Hi
I do really like her still bit I feel the romance has gone from both of us, sex minimal, very little physical contact, although she has always been like this but it just bothers me more now. Arguing about house work loads, she does prob 55% of the house work admittedly but has a massive resentment against me and basically says I do nothing etc.
It has got to a point where I’m looking how my life would look apart, housing, child care, social life etc.
BUT I just can’t bring myself to end it, a couple of months ago it was boiling over (like now) but I can’t physically tell her, i feel like I know there is no going back once I do and I really think that despite the above she does truly love me and she’s as loyal as any man could possibly ask for.
I think I’m stuck in a rut as I’m quite unsociable I really don’t have many friends at this point, maybe a couple of work friends I’ve kept in touch with over the years but no proper friends, and I just don’t know how I will manage.
Mid 30’s male, split custody of daughter and no friends, very scary thought for me
Maybe in a real selfish way that’s the real reason I can’t end it.
What everyone’s advice on where to go from here?
Cheers
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Dude. You have been with this woman (she’s put up with you) for FIFTEEN years and you haven’t married her?? I think SHE should have ended it five years ago. Wow.
Yes selfish because 1. Your reasons for wanting to break up are so dumb and 2. Where will you go if you break up? The homeless shelter?
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First off, everyone thinks they are doing more house work, the best way to prevent the inevitable nagging from a roommate or significant other is to divide the chores. She always does ABC, you always do XYZ. You agree that is fair and never have to argue again. Secondly romance ebbs and flows in a relationship. If things are stale in the bedroom you need to take the initiative and spice things up. Don’t expect her to do all the work…in my opinion most women are kinda lazy in the bedroom so you have to expect to do all the work and buy some new toys and gear or something. IF you haven’t tried one before get a sex swing…my wife loves ours and it was even her idea. Don’t brake up your daughters parents because its getting hard. She deserves to have 2 parents.
I see no mention of couples counseling.
Don’t you think that would be wise to do something?
I mean sure, you can blow up your life. It doesn’t sound particularly awesome at the moment anyway but most of it is within your power to improve. If you think being out on your own is going to magically net you a social life and friends or less housework or more sex then I think you’re deluding yourself.
Being together for as long as you have comes with the occasional dips in the relationship. It’s a good thing if the two of you still have feelings for each other. Instead of sitting back and watching your marriage burn down why not get into action. There are things you can do to bring the spark back. In no particular order some things you can do are, start dating again, get a sitter/family to watch your daughter and go on a weekend getaway, spice up the bedroom with toys/role playing/etc, talk to each about things besides the kid/work/household, consider couples counseling.
Updateme
You called it a rut. You get through ruts you don’t make life decisions based on feelings of stuck in a rut you work to get yourself out of the rut. Life gets boring relationships get boring. Getting through a difficult time is easier than starting over. Think of her as well you’d absolutely break her heart to make her need to start over at 35. This is Reddit all advice is insane when all you need is to have a conversation about your frustrations. Every relationship has this issue trust me having the conversation really does turn things around! You clearly don’t feel appreciated the chore arguments and the no intimacy is all saying she doesn’t say or show appreciation enough.. But in order to receive appreciation you also have to make her feel appreciated as well.. hug her and tell her thank you for the small things! Come at the conversation with LOVE and that you want to make it work not this energy of I’m done because xyz.. ask her where she’s at what she needs for you to both get happier.. because you don’t seem too concerned about her happiness in this and may not be aware that she’s noticed your unhappy or is also unhappy and that’s probably exactly why sex is minimal. Women have to feel loved to want sex and you’re not giving her that by being one foot out the door.
Best advice I got is if last month was better than this month then next month could be better if you put in a little effort.
Talk with her about it. She might be feeling the same way and its an easy split or she responds with devastation and you two work it out. Try, at least.
Couples therapy. I think it’s worth trying all your options before ending a marriage. Take her to dinner too, spend time just you and her in a romantic place and try to light the flames of love, a massage, a cuddle, a date with everything she likes, try to talk to her as if you were rediscovering each other.
Use a schedule for domestic activities where the division is 50% for each person, each person does certain things each day of the week. And the daughter’s care also has to be 50% each.
Go to http://www.retrouvaille.org Sign up for a session for you and her. Get your communication going again. Get connected. Revisit why you two fell for each other. Read about the program. It’s different from other programs. Highly recommend.