I’m going anonymous for privacy reasons, although I’m not too active on here. But this has been one of the most stressful and confusing moments in my life, and in my marriage. We’ve never had issues like this.
A short backstory for context: husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have a 13 y/0 (m) and 2 y/0 (f). When I was pregnant we decided to hire a nanny. We both work very demanding jobs and wanted our young daughter to have personalized attention at home. This was serious thing for us. We went through a placement agency and found a perfect fit. A more young girl (23f at the time, 25f now). She has become like a second daughter. She’s so much like our little daughter: sensitive, playful and very sweet. She also appears younger than what she actually is, and our daughter has taken to calling her “sissy”. Our little girl is extremely attached to her, more so than me at times.
Things were well for these past two years that she’s been with us. Because it is summer, our son is at home for most of the days unless he has soccer, piano lessons or is hanging out with his friends. Our daughter goes to her grandmothers two times a week for half the day, and during this time our nanny is free to do whatever she desires (however, if son isn’t at lessons or the like she has to stay at least 15 minutes in the area if he’s at home/ in the neighborhood).
The problem didn’t start until about a week ago. I noticed our nanny acting a bit strange. She became less talkative, a bit distant and really only solely spoke to our daughter with warmth. This isn’t usual for our relationship (professional but relaxed and open). She lives with us during the weeks when husband and I have travel, late nights etc. (there’s a night nanny who takes over most things around 6pm during these times, otherwise she’s off at 6). So we’ve gotten comfortable with each other; it was important to me for it to be like a home to her, because it is her home too when she’s there. (She lives in the duplex, which is like her own apartment when off duty for her privacy.) So I started to become concerned after the week passed, and she was still acting strange. I asked my husband if he noticed anything or had an idea about anything that could’ve caused her sudden change in behavior, but he was just at a loss than I was.
On Saturday, when she was out of the house (her off days are F – M), my son approached me in a very flustered state. He was nervous appearing about something, and I had a strong feeling it was about what I had been suspecting. I was right in the most unfortunate way.
He told me that he had done something wrong. I asked him what. He hesitated for a while before telling me. He told me that “a little bit ago” (confirmed: about a week ago when this started), when he came back from soccer, he saw our nanny in her room undressing. Baby sister was napping during this time. He said that she saw him after a while, and was frozen for a moment, before telling him to leave and slammed the door. I asked him if he looked away when he saw her, but he said that he wanted to, but he “couldn’t”. I’m not going into more detail. He found her beautiful, she is, I knew he had a crush but he always kept it under control because he’s a respectful boy. That’s how we raised him. When I asked him why he decided to tell me now he said because he “felt bad” and didn’t want the nanny to think he was weird or disgusting, or for her to tell us something that wasn’t true.
I told him I appreciated him telling me, although I was very upset. I said I would need to speak to his father about what to do next. It made sense then why our nanny’s behavior changed. I felt so ashamed. My husband was shock as well, but his reaction wasn’t what I expected. He said that it shouldn’t be surprising that he wasn’t able to look away, he’s only 13, experiencing puberty, she’s beautiful etc. but that he wasn’t blaming her, but that for both their sakes we should just let the matter go to avoid unnecessary tension in the house. I told him that literally none of that mattered. I understand he’s only a child, but that doesn’t mean we make excuses for what he did and not address it. That there needed to be a consequence. I suggested for son apologizing to the nanny, which husband thought wasn’t the best idea, but first I needed to speak to her.
This morning I spoke to her. Her reaction broke my heart. I’m fiercely protective of my children and would defend them to the ends of the earth, but when she told me the reason she didn’t tell me was because she didn’t think we’d believe her, or that she would’ve been fired, my heart literally broke. “I should’ve closed the door all the way.” “I should’ve heard that he came home” (our door chimes when opened).
I don’t know what to do. I told her that she’s safe, absolutely NOT getting fired and that our son had admitted. But now she’s not comfortable with him, and feels ashamed of it and having feelings of disgust toward him because of him being a child. Although she doesn’t “nanny” him like our daughter, she still was around him for two years, driving him places and interacting. I told her that for now, just focus on our daughter, and I would arrange for our son to get to where he needs to go by other means for the time.
