My wife (40F) and I (40M) have been happily married for about 6 years, have 2 kids, and lead a fairly healthy marriage. We have many similar interests, but also individual interests we still find the time to enjoy, never really fight, and always enjoy our time together and with our kids. We both love each other very much, but the issue I have started to develop is more on the intimate/sexual area as I’ve felt I’m just not as physically attracted to her as I used to be. I’m still mentally and emotionally attracted to her, but lacking in the physical department. We’re not even as intimate as we used to be, maybe once a month to once every other month. It’s rare if it’s any more than that. It’s been this way for a little over a year since the birth of our 2nd child. And maybe that’s typical for married couples who both work full time and have children. However, I find when we are intimate though that I’m not all there in my head anyway and am just going through the motions. Don’t get me wrong, I still put in all my effort to please her, but I just hide the fact that I’m not 100% into it as I used to be. I admit she has put on weight since our 2nd child and has had problems losing it. She has shown interest in exercising more but just hasn’t gotten around to it, whether it’s due to lack of motivation, not enough time in the day from working too much, or just being too tired. As I mentioned we both work full time, although she does work more overtime than I do, and we spend equal time on our kids on top of that. I am always as supportive as I can be, and understand that it can be tough at times. We have talked about the lack of intimacy before and she assures me she still wants to be intimate more, but her lack of time and energy is definitely a factor. I too still want to be more intimate, but I also want to enjoy being intimate with her. I know communication is key but haven’t been able to discuss my lack of attraction. How do you even begin to talk about that without sounding like an a-hole? I just want her to be happy and healthy, and find a way to reignite the fire in our relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.
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I would say look to yourself first, and see if perhaps she could be experiencing the same issue that you are.
Read some books about midlife sexual enhancement. I like Come As You Are and Is There Sex After Marriage.
Esther Perel’s – “Mating in Captivity” – go grab the video, look into the book.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY
Be patient and give it more time. Kids bring a different perspective into it. Maybe some time away alone can help. You didnt specify kids ages.
You sound like you love and haven’t given up.
It sounds like you’re going through something many couples face when life gets busy and changes over time… and while there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, focusing on open communication and small moments of connection might help reignite that spark, have you considered setting aside regular time just for the two of you to reconnect without distractions?
Do you find ways to give her breaks? Is she still breastfeeding? Is there family/close friends nearby who can help sometimes?
Do you get to spend alone time together? Do you listen to her when she talks about how tired she is? Is she experiencing post partum depression or anxiety? Does she need time to herself for decompression or therapy?
If you are upset that your wife who gave birth a year ago is overweight and/or too tired to satisfy you sexually, perhaps see what you can do to better support her (without leaning into your ulterior motives). Have you gone to therapy to process your feelings and the changes that come with children? Have you tried couples’ counseling?