Background: I (40M) am in a relationship for the last 18 months with my gf (30F). I’ve been doing app deliveries for the last few months because we’re struggling financially to make some extra cash after work and on weekends. My gf has prior concerns because I tried to be friends with my x-wife and the gf wanted me to establish additional boundaries. I eventually did and believe she was right. Complicated tale, like all failed marriages, and I don’t want to get into it here. She was right. Even if friendly I was providing too much support in communication. And our boundaries needed to be more stringent, even if just because it made my gf uncomfortable. But she overall has trust issues as well. We are living together.
The situation: I got back from doing deliveries , parked in our and apt parking garage, and wanted additional moment to myself. I put on an ASMR video, popped on my AirPods, leaned back the seat, and dozed off. She called me and the call woke me up because I hadn’t responded to some texts. I was flustered. I knew she wanted to hang out when I got back. We share location. She probably saw me sitting there. And I was planning to leave in a little over an hour to hang out with friends tonight.
I lied. I said I was on a call with a guy from work. In truth I had talked to him earlier while delivering, via text on my Apple Play (I swear I was safe doing deliveries). But I recounted briefly that conversation as though I was on the phone with him. I was clearly startled. So probably sounded like I was caught red handed. I felt like I had been. I feel guilty taking time to myself sometimes. It’s a personal thing. Not her. I work on it in therapy. I get embarrassed about listening to ASMR. I don’t know why. I just do.
All of this led me to lie instinctively. I got back upstairs and she asked to see my phone. Checked. Saw I didn’t call the guy from work. Asked what was up. I instantly came clean. She said she was upset I lied so quickly and so easily. I broke her trust. I suspect she thinks I was hiding something more serious. Or something else. I feel awful. I don’t know what to do. We’ve had other problems in the past. But usually can resolve it. How should I go about handling this situation?
TL;DR: my girlfriend caught me lying when I fell asleep in my car taking a moment of zen. She says I broke her trust and is pretty upset.
Comments
>How should I go about handling this situation?
Stop lying. Just stop. Fight every urge and instinct you have to lie, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you. Give her reasons to trust you BY NOT LYING. For a great many people, once trust is broken, it can be impossible to build back up. She may decide she’s done if this isn’t the first time. If she does, accept whatever her consequences, even if that means breaking up. And if it does, learn from it and move on.
The fact that your immediate instinct was to lie is a genuinely concerning problem in your relationship and she has every right to worry about what else you lie about. Why not just say the truth in this case? It was pretty harmless. The fact that you would so quickly and casually jump to a lie doesn’t say good things about how often you lie about stuff.
So you failed to set boundaries with an ex and now you’re lying to her face. Only thing you can do is stop lying. It’ll be up to her whether she wants to bother investing more time in the relationship and rebuilding trust. But you’ve shown her she shouldn’t trust you because you will lie to her face about small stuff- so you’ll definitely lie about big stuff.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you are this insecure and can’t be honest with your partner.
Sadly, the ball’s in her court on whether she accepts your apology. You don’t really have a lot of plays here.
You can sweeten the pot by offering up concessions (free access to phone! tracking of some kind! access to social media!) but make damn sure what you offer is something you can truly live with into the infinite. There’s no point in twisting yourself into a pretzel to save this relationship if the relationship you wind up saving is no longer something you want to be a part of.
I would just be as apologetic as possible and hope for the best. And understand that right now, in this evaluation period, every action you take is crucial. If you accidentally fuck up again, it’s like a no-trust multiplier.
The fact that you were so embarrassed to tell your girlfriend something as innocuous as needing a moment to wind down with ASMR that you feel the need to lie to her about it is concerning. What’s the deal with that?