I (40M) am thinking about moving out after stressful “vacation” with wife ’41 F’ and her family

Originally posted in Advice, but I realize this is probably a more appropriate subreddit.

TLDR: Just got back from a very stressful “vacation” with my wife and her family. I’m processing it, and thinking about next steps and possibly moving out.

LONGER VERSION: Our son is college aged, and he backed out of this trip at the last second. I should have done the same. He sent on vacation with them last year, and had a bad time…BUT my wife played up the fact that she gets so few vacation days and she wanted to spend quality time with me alone. So I went.

Long drive, we get there. It’s already a bit tense because it’s a very, very full house (my wife has a lot of sisters and brothers and their significant others). I like my wife’s family, her brothers are funny and smart and nice. Her sisters are all very smart and nice individually, though together it becomes something else. My wife is especially close with her older sister who lives a block away from us, and has a baby with her husband (wife’s brother-in-law).

When we get there, I ask if there is a quiet corner to use, as I have to teach online. This is immediately met with some consternation especially from my wife’s very corporate HR brother-in-law (the new father), who rolls his eyes. My wife makes a bee-line to her sister and her baby, she spends the entire day with her sister, brother-in-law and baby. The baby is very cute, and my wife LOVES being an Aunt.

I had to teach and do grading, which I was able to do in the basement without bothering anyone, so I made use of my time. At night I hung out with the brothers and their GFs, which was fun. I like hanging out with the brothers, they are good guys. My wife eventually comes to bed at 3am and passes out.

The rental is a beautiful house, with stunning views. But, it’s remote, and the town or beach isn’t walkable. To add to that, my wife’s Brother-in-Law keeps parking his way-too-big SUV in the bottom of the driveway in such a way that no one can get out without him first making a big deal of having to move it, and every time he moves it, he parks it right back in the same position.

The BIL is a handsome, nice, well-dressed guy, (I think) from a well-to-do family, and works for a uniquely unethical Corporation so I’m sure he makes a very good wage, which he shows that off with frequent changes into different, expensive outfits and watches. He makes a good impression and I liked him when I initially met him, though efforts to try to get to know him have stalled. He’s uninterested in having any conversations with me or the brothers or even her parents. I tried to make conversation with him a few times, but he seemed uninterested, he’d respond with a one word mumble and then go back to preening in the middle of the room.

He seems to go out of his way to take up space, if you want to pour coffee you’ll have to maneuver around his multi-step protein shake making process. Most of the day he’s on the couch barefoot in designer button down formal shirts and dress pants (not exactly beach wear), on his work computer, while the sisters play with the baby on the couch next to him. He’s not so much parenting as monitoring, and he likes taking up the center of the house with the baby, and definitely loves getting attention from all three sisters. He would also, occasionally, begrudgingly move his SUV.

The days went on like that, at no point did I spend any time with my wife – not even at dinner, where she sat next to the baby of course. And again, the baby is really cute. I get it. I suggested a few activities (kayaking, walks) which she ignored. Fine, it’s he vacation. I felt duped for coming, but I want her to have a good time, it’s awesome that she is so close to her sister and her husband and baby, and I had grading to do so I keep myself busy.

That night, my wife’s brothers and I were watching TV in the basement while my wife and the sisters and BIL were all upstairs. I get talking to one of the brother’s GF’s who is very astute. And she picks up on the tension, this is her first time meeting everyone, and she artfully points out (I can’t remember her exact phrasing) that the sisters and BIL come across cold and self-absorbed. I mention that new parents are often in their own world, for obvious reasons, the baby has to be the center of that universe. But she’s like, sure, (she mentions she has a lot of brothers and sisters too), but they almost go out of their way to be closed off and cliquish, and was worried they didn’t like her. I assured her that wasn’t the case, that’s just how they are and they’re all circling the wagons around the sister’s baby, so to speak.

We continue to talk, and somehow the topic of my wife calling the shots comes up, kind of an ongoing joke (the brothers like to tease me – I’ve been in the family for 20+ years and I really like the brothers). I joke that I suffer from a lot of analysis paralysis, so my wife making the decisions for us (like where we live, how we spend our time, what we eat etc.) is really helpful for me. The GF jokes, “yeah, she definitely has a tyrannical streak.” The brothers laugh. I was kind of struck by this, because it’s kind of true. Wife eventually comes to bed after I’ve fallen asleep several hours later.

LAST DAY: The next morning the Brothers leave right after breakfast. My wife and I had agreed to leave on Friday, as I had to get back. I start packing up, and my wife freaks out. She’s decided we should stay another day. I explain I can’t, but I can leave later in the day as I told her parents I would go for a bike ride with them. She gets really angry and calls me selfish, and tells me she has so few vacation days and she should get to say when we go back. To that I say she can take the car if she’ll drive me to a train station later, or she can go home with her parents or sister (they’re all going to the same place). She tries to keep the argument going but I walk away and ignore. This pisses her off. She starts following me around the house yelling at me, calling me selfish, telling me it’s her vacation and she makes more money than I do, and that she’ll never have sex with me again. At this point, I feel like I’m starting to have a panic attack. I wanted to leave on the spot. Her sister and Brother-in-law then comfort and console her, and offer to take her back Sunday (as I mentioned, they live in our same neighborhood). So at that point, the yelling is over and she goes back to ignoring me and hanging out with them. But I’m still very anxious, and feel kind of humiliated. Then the BIL drove her to the beach in the SUV.

I calm down, and as promised I go on a really nice bike ride with her parents, which actually was great and calmed me down a great deal. I get back and say my goodbyes, the parents hug me goodbye, my wife and her sister and BIL are doing their own thing and ignore me. So I just left.

I got stuck in a ton of traffic on the way back and had a lot of time to think. I ruminated over the argument (which is very one-sided, basically me just getting yelled at in front of everyone). I don’t want to live like that, I don’t want to feel bad for being a teacher, our son is in college, I don’t need this.

This felt like a tipping point to me. No marriage is perfect, and we’ve had our issues in the past (including issues caused by her sister meddling). But this trip kind of solidified we’re headed toward different futures. I don’t want to be treated like a chauffer or a doormat.

I went on this trip, even though it didn’t fit in my work schedule, because she implored me to go and claimed she wanted to spend some quality time together. I now realize I was just a convenient driver and when I tried to stick to my own schedule, the hammer came down.

I love my wife, and I am still in love with her. I have zero interest in dating anyone, or even getting divorced. BUT I don’t like who she is around these people, and I don’t want to orient my life around them. I would never tell her not to spend time with her sister or BIL, and it’s awesome she loves being an Aunt.

I’m considering moving out. Of course, money is a factor and I can’t afford much right now. I’m researching rooms to rent in shared apartments about an hour away, which would be about what I could afford while also paying my half of our current place. I’m also considering filing a separation agreement. I don’t want to get divorced, but I think some space would be healthy. AIO?