkers as my little boyfriends and that’s really aggravating because they are very much older than me for 1 and 2 – I’m not that kind of person. We eat lunch together every day but once a month, I go with my office. I always let him know ahead of time but he usually said – yeah that’s ok, I know you don’t like to have lunch with me anymore.. WE DO EVERYDAY! I expressed to him a few weeks ago I felt like I couldn’t breathe and he was overwhelming me.
I had all I could take after a few back to back in my face kissing weird thing he does – and I told him that I was overwhelmed and needed some me time. I got some clothes and went back to my house. He is DEVASTATED. He said he is sick to his stomach. He can’t sleep (mind you it’s been 24hrs since I went home) I hate knowing he is hurting and sad. I don’t want to break his heart.. it’s hard to stick to my guns but I’ve been miserable. I hate not having an ounce of independence. I miss my house and having quiet time. I am so happy here. I can’t imagine going back but that’s what he expects and wants. We are supposed to talk soon and I have no idea what to say. I don’t want to cause him another heartbreak cause he is a great guy -works hard and takes care of so much.. but I am to the point I am repulsed by his clinginess. I don’t want him to touch me at this point and it’s hard to see how I work through that and open up again. How do you end things because someone was so scared to lose you, they pushed you away? All he has said since I left is how much he doesn’t want to lose me. And I’m the love of his life.. I can’t hurt him.. But – this isn’t fun anymore..
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I would get away from this dude. He sounds like one of those types that annihilates a whole family. This is not normal behaviour. He doesn’t care about you or your boundaries. Please get out.
Actually upon reading this more, idk. Showing up at your work sounds bad.
It sounds like he is cheating on you. Suddenly becoming very clingy and bringing up cheating all the time is often a projection of their own actions and guilt.
Did he recently go through some major changes? Did he lose his job, for instance?
I don’t know what’s going on here, but the clinginess would put me off as well, especially given how shitty he’s being about your ex/kids’ father. You’re always going to have a relationship with him because of the kids, as you should. He knew that going in.
This is very scary behaviour. It’s not just clinginess, it’s controlling and jealous behaviour. His mask finally slipped once you got married because he thinks you’re his for good. It is going to keep escalating. And if he’s bringing up cheating all the time, it’s probably because he is the one cheating. This is REALLY alarming
He’s a creepier version of Pepe le Pew. Run girl
… when I say run, I mean get your stuff together in private, do not tell him, get a divorce attorney, and get out. This man is yikes.
Maybe he needs a dog more than a wife? I don’t mean that as a joke
Obviously you have to tell him how much you’re suffocating. If you still love him, tell him to see a therapist before he loses you. Otherwise, make your decision known and be prepared to stick with it
To me it sounds like his trauma from his previous marriage ie being blindsided by cheating , has caused him to freak out. He was feeling safe and loved with you, and now he is freaking out that the same thing will happen, that happened before. I think you both should either enter relationship counselling, or tell him (very gently) that you sense that he doesn’t feel secure in the relationship anymore, and perhaps it’s because of his first marriage scars. And that he should go and talk to a professional about it because he is acting strangely and you don’t want him to feel that way. Tell him you will go with him.
He’s going to do his head in if he doesn’t get it sorted. And its going to be a huge turn off for you.
Hey OP. I recently divorced someone who gave similar vibes. I think you should read this It may illustrate some things that you have been feeling but couldn’t verbalize.
His behavior is very alarming and please be extra cautious about your safety.
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I would get the ick so, so bad from this behaviour.
It also sounds like he’s essentially stalking you. This is giving serious “You” energy.
It would be one thing if he was just a bit clinging, but the fact that when you don’t enthusiastically placate his neediness he then sulks…if you don’t have lunch with him 30 days out of 30 days in a month he is upset, he doesn’t like you having a friendly relationship with a man, etc. That’s all a lotore than just being clinging. That is suggesting that he 1. feels a sense of ownership and 2. wants you to know that you’ve displeased him.
Personally, I wouldn’t rush to go back to his place. And his need to talk/get answers from you doesn’t have to be on his timeline; you can communicate with him on your timeline. His needs shouldn’t supercede yours.
I would set some pretty clear boundaries and be clear about the behaviours you are concerned about. It’s possible this is the kind of guy he actually is and he kept a lid on it just long enough to get you to marry him. Be sure that you feel he is 100% on board with the boundaries you set, and if you aren’t a sure then don’t go back yet. Honestly, he sounds a bit dangerous to me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. After reading through it sounds like he is either cheating on you or cheated and now has immense guilt. This is the behavior of someone who is trying to overcompensate for something and the accusation of cheating on your end gives him away.