So this is where I’m at. I don’t want this to become a us vs. her or anything. My son is not a bad child. I do believe he genuinely feels bad. He’s never been disrespectful towards the nanny before, but I am a bit hurt by his actions. It scares me, as he’s entering his teenage years. But the main problem is my husband. He completely wants to rug sweep this. Any time I try to suggest how to repair, he shuts down. This morning he literally told me, “would you just let it go.” It was like a slap in the face. We’re supposed to be a team, parenting our children together. Him as father plays a big role in our sons development through puberty, and I wanted us to be on the same page about this. A consequence. A serious talk. Not rug sweeping. I look at him in the face and am seeing a different man. Why is he acting this way? What about our nanny’s feelings? I know that I’m going to have to “put my foot down” somehow, but I don’t want this to seriously impact our marriage. But I have no idea how to approach this with him.
tl;dr: Husband’s reaction after our sons inappropriate behavior is shocking me. He doesn’t want to address the problem and only wants to sweep it under the rug. I don’t know how to approach those problem with him. How can I get us on the same page?
Comments
I need a little context, can you start by telling me what culture you belong to?
I find all of this most peculiar.
What consequence do you have in mind for your son???????????????
First, your son is not wrong for his reaction. It was an accident and she left her door open. Had it been closed, this would never have happened. Plus, she is the adult.
However, I’m a mom to adult son’s who would have sat down with both of them. And assure her that I value everything she does and consider her like family. That you would like to have a family discussion with her and your son, stressing that she’s not fired.
I believe your husband’s reaction is because society has a tendency to blame boys. When you meet, they need to both take responsibility for their roles in this. Then ask how they would like to move forward, without it being awkward.
I don’t see the serious issue here. Your son is growing up, he wasn’t snooping around hoping to catch the nanny undressing, he happened to see her and had a lapse in judgement and didn’t look away. He’s 13!
I think the discussions have handled the situation enough and you dragging it out is only going to make it worse.
I doubt it will happen again and over time, everyone will relax and I am sure it will be okay.
I am trying not to be insensitive to your nanny’s or your distress, but Im wondering what outcome you are hoping for.
Your son seems like a really respectful kid. He was honest. He wasn’t intentionally peering or looking for her naked.
I grew up with 2 siblings, and accidentally walking in on someone mid-dressing just happens occasionally.
And a 13yo boy seeing his first nude (?) woman, completely unexpectedly. Its understandable he would freeze for a few seconds.
I agree that you need to keep them separated for some time. If she is truly distraught to the point of quitting or just needs someone to talk with, perhaps you could pay for a few therapy sessions.
I don’t think rugsweeping is the answer. But neither is it to make this a bigger deal than it is. Your son shouldn’t be made to feel as if he did something so morally wrong, he should forever be ashamed of himself. He made a mistake almost any kid in that situation would.
This sounds like long-winded AI crap, but the maid is correct: she should have closed the door when changing. The son is guilty of nothing but being understandably frozen in that moment, and there’s nothing for anyone to talk about at all. Let it go.
You’ve never been stunned into silence and inaction before?
Truly, I think you need to exercise a bit more compassion towards your son.
It happened, it was embarrassing. You might want to check in with the nanny to see if there is anything SHE needs to be able to move forward. Ask her if she wants an apology, or if she would prefer dropping it, or if she needs to switch jobs, accept that and act accordingly. Again, what she needs, not what you need or you think she needs.
Your husband is being clueless and insensitive, but you are overreacting in shaming your son. Your husband is underreacting. Which I guess puts you together at neutral. Maybe try to meet in the middle.
Reflect on why this bothers you so much.
OP, you seem very intelligent and compassionate. As a former nanny with many nanny friends, I want to thank you for being understanding toward her feelings about this situation.
Your son coming to you and telling you shows that you have raised him well as he is aware that his actions affected someone else negatively. I believe you when you say his actions weren’t malicious, and it is great that even at 13, he is aware that regardless of INTENT, when your actions affect someone else negatively, amends should be made.
I’m so sorry your husband is wanting to sweep this under the rug to avoid an awkward situation. I completely agree with you that wouldn’t be a good lesson for your son to learn.
This doesn’t have to be a “punishment” situation, but more of an accepting responsibility, apologizing, and teaching him that even though he apologized, it is up to her to decide what her boundaries are going forward. A “sometimes our actions hurt people even when we don’t mean to, everyone has a different history and different experiences – sometimes when we break trust we have to rebuild it” situation.
I think it may be beneficial to speak with your nanny before talking with your son about what your plan is so she can start to process it beforehand, especially since he is a child and this should be a learning experience.
I absolutely understand this would be both easier and more effective if your husband was on the same page as you. I wish I had advice on how to handle that part of the equation.. I will say that your feelings about it are 100% valid, you aren’t expecting too much of him.
