So I will try to keep this short. My gf and I have been together for almost four years now, she has 2 kids from previous relationship and we have one together. I’ve made mistake of dishonesty with her by hiding financial stuff and porn I used to watch. I have done everything in my power to amend those issues I caused and we had all but gotten past it all. She is honest and faithful but she is an incredibly angry woman. Even was when we first started dating but she offered a kind of companionship I have never found elsewhere. We are and we’re not a perfect match by any means but we loved things about the other that overcame the differences.
For about 3 years now I’ve been paying out expensive rent and utilities bills by myself and also buying many other things we’ve needed around the house(food, a new washer and dryer, vacuum, etc)
We’ve had many fights recently over small things that shouldn’t be fight worthy but they end up being. Since our child was born 5 months ago I feel like I bare so much responsibility and she just does the things she wants to. She’s a clean person so she loves to do dishes and laundry and vacuum. I help out with those things often. I care for our child about 70% of the time. I work, come home, immediately jump into taking care of the baby, she goes to work, I have our baby every night until morning when I have to go back to work. On weekends, I end up caring for him 80%+ of the weekend. She uses her other 2 kids as an excuse albeit a poor one, as they are older. And go to their dads every other week. Her one son is autistic so ok, but he’s not severe.
We fight mostly about if I don’t do chores one night, or if I try to bring anything up to her that I’m not happy about or concerned about. We recently had a fight where she was incredibly disrespectful towards me, which she is every time we fight, I never say or do anything to be disrespectful like that even when I’m mad at her. She has blocked me more times than I can count via FB, or straight up blocking me from texting her. After this recent fight I’ve had enough and decided when the lease is up I’m getting my own place and we can figure out a schedule for our son. Since, she has been very nice to me, said that she’s wants to work things out, yet did not apologize to me for how she treated me. And I can’t help but feel she’s only doing it to ensure her and her kids have a decent place to live. Mind you I pay $1800/month in rent plus $300 in utilities. I buy all the baby’s formula and diapers, which he’s on a very expensive formula that’s amounts to about $300/month in formula. My mind is practically made up after a new fight but I hate to do this to the kids, her kids I’ve treated as my own and they actually like/love me more than their own dad. Is there anyway to save this? She’s not the kind of person to accept her faults and failings so idk what to do because I don’t want the kids to suffer. But I’m also done being the one who sacrifices and suffers so everyone else can be happy. I literally get maybe 2 hours a week of me time. And I’m struggling
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The best time to leave was before the kid the second best time is right now. good on you
Trust your intuition. If you feel that she is using you, most likely she probably is.
Wait, she works nights? When does she sleep?
Sounds like she only views you as someone to pay the bills. Do not fall for the love bombing. Once you give in, she will go back to her old ways. If it is possible, you should move out before the lease is up. Do you have family or friends close by you can stay with?
Sounds like your entire relationship is about parenting. Like I don’t see anything in here about whether you two do anything together or enjoy each other’s company etc. You all sound more like roommates, except that she kind of takes advantage of your money and chores etc. So I guess I really don’t see why you would want to stay with her. Especially if she’s pretty mean it seems like a very good reason to separate and start to find someone who values you as a partner and doesn’t take advantage of you.
If anything, I would say you need to figure out how to stick to your guns and not let her rope you back in
Have you tried splitting the bills?
You sound like an overwhelmed new parent. If you two can’t get past this with an agreed upon compromise like scheduling your weekend and free time caring for the baby and doing chores.
There is probably more to this story, too. You see your actions and behavior as perfect, she clearly doesn’t. There is a grey area here where you’re both pretty awesome and both kind of suck. That’s life.
You probably found out the same thing her other baby daddy found out.
Damn she’s lucky and still treats you like crap. Get to keep her money, you taking care of her kids, and doing chores.. watching the baby etc. She doesn’t know how good she got it until she loses it. She’s very ungrateful. I’m telling you nice people finish last. You’re a good guy who I can tell loves her.
