I have had a lifelong friendship with this person. I grew up in a very abusive horrible home. One of my parents died when I was a very young child and the other parent struggled with severe mental illness we were very poor. This person has been my friend since early childhood. Because of the way I grew up. I have struggled with boundaries. I was so desperate for love and care that for decades of my life I overgave in every relationship except for the one with my husband. The miracle of my life is my angel husband. He loves me so much and has enabled so much healing in my life.
Going back to my friendship with this person, I realized a few years ago that every conversation, every interaction was pretty much about her. What was going on in her life her issues with other people which we would pick apart and analyze for hours when we would meet. In my opinion, she is petty. She is jealous of anyone who’s doing better than her financially or has a bigger house, most all of our conversations revolved around her thoughts about this person or that person and why whatever they have isn’t real, etc. I also began to notice a few years ago that I was very uncomfortable with how she talked about people in general I felt that she went below the belt a lot. She’s one of those people that identifies her personality as someone who doesn’t like other people because she thinks she can see through them or whatever. To me that’s bullshit and she’s just petty, jealous, insecure and doesn’t give people a chance.
anyway, it’s been for a few years now that I’ve realized we are not aligned and are thinking pretty much about anything but because I have issues and I do care very much about her family and her kids we both have kids, I continued the friendship with her. She opened a business, and I was incredibly supportive of that, taking her calls and encouraging her, and she was scared not to give up. I supported her business by coming in constantly and buying things, promoting again on social media and just telling how proud I was of her. She didn’t need any of this from me, but I wanted her to feel supported by me. Then a few years ago, one of her parents had a very scary health issue and again I was there buying food visiting at the hospital, and being supportive, taking phone calls talking through things.
Not so long ago one of my children was very sick. It was the hardest time of my life she was in and out of the ICU for almost 7 months, they thought she might have a life altering lung disease. Simultaneously while this was happening, I also had a very serious health issue that required emergency surgery and months of healing and wearing a wound VAC. I almost died because of this issue, and while I was trying to get well, I was caring for my child who was very sick with an undiagnosed illness. I cannot describe the amount of stress I was undergoing during this time. The people around me that actually love and care for you were there for me, this friend was not, she did not call really or check in on me, she never sent food she would ask once every few weeks at most over text how we were doing. The disparity between what she expected and what she was offering was huge.
Additionally she was very rude and mean to me one of the times that we did talk because she felt that i had crossed a line by asking one of her stylist whose number she had given me, to come to my house while my son was in the hospital because I could not get there. It had been a few months and I needed a haircut. I had no idea that I was crossing the line by doing this, but there was not even a thought on her part about what I was going through, she just sent me this mean and bitchy text as did her stylist saying that I had crossed some kind of invisible salon etiquette line. I still don’t even understand what I did. This really open my eyes.. here I was very sick myself dealing with my son who was hospitalized in a different state and she couldn’t even be kind to me.
A few months went by and I confronted her about this when I was feeling better and said that it hurt me so deeply and that if we were going to continue being friends, I needed her to step up and be nice be considerate I needed her to also pour into the friendship. I realize now that I should’ve just ended the friendship completely when this happened. Instead of taking a responsibility, she exploded on me told me that I was rude and entitled, and everyone in her salon thought so. I still cannot understand why she would say this to me. I’ve seen the people who work in her salon outside of her salon a few times in they’re always so friendly and nice I over tipped and was always so nice to everyone when I was in there so I don’t understand why she said that I think she said it because she, felt the need to attack me.
We had a horrible fight and I was very upset about it even though once again, I should’ve ended the friendship then because we have such a long history and I care about her kids and I hate being mean and hate saying mean things to people I even reached out to her husband who is a friend of mine and said I was sorry for losing my temper I could please tell her I was sorry. She reached back out to me and said she was sorry too and as far as I knew, we were going to try and work on the friendship.
Fast-forward to now, I have messaged to see her a few times in the over 6 months since our blowup, it is clear to me that she does not want to continue the friendship as she hasn’t even responded really. I also have had time to really think about the things she said to me the kind of friend she is to me and I pretty much came to the conclusion that I knew longer want to continue any contact, I feel like she has disrespected me so much that at her core she is a mean non-empathetic damaged person.