I really hope this works out and the relationship with your nanny goes back to normal!
Good luck!
It’s hard to see how you’re feeling stuck between wanting to hold your husband accountable and not wanting to hurt your marriage, but talking this through with him is important for both your relationship and your son’s growth, maybe start by having a calm chat where you share how his reaction hit you and what kind of support you think he should offer, it might also help to let the nanny know she’s not at fault and that her feelings are real, which could make things a bit easier in the house.
This whole thing is odd. Why would she ever be changing with the door open? She’s correct that she made a mistake. Also why are you treating her like a child? She’s an adult that you employ, not another daughter.
You don’t necessarily have to be on the same page… you can just handle this yourself, you’re the mom, you don’t need his permission or approval. I think him apologizing to the nanny is appropriate. I don’t know what consequence would be appropriate… but maybe you can enroll him in some type of puberty class or something, where they cover consent, how to behave respectfully towards women, etc. instead of an actual “consequence”. Especially since his dad seems to be lacking in that regard… I don’t think rug sweeping is the solution here, at all.
Your husband is right.
Take a breath and relax.
I do think your son owes her an apology for staring
I’m not sure what outcome you’re hoping for here. Yes, your son should apologize. Yes, the nanny should close the door when changing.
He’s 13 years old. The level of self-restraint expected from adults isn’t there in teenagers. It should be developed and encouraged, but being this upset with him for not already being there is out of hand.
I don’t think your son’s a monster, but if you let him think this behavior is no big deal, he’s going to keep doing it, and that could get him in serious trouble someday.
So you and your husband need to get on the same page about what consequences there should be, and how to explain to your son why peeping is wrong.
The first time we see anyone naked as a teenager it’s shocking. There are hormones and rewiring going on.
Of course that doesn’t make it ok that the nanny was harassed.
Both things can be true.
You need to have a talk with your son, that yes he will be curious- but any attempt to spy on the nanny isn’t appropriate. She is an employee and there to work.
You don’t have to shame him like he’s evil, but just that he needs to learn how to have basic manners and self control.
And this is important: you are glad he told you so that you could talk to the nanny.
The other thing you did: make sure the nanny knows she can come to you. And see if she wants a lock on her door, and a fan for airflow.
You are HUGELY over reacting. This is not a punishment offense. It’s the first time an awkward teenage boy has seen a beautiful woman – one I might add he is crushing on – in some stage of undress. It is actually almost sweet had it not been so embarrassing for the nanny. The respecting to do is for your son to apologize to the nanny…..and that’s it, end of story. Punishment is absolutely ridiculous. It would be understandable to remind him that he should have turned around immediately, maybe said “excuse me”, but that’s it. It was an accident and no one was hurt.treat it as such.
So what do you think needs to happen? Does your son need to be punished? What is the ‘consequence’ that you think is warranted here? Getting frozen in the moment and being unable to turn away as fast as the babysitter was able to shut the door is not an abnormal reaction for a thirteen year old being confronted with his first naked woman.
I agree with the notion that a serious talk, or perhaps several, should come about. It would be nice if your husband was willing to take this on, but it sounds like he is not. So you are probably going to have to step up, but since you are very judgmental about this situation I am concerned what impact you are going to have on your son. He already feels bad so he doesn’t need to be made to feel worse about the situation. But it would be helpful to coach him through why respect matters, and what the outcome of something like this is (what he is already experiencing… being treated different from before the incident).
The nanny should have closed the door fully. She doesn’t deserve to be yelled at or fired for this, but she definitely messed up. She needs to be more careful going forward. (well, never mind I read your edit now showing that she had to leave the door cracked to listen for the baby).
Franky, if I was your husband I would be feeling the same way about you that you are feeling about him. Questioning your motives and wondering how you were going to be able to a teenage son as he starts to express male sexuality more.
I would be concerned about this behavior from your husband because yes, the 13 year old acted like a 13nyear old that doesn’t know any better- but if this behavior is waved off than how is he gonna know better the next time?
Fathers who refuse to teach their sons about boundaries and the consequences for crossing them- intentional or otherwise- are the men raising the next generation of men who swear they would never rape- but would have sex with a woman who was drunk, visibly uncomfortable, unconscious, or is able to be pressured into a yes.
And no I’m not saying he needs some severe punishment or something, but a talk about it at least is necessary.