Let me tell you, I used to be a wife, the only one working, taking care of ex husband’s child from a previous relationship and mine with him.. cook, clean etc you name it. I did it because of the kids, and thinking things will get better. I was wrong. I was burnt out.. this ungrateful a..hole decided to cheat on me and comes home 4 in the mornings etc. I filed for divorce and have my kid who I have with him, his kid went back to her mother, and now he’s with another woman and her kid. Long story short, if you’re not happy, and you know you deserve better, you have to let go. Idc if you wanna stay for the kids, I’m telling you the kids would want to see their dad or “dad” happy. If you’re already doing stuff by yourself, you might as well be alone. I am alone, and the happiest I have ever been! No one is going to treat me like sh*t and not see my worth! You gotta let her be. Love yourself first and foremost. Now I am happy with new boyfriend and living separately until I get married again later in life.
Do you really want to live with a woman with anger issues who doesn’t believe she has any faults who doesn’t apologize at all.
Why are you with someone who sounds so terrible? When will someone pull the plug on the suffering?
If she is making you feel like she is using you that is real. You don’t owe her anything
So for three years of almost four years together you have felt like you’re being used. Right? Then why have you spent nearly the entirety of a four year relationship feeling used? Why did you think bringing a child into this situation was a good idea?
But, ok, you acted like my kid brother. Sorry.
Really though, this is the life you’ve checked yes on. And it just is your life now. Good luck finding some life that you both like better.
Ur a beta raising another mans kid, id hate myself if i was you
Get out!…..Now!
And you foolishly decided to have a child with her. Nonsense
If she is dismissive of your feelings and doesn’t try to work with you on things, she isn’t invested enough. I would leave if I were you. I’m sorry.
You sound like you r both working a lot and don’t get much time for yourselves. 3 young children are a lot of work too. Do U have any relatives who can help out for a few hrs so u can have some time together on your own? If yes give it a try having dates again.
This is something you need to work out over couples counseling.
When one person talks about splitting up, it isn’t uncommon that the other person promises changes. But as you seem to know that isn’t the same as real change.
Having a newborn is a tough time, and an extra stressful time.
You clearly have some resentment build up over the work and money split.
You don’t mention her working or not working, or if she is getting child support. Or how much the two you are able to save if any.
There are also some things that are household income expenses not just ‘hers’- the food and care for your child are particularly your responsibility. And the appliances are for household laundry which is presumably something you also benefit from.
Would it help having a chore chart where you each see how much time both of you put into everything? After 5 months , she should be recovering mostly from the birth, unless there were complications.
Keep going ahead with your plans. This relationship is not working out, she’s only being nice until you re-sign that lease then it will go right back to the way it’s going. Her blocking you on social media or texting is extremely manipulative. The fact you say she won’t take accountability for her actions or her behavior suggest she has a narcissistic traits. You even said that she’s an angry woman even when you first met. You can’t live with that forever. It’ll slowly drain you of your happiness. My friend married a guy who was unhappy person. I mean, he’s still unhappy. She put up with that shit for 23 years and it was miserable. Now she wonders why she stayed so long. She can’t stand the sight of him now. My point, don’t let that be you. Also- make sure you wear condoms that you buy. Don’t let her get pregnant with another kid in an effort to make you stay.
Get your own place and get your life back. Figure out custody and child support and go from there. I know you love her kids like your own, but it gets to the point where you have to put your well-being first. I dated a guy with two children, and I stayed too long because of the kids. I wished I had left sooner, it would’ve saved me a lot of trouble and grief. Sometimes you don’t realize what you’re putting up with until you’re not putting up with it anymore.
You can work on your communication. Does either one of you have any mental health benefits because of therapist could be a great tool in this situation.
You have a five month old child that’s soo demanding she watches a baby during the day and has to work in the nights ? Parenting one child is hard but a baby and 2 older kids is tuff. I’m sorry you are going through this . Totally understand how difficult this time is for parents.
Do you have any support system ? Extended family anyone that can watch the kids sometimes? Maybe couple of hours on a weekend even so that you can get away for a bit and maybe just talk to each other and discuss about how you feel ? Good communication can make a difference. I think for the sake of the children you should try to find a quiet time when you can both maybe take a walk together or do something in a different environment and just have a heart to heart chat about how you feel .
drop that broke ass skank and move on. you don’t owe her shit
Thank you to everyone who took time to give insight. I was already pretty convinced, now I focus on taking the best care of my son and myself I can.