It’s my first time posting here on reddit, I have been watching a LOT of redditonwiki on YouTube lately and it’s been funny, but I can’t articulate the war inside of my mind right now. So, if the timeline/events are jumbled sorry in advance.
So I (36f) have split from my bf (43m) of almost 8 years recently. It was necessary, he assaulted me (DV,not pressing charges) and I just said I’m done. The last two weeks I’ve just been sleeping, eating, working rinse and repeat. Yesterday at work I messed up (I work in a food production factory) and this horrifying panic attack set in and it was all I could do to rush through work and leave. By the time I got home the floodgates opened and I haven’t been able to stop crying since then. I was supposed to work today (we’re on a 6 day schedule to catch up on production) but I sat on the bed just… Paralyzed. Went to work anyways and talked to boss and asked for a couple of days off. Yesterday after work I FINALLY called about DV assistance, I KNOW I can’t do this alone. I have tried and that just ended with him coming back into my life after leaving him last year.
Well, I don’t know what I’ve been thinking and doing lately but yesterday while at work I saw his court docket update online and saw they added a new charge. And I guess the implications of the charges and my mess up at work made the emotional/mental floodgates open yesterday evolving into a full blown panic attack. I guess I was waiting he’d show up (now 30 days) sober and ready for change but I know that’s not going to happen. So I have to leave, I know I do. Because if not I’m going to take him back and the neverending toxic relationship will continue. And at that point I can’t blame him. I KNOW it’s me now. I can’t change who he is (and this post isn’t about him, it’s about MY inactions rn) but I do grieve everything that didn’t happen. I have gone through some pretty traumatic situations with him. He is my both my chaos and my comfort. He brings the pain and the love. I know, it’s contradictory, abusive relationships don’t rely on logic.
Idk I just thought “WOW I’m not crying/trying to bail him out I’m OVER HIM!!! I CAN MOVE ON!!”
NOPE. I don’t miss him, again, I KNOW that our relationship was toxic and abuse on both sides (I’m no angel, I have flaws) but I DO love him, greatly. I also feel a LOT of guilt about everything.
I guess what I’m seeking is, how can I unstick, un-paralzye myself to get what I need to get done?
TL;DR bf of 8 yrs was arrested signaling the end of my toxic relationship, now how do I move on from here? Emotionally, mentally and physically.