This is an update from the attached post here, so if you’re confused, the linked post will provide some context. TL;DR: two years ago, my wife blocked my job move to a situation that would make me happier. The reason why is that the pay cut would be too much for me. Now, she wants to leave her job, and take a $43K pay cut.
Well, to update, now she no longer wants to do that, because she now has an offer to go into a private practice with someone. This private practice would stand to have her make at least three times what I make.
I’m going to help with some of the math, for those who want to know how the math works out for us. I’m a teacher (I don’t feel comfortable sharing her profession) and currently, I make $63K per year. In her current position, my wife makes $168K a year. With the position she is looking to take, she would make $230K a year. (If anyone wants to know the math on the positions in the prior posts, the Catholic school position would have had me make $51K a year, and have her make $112K a year if she took the position mentioned in the prior post).
I offered to her that maybe if she took the $230K position, we could instead switch from 50/50 on the mortgage to 60/40. That was vehemently shot down, because we have a legal agreement (a pre-nup) that our house payments would be 50/50. She did suggest that maybe she could take on more of the electric payments and the utilities.
I’m somewhat struggling. I want to be here for her, but now I’m not watching the 50/50 split becoming more and more unreasonable. I don’t know how to help this.
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Bro what the hell. Does she make you Venmo her after dinner if you have more of the sushi roll than her? Who are you married to, a Decepticon?
Here’s the broken record about: “tell that to her” and say it in the most supportive way. Sooner or later she gonna drop you and you’re
your💩 out of luck cause you let her step all over you.Best of luck. Your wife is watching you drown in real time and isnt even thinking you might need a life raft.
You have a business partner. Not a wife.
What does 50/50 look like? If you are paying off a 30year mortgage on a 500k house nbd if it is a 5M house bigger deal. You signed up to be a teacher and you signed the prenup
She just way over your league
How do you split chores? Maybe she doesn’t want to do 50/50 because she feels like she contributes more in some ways? Only she knows the reason. Maybe she doesn’t see you as someone with ambition and doesn’t want to “fund” you. Maybe she was raised like this. A lot of maybes but only she can tell you.
100% on your side here.
But the brutal thing… She’s got you checkmated. The prenup and legal agreement for 50/50 split. Its brutal that is on the table.
However. This large of division of “My money. My money” mindsets. Tends to rip marriages apart.
You two are suppose to be a collective team and unit. Working together through life without division. Yet, there is massive division going on.
For her current salary, the math works out to be 27% vs 73% based on income disparities for covering expenses.
Upcoming salary, 21% and 78%.
Not saying she has to agree to it. But requesting a 60/40 split sounds like bare minimum adjustment if you two were actually on the same side for marriage.
I don’t know man. I think I would honestly consider cashing out. This severe of division doesn’t not have team energy in mind. Way too much selfishness for my taste here.
This hardly sounds like a marriage. More like a business transaction. This large of division is going to be the death of your marriage.
Marriage is not a 50/50, 60/40, or 70/30 partnership. You are married you are one. Your marriage is 100/100 there is no split. The money she makes is your money and the money you make is her money.
As someone who makes more money than my wife I understand the feeling your wife feels of wanting to reap the benefits of making that much money. But again it’s not a financial partnership. It’s a marriage that is supposed to last until death and beyond.
I think the mindset of her money vs your money is what is in all making this problem for you a problem in the first place.
Me and my wife both share a bank account. We get paid and the money goes into it. Each month the bills for the house and whatever are taken out. If you look at your financial situation you together make 231k and will make 293k a year if she takes the promotion. Take that amount, subtract your month bills. And this is BOTH of yalls take home amount. Me and my wife both take an equal amount out of our total income to go towards spending on unnecessary things “food, clothes, drinks, etc. we have a joint spending account used for doing things together like dates. And the rest is saved or if we want to make a big purchase we discuss it with each other. The MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THE END OF THE DAY IS COMMUNICATION. If you do not communicate your feelings and needs and do not find an agreement on something or respect each other things will get bad.
I would suggest if you don’t already have is a marriage counselor especially someone who has experience in finance.
That’s rough and more because it’s not as common a scenario so women haven’t wrapped their mindset on this situation as much as men have.
I’ve had similar numbers. Her 50-70 over the years, I from 80-250.
When we first started living together 25 years ago she didn’t even have to ask. We split proportional to income versus expenses. Initially it was 50% my net/50% her net. I think at peak we only need about 30% each.