I reached out to her the other day because even though she has basically ignored my attempts to get together and talk, my husband does business with her, I actually was having a lot of anxiety about further entangling our business with theirs. I don’t really want to be associated with this person in any way anymore. Additionally because of strong boundaries that I’ve been recently putting in place, when someone repeatedly disrespects me I feel that it is OK to say we’re not going to help you in anyway. When I texted her the other day I said I know my husband is supposed to work with you on XYZ, but I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable about further entangling and any sort of business situation with you because you have disrespected me so many times and you’re clearly not interested in repair or moving forward in the relationship, so I think it’s probably best to disentangle completely from each other’s lives, and have a clean break.
It astounded me that she basically said that she didn’t believe that my husband would want to disentangled professionally from them because of her disrespect towards me and basically said that she didn’t care what I was saying . Unfortunately, for her that did not go well with my husband and he texted her later and said it’s over and he will be in touch on how to move forward but they would not be continuing a professional relationship of any kind after this.
obviously, since this happened, I feel very sad and upset, I guess I’m looking for some opinions on whether it was too harsh of my husband, and I to say no, we are not going to work with you professionally either. Like if you’re going to disrespect me then that’s it. We are going to disentangle. Just looking for advice thanks if you’ve made it this far.
Comments
She’s not a friend. Not a true one.
Very very very simple test to know who your real friends are:
When you are sad, they are sad for you. When something good happens to you, they are truly happy for you.
That’s it.
I would bet a lot of cash that when you have problems in your life, this ‘friend’ of yours one-ups you instead. Tells you that your shit isn’t that bad compared to what she’s going through.
And when good things happen to you, she either gets nasty and accuses you of throwing your good fortune in her face, or she explains how much better she has it than you.
She is not a good person. You recognized that a long time ago. People who aren’t nice to others tend to not be nice to anyone.
You did the right thing ending that friendship. She is a taker. Selfish…all about herself….uncaring, unfeeling, lacks compassion..I would’ve ditched her ass a long time ago. You and your husband did absolutely the right thing. I match effort with effort in my relationships and friendships and you gave so much better than you got!
You can’t trust her, not with friendship and certainly not in business. Untangle yourself and be free. Nurture the relationships that feed your soul. Husband is awesome❤️
It’s easy to take, and unfortunately some people stop seeing the effort others are making for them and start to feel entitled. That sounds like the case here. She’s had no problem helping herself to all you offered, yet when you ask her to pour a little back in, then she goes off.
Insecure people will always find the negativity in others. They have to see the worst in people to make themselves feel better, though often what we see in others are things we recognise in ourselves, even if we don’t know it. Or we see them in a negative light because we’re projecting ourselves onto them. So her only seeing negative stuff in people and always imagining the worst about them is very telling.
Any negative thoughts the people at that salon might have about you will be ones she has given them based on what she’s said about you to them. And she’s blatantly telling you she talks about you behind your back. Have you ever tried to say negative things about someone other people aren’t talking about or only have good things to say? So if they’re saying sh!t about you to your supposed friend, that’s because she’s talking sh!t about you right along with them.
Although, most likely, she’s dragging them in to make you feel insecure and to back up her claims. If she’s alone in telling you she thinks you’re doing sh!tty stuff, that’s her opinion against yours. If suddenly five, six, whatever amount of people are supposedly backing her, of course you’re going to assume the majority is right or at least question yourself and become insecure and uncomfortable. They might never have said a word to her, but you have no way of verifying that. Even if you confronted them, you’d never know if they were telling the truth or lying. Still, since the one person sent you a bunch of unprofessional garbage bc you asked for some help when your son was sick, maybe better to find a different place. No need to expose yourself to undue stress.
She’s not being a friend, nor is she being professional. Your husband has every right to cut work ties. Such things, like in this instance, were started due to a friendship, that privilege goes away when the friendship does. And she’s shown a side that’s very valid for him to not want to deal with. Reputation matters, and her personality was what caused all this.