My god, what is wrong with you? Your son is at such an impressionable age that reaction like this is fairly normal and you want to make it traumatic?? The kid encountered a situation which was not his, really anyone’s, fault at all. If you must blame someone it would be the nanny for not shutting her door but that would be wrong too. You both should be compassionately and thoughtfully answering any questions he now has and assuaging his concerns that he did something awful. Kids encounter adults at various stages of undress by accident all the time. Pretending they’re predators is not the way to handle it.
I think the issue here is your son’s behavior triggered an incident in which you were leered at inappropriately. This may be causing you to worry about this more than necessary.
Your husband shouldn’t speak to you like this but maybe you should talk this over with a 3rd party yourself. Get a professional perspective.
Your son came to you to admit this. It was an error and he was unsure how to handle it. He didn’t behave badly. He froze when he was surprised. I think the nanny was more worried you’d fire her than upset at being seen in a state of undress.
I’m from the US and usually we’re almost Victorian about nudity. I just don’t think this is concerning.
It sounds like you raised a good son and hired a good nanny.
I’d speak to my son but very very casually. He’s still learning that he’s a sexual being and that’s a lot to navigate at his age. You don’t want to overreact and cause him to fixate on this or feel badly about it.
Give yourself some grace and try to talk to a counselor or therapist for reassurance you are handling this correctly.
Later deal with your husband being unsupportive. Even if he thought you were overreacting, you still have to talk about it and reach a consensus.
Wtf are these comments… I’m from a family of three daughters and one baby brother. We have all had so many conversations with him about consent, about what women experience, empathy etc. I think having a conversation with your son about these things isn’t a bad idea. He peeped on your nanny, realized how uncomfortable and unsafe she felt, but he didn’t communicate and only told you because he was worried about what she would say. I think having an open and honest conversation about how the nanny might be feeling and maybe your own experiences with being peeped on w/o consent etc could be helpful so he can make sense of the nanny’s reaction. Your husband … idk what to do there. But personally I think raising a son into a man who treats women with empathy and respect is paramount given all the predatory behavior that is normalized by men.
Your nanny should have NEVER been changing her clothes without the door shut. By you continuing to blame your son you are setting him up for feeling ashamed. You really need to rethink this and STOP blaming your son.
You’ve talked to your son, you’ve talked to the nanny – now you need to meet with the two of them and get it laid to rest unless that would make them too uncomfortable to do.
Your husband clearly sees things differently – he is probably a little second-hand embarrassed for your son and doesn’t want to put him through more awkwardness by talking to her about it. That’s totally understandable too!
You clearly see things differently, and I don’t think this should become an “us vs them” or “us vs us” thing – yes, you’re a team, but you certainly do not have to agree on how to handle every situation.
I honestly don’t see the problem. Your son happened to see a body by mistake. In my world the story ended there.
I think you’re making it a bigger deal than it is, and lingering on the issue and wanting more reaction to it is making it worse. You say the main reason is you’re worried the house now feels uncomfortable? Well you know what makes an embarrassing situation more awkward? Constantly bringing it up.
It looks like it’s already been handled and you keep pressing on the subject, unless the problem becomes consistent then your husband needs to deal with the matter. You are perceptive but the question is when do we take a step back. It was an accident let time heal the scar and move on, if I was your husband I’d straight up ask you ” do we need to talk about it or is it just you?” I used to know someone that would be like that and constantly bring things up only to make matters worse, right now and this is just me it seems like you favor this girl more than your son and based on what I’m reading it’s like you want to discuss disciplinary actions
I get everyone is saying this is a small issue but isn’t the most basic, normal thing to just apologise?
The son feels guilt and just needs a push (a guide) to tell nanny that he didn’t mean it. This helps practice manners, and I’m sure both party can feel more at ease at the end..
Yes, it is a silly misunderstanding but the thing is both parties are hurt, it NEEDS to be resolved instead of ignoring
I get everyone is saying this is a small issue but isn’t the most basic, normal thing to just apologise?
The son feels guilt and just needs a push (a guide) to tell nanny that he didn’t mean it. This helps practice manners, and I’m sure both party can feel more at ease at the end..
Yes, it is a silly misunderstanding but the thing is both parties are hurt, it NEEDS to be resolved instead of ignoring
Sorry, guy here. Sooner or later through magazines. accidentally, early first love, or internet, he is going to be interested in female anatomy. He looked, thank God he is normal. I can see why nanny was embarrassed. Don’t make a big deal out of it. I have to agree with husband. Guess what is happening is difference in male and female psychology.