This approach basically views each of our continued time and efforts as equal despite that the outside world compensates us differently.
Husbands have had to face this reality for decades. Hopefully you’re able to shift her mindset to something more equitable.
It is very tough though. It’s much harder for me to find a partner that earns 250-500 versus her doing the same. That’s the unspoken elephant in your home. My doctor friends have that arrangement. She’s making over 400 as a GP and he’s clearing 800 as department head and lecturer.
You should be 50/50 on saving money. You should be 50/50 on spending money. If you both cannot save and spend the same amount, it’s not fair. What did your lawyer say before you signed this prenup because it doesn’t seem like it would hold up in court.
Shit like this just reinforces to me why separate finances are a non negotiable for me. Not combining finances makes absolutely zero sense to me. Sorry man, you chose this AND legally documented it. Your wife sucks. She’s watching you drown and has decided her money is more important. That’s not at all what I would put up with being married to.
I don’t understand why you have separate finances. Did you get married later in life? This doesn’t make any sense.
That’s insane and makes me wonder if you knew she was like this when you decided to marry her. Last I checked a good marriage is a team effort not a selfish one and that’s exactly what she is being.
If you’re drowning on the 50/50 split and she won’t change it – the only option besides divorce is to tell her that you need to sell the house and downsize to an apartment you can comfortably pay for with your 50%.
But I find it hard to believe her selfishness doesn’t show up elsewhere unless there’s some big missing thing you haven’t said. Though honestly this strict 50/50 was bound to fail in a relationship with one partner earning significantly more than the other – teacher’s salaries are no secret.
Paychecks go into a joint account and then distributed to a household account, pocket money (set amount) to individual accounts and the rest in savings. By keeping your pays seperate and wife’s paycheck dictating your lifestyle, OP is being put into a poor financial situation and, if the genders were reversed the term financial abuse would be used.
This is … your… wife?
I mean, I would not nickel and dime my husband. We share everything. Although we maintain our separate bank accounts, we still share EVERYTHING and there’s no way I’d push for him to drain his paycheck when I can just easily pick a bill or two.
Oh wait, you have a prenup for 50-50 for the mortgage? Oh if that’s the case, then she should really pick up the other bills beside the mortgage plus grocery plus vacations.
You’ve been paying 50-50 for mortgage anyway, so what changed that you are struggling?
Are you locked into anything else in the prenup beyond the mortgage? If she assumes full responsibility for utilities (gas, electric, streaming) and groceries, would you be able to stay afloat?
But the larger question is : do you want a partner who is nickle and diming you now that the financial disparity is more extreme than ever? Can you live with that constant stress? She may point at the prenup, but is she pretending she can’t cancel or alter the prenup? Because she can, you know. Why is she being so rigid with money?
I’m so sad for you, very sad. Many many couples argue over money, I healthily and happily do not. When I was a teacher, I made about the same as my fiance, I’m now a nurse and make more than him because he only works part-time now. At one point, we were making around 200k together, never ever have we had a your money, my money thing. Our savings is “ours”, the checking pills our money for bills, which I pay. If I ever felt that I was being taken advantage of or it wasn’t fair, I wouldn’t stay for that. Marriage is a partnership and this is how we manage ours and feel safe.
Diabolical how do you do something that to your partner? Personally, I think that bills should be based on a percentage of total take home. Not really fair otherwise
I think you’re fucked. Any move you make now will simply appear to be out of jealousy. This is why you join your money when you get married, because you’re meant to be a team from day 1.
I would suggest your next move should be one with your own happiness as the main focus.
I don’t know, i don’t see why you want her to pay more.
Why not take the job you wanted?
Why not find something different from the house to have her pay more on?
Why is her making more than you grounds for her to pay more?
You’re saying that she is going into private practice, so didn’t she arguably go to more schooling and rack up more debt along the way to earn that salary?
Can you give more context as to why you feel like she should pay more?
Well you can’t say no on the mortgage because you agreed to that. And, presumably that is a constant so, as long as your salary doesn’t decrease, you are no worse off intrinsically.
You are becoming worse off comparatively as your wife’s salary outstrips yours.
So, mortgage is one thing. Who pays all the other expenses? Utilities? Cars? Insurance?Groceries? Entertainment? Vacations?
There is certainly an argument that she should cover more of those.
And you say the pre-nup was because of issues with your family. What have you done to address your family’s bad behaviour? Showing that you are fully committed to your marriage and will put your wife first is also important if you want her to make herself more financially vulnerable.
