I [36M] am in a toxic 6-year relationship with [31F], and my ex [33F] reached out after 7 years – emotionally torn – What’s the healthiest way to handle this?

Hi all,

I’m looking for advice on how to navigate a very emotionally complicated situation. This post is long, and English isn’t my first language, so I’ve done my best to express things clearly.

The background:

I (36M)(now) was in a relationship with my ex (33F)(now) for 5 years. We met in university and were from different cities. Over the course of the relationship, we did 1 year long-distance, then she moved to my city for 2 years, then I moved to hers for 1 year and finally after a few job-related hardships, I moved back home for work and we did one more year long-distance.
We built everything from scratch, we started small, in a rental house of ours, we didn’t even have lots of furniture.

There was a lot of love, but we were both immature. The distance caused constant fighting, and she eventually ended the relationship. It took me a long time to move on. We had little in terms of material things, but when we were together, it felt like enough.

My current relationship:

About a year after the breakup, I met my current girlfriend (31F)(now), and we’ve been together for 6 years. We live in the same city, but we’ve never actually lived together. She sleeps at my place almost every night, but she keeps only a few personal items here.

From early on, the relationship was rocky. She can be very disrespectful, often uses hurtful language, and is extremely jealous and controlling. Over time, I began reacting defensively and mirroring that behavior. Now, it’s toxic. We fight constantly — sometimes with breakups and reconciliations that repeat over and over. I’m at a point where I think I won’t be able to cope in a new relationship, because I began acting the same way over fights.

I’ve been trying to discuss our future and work on building something healthier ever since the start, but those conversations went nowhere and I stopped doing so altogether. She avoids deeper commitment, and I feel stuck and emotionally drained. She’s also unable to trust me over the simplest things, which usually ends up in turmoil.

The recent twist:

Last week, completely out of the blue, my ex contacted me (we hadn’t been in touch for 7 years).
A relative of hers reached out “by accident” over a call – which I never actually believed – and eventually a couple days later my ex reached out by text “to apologize” that the relative “accidentally” reached out.
My responses were blunt and brief, and she kept asking how I was doing.
I have a feeling this may have been a way for her to check in on me subtly, maybe to see if I had someone else in my life.

She told me she’s been thinking about me, she misses me and has thought about me often over the years. She hasn’t felt the same connection with anyone else, she’s now married, but unhappy. She’s been thinking about me more and more lately and she’d really like to talk and see me. She also mentioned that she’s thinking of getting a transfer with her job, over to my city, and she also thinks that her husband will not follow her.

Her message shook me. I still think about her from time to time, especially during rough moments. It’s always that sweet memory, and the constant wondering of how she’s been doing and if she’s okay.

Since she reached out, I’ve been flooded with emotion and confusion. I still care for her, but I also think if this is real — or just a coping mechanism for her during a tough marriage, which makes her feel nostalgic about times of the past of her younger self.
This also applies to me. I’m uncertain if I’m flooded by emotions due to nostalgia and even if I wanted to go back, I know deep inside, that 7 years is a lifetime and none of us would be the same person.
Lastly, since she’s the one who left the relationship seven years ago, this definitely feels like monkey-branching to me..

At the same time, I look at the relationship I’m currently in and wonder if I’ve just gotten used to being unhappy.

I don’t want to cheat or rush into anything – I’ve always been honest in my relationships and never cheated. I just want clarity in terms of what I’m actually feeling and how to make the right decision for myself and everyone involved.
I keep thinking if I need to take a hard look at ending my current relationship regardless of my ex.
And I’m not even sure if I should allow myself to speak with my ex again, or if it’s a path toward more confusion, regret, and heartbreak for everyone involved.

Has anyone else been in a situation where your past came back while your present was falling apart? How did you decide what was real and what was just nostalgia?

TL;DR:
I [36M] am in a 6-year toxic relationship with my girlfriend [31F]. Recently, my ex [33F], whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, reached out saying she misses me and has regrets over our breakup and is in an unhappy marriage. I’m emotionally confused and unsure if I should explore the reconnection or focus solely on leaving a bad relationship.