We’ve been living together for five years. I am successful in my career, him not as much. We’ve always worked well together because we balance each other out really nicely. He does, however, get angry whenever I try to plan anything whether it be an anniversary, a vacation next year, or even what we’re doing on Friday. He was living with me full-time of his own choice but still kept his apartment – in retrospect. He was really phobic of truly planning anything long-term into our relationship I think because of some untreated mental health issues, resulting in fear of women
Within the last year he got laid off and had trouble getting a new job. He started getting angry at me for perceived slights that just weren’t. I started walking on eggshells in my own house, if I tried to bring this up to him, he would claim that he was walking on eggshells not me.
It slowly started to turn into him looking at me as if anything I did could be aggression toward him. If I had a big work event, it was almost a guarantee that sometime around that event, he would get very upset about something and make me cry. He stopped having sex with me other than rare occasions for 2 years. I noticed that he was using the signal app and at first I thought he was cheating on me later I realized that’s how the drug dealer communicates with him – because he told me as much months ago when he ordered LSD. He had mentioned that she gave him a sample of street ketamine and it was really good, but he had decided it was too much and dangerous so he didn’t get any. His pattern was that he started to love marijuana more than me, and he was turning down sex in order to force himself to stay awake so he could consume more marijuana on the couch in a twilight state.
The week started off like a normal week. He appeared to have a seizure, and I didn’t know what was going on. And he said some really mean things about not liking me not wanting to be with me and he started slapping at me, but he was clearly not aware of where he was his body was total deadweight and I nearly called 911… I should have and it’s my mistake that I didn’t. He smokes a lot of marijuana, and I know that this is not a marijuana symptom… I had no idea what I was seeing. He came to and told me not to call 911 which is why I didn’t and I feel like an idiot now. He said some cruel things to me when he was out of it. I figured we would just deal with it in therapy next week.
The therapist sent an email trying to schedule something – her doing not mine – and I asked him if he had seen the email. He construed that as me trying to manipulate him into therapy sooner than he was ready and broke me down into tears for 45 minutes he said later it was at this point that he realized that “we don’t work”.
The next day was a totally normal day and we had a great time but after five years, he broke up with me while I was walking past him with my back facing him. It was as casual as if he was asking me to get him a soda from the refrigerator. He didn’t even sit me down or anything. It was so bizarre.
This spun out into a lot of hysterics on both of our parts because I was shocked and he was leaking anger and aggression. After five years, it would make sense to maybe split but amicably, not aggressively. Also, this is not the normal personality he has.
After he took his stuff and left he blocked me on social media, and I found out that my legal prescription for ketamine was missing almost all of the doses and I hadn’t taken any of them. So he stole my legal ketamine I use under doctor supervision.
Where we left it is he wants to be left alone for “a few weeks” he refuses to give a concrete time to have a conversation with me. I’m hurt badly but also worried he’s ok.
Everyone around me is equally split to “you don’t deserve this shit” and “you guys have been so great for so long. Perhaps you can work this out and he can get treatment”
Can anybody with addiction experience give me some advice? This is tearing me up. The fact that he’s put so much space between us and won’t speak to me like a human being is just so unbearable. Most people are saying be open to that conversation, but protect myself. What I want is some sort of reconciliation so that whatever happens treats both of us like human beings unlike what happened
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He broke up with you. Blocked you, stole your meds, berated you.
This relationship is done. Stop chasing it. You cannot fix an addict. They have to want that for themself and he has decided that you are the enemy. Setting yourself on fire to ‘save’ another person on fire is just going to lead to enabling him and hurting yourself.
I’m floored by how rapidly your relationship deteriorated into this toxic mess… one minute he’s a lazy pothead, the next, he’s slapping you around and stealing meds like some crackhead. I mean, damn, that’s cold-blooded shit right there! It’s clear he’s an addict through and through, no amount of therapy or ‘having a conversation’ is gonna fix his broken brain… you need to cut your losses and focus on healing yourself.
He stole your ketamine, which I assume you’re taking for a legit medical reason? You haven’t had sex in however long, he’s got a drug dealer, and is ordering LSD.
Please tell me why you want to stay in this relationship.
I’ve been in 2 long term relationships with addicts. They go nowhere if the addict doesn’t get help. They have to want to get help. One of my exes is still drinking, the other one is dead. The one who died was the best person when he was sober. He just couldn’t ever stay sober. (I say sober, but he’d use anything he could get his hands on.)
He isn’t going to speak to you like a human being because he’s an addict, and he thinks you’re threatening his use. The addiction is in control now. It isn’t about his love for you, or how he feels about you, or if he respects you. It’s beyond that now. He stole your meds. I assume he knows you need them, and without them, you could go into withdrawal, but he stole them anyway. (Definitely call your doctor to let them know what happened. You may need to be medically managed here.)
You can’t force him into treatment. Even if he went today, it’s a long road, and recovery isn’t some miraculous thing that happens overnight.
You don’t deserve this. What you need to do now is focus on your own healing. I know it’s so hard, but you can do this.
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Oh, hon.
None of this is normal. You cannot change him, he doesn’t want to change, and he sees you as the problem, not him. He sees anything other than drugs as the problem- drugs are currently his solution to everything, and he will beg, lie, steal and cheat to get them.
He’s on the slide into full on addiction, and you can’t save him. You have the choice is letting him go, or being dragged down with him.
I think you’ve been the frog in hot water – bit by bit you have become acclimatised to living with emotional abuse.
Reclaim your peace. Put up safe barriers. Turn your house into your safe space. No more lies, no more anger, no more theft. Take the break up for the gift it is. Reclaim yourself.