As income increases so does COL as people tend to spend more on luxuries and investments. It’s not fair for her to expect you to cover increasingly more since you’re in a wage stagnant profession.
Whose idea was the prenup?
She is being completely unreasonable! Shame on her! Where is her love, respect, and sympathy for you
Your wife is treating you like a roommate. You obviously sense this already. What does she do with the extra $120k a year to herself in a marriage? Just buy assets for herself and tell you she hopes you can afford to retire at 70?
Honestly this sounds exhausting and not a true marriage but a business transaction.
She can bleed you dry and then just leave like that. There’s no way I would stay with someone like this.
No…. that’s….. not a wife….. a best, an investment partner?
Seriously, are you guys even in love?
I make about 1.5x what my GF makes and I pay for 70% of our stuff because it’s the right thing to do and I love her.
Think about it like this, she wants to stay 50/50. If she were making a million dollars a year would she still expect 50/50? Would she be taking all kinds of trips and leaving you at home because you couldn’t afford your 50%?
Take a good long time to think about that, and you should probably talk with her about it too. Ask yourself if the partnership you want is husband and wife, or hedge fund manager and investor?
INFO: I am curious; who brought in the prenup? And is it equitable?
I wonder about the beginnings of these rules, not to say they shouldn’t change, I just wonder given the present situation.
You’re an idiot and should leave the situation completely. Why a prenup in the first place unless she or you you had way more assets than the other.
I bet she works with men who could have her paying zero percent of the mortgage.
That’s bullshit. It should be split in accordance with income.
Your wife, the person who’s supposed to love you more than anyone else, is watching you struggle with your finances and still being such an asshole? The one person who should have your back during tough times is making things worse instead of supporting you. That’s not what a partner does, that’s what an enemy does.
This isn’t really advise, but more my personal opinion.
My wife and I share everything. We have a joint account. I can’t imagine things being separate. We don’t have my bills and your bills, we have our bills.
You got a prenuptial that forces 50/50. I don’t know if you can modify prenups but maybe she should take on more of the bills.
This isn’t a marriage, this is a business it seems. I would never treat my partner like this.
Flabbergasted that spouses can be like this. All of my money is my wife’s and vice versa. You’re meant to be a team that is together for your whole lives. Why should it matter who pays what? This is abusive.
Who pushed for the pre-nup? If this was your idea, you don’t have the luxury of changing it now that it no longer suits you. If it was her, ask to renegotiate something more favorable.
You need a consultation with a lawyer.
You need to make a budget for what you can afford. Make sure to include things like retirement contributions. Also, make sure it’s realistic for the area in which you live. Don’t say you can only afford $500/m for rent/mortgage if the cheapest place to live in your area is $2000/m. Once you have your budget, that becomes exactly half of the total budget for the 2 of you. Then if either of you wants to spend more, that person is responsible for 100% of the overage. For example, if you can afford $1000/m rent then the 2 of you need to live in a place that runs $2000/m. If your wife insists on a place that’s $3000/m then you still pay $1000 and she pays $2000. This way you aren’t forced to live above your means and she isn’t forced to subsidize your lifestyle. It’s the only fair way if you are splitting finances.
By the way, the prenup was a horrific idea just as 99% of them are. Marrying someone while not trusting them enough to share finances is dumb as hell. Better to just not get married.
Marriage is a partnership. I’m a women who has out earned a few of my partners, and I always did fair ratios. I couldn’t imagine being able to save a lot while my partner struggled to save anything.
I mean, you did sign a prenup.
But also she’s not on your team. Your spouse should be your biggest supporter and she’s like, naw man, I’ll do me and you get to figure it out.
If the prenup only addresses the mortgage, that is all you pay. She can pay everything else.
Let me guess, she is a lawyer.
What if you go 50/50 in the mortgage, as stated in the prenup, but she picks up all/majority of the other bills? Would that make up the disparity?
Yikes! I can see reasons for separate accounts in some married couples, but this relationship seems very transactional. OP, I would have her take on more, if not all, of the other bills to make things more fair. I’m not going to be like others and promote divorce, but as long as she’s willing to be fair with you and start paying more on other bills, this raise can benefit both of you in the long run.
Well if you’re legally required to pay 50:50 for the mortgage payment… sounds like a way to ruin a relationship. But that said if it doesn’t cover how other bills are split, you could just not pay other bills.
This sort of situation can quickly lead to a terminal end to any relationship.