Hi,
Last night my wife was visibly flustered. There’s been a lot going on in her life and her job is very stressful to her. I understand that sometimes it can be exhausting dealing with people and with all that’s going on in the world on top of all the things in her personal life, I get it…but last night was pretty bad. She passed out around 7, woke up an hour later and I had a hunch that something was going on that was beyond just work fatigue or being tired.
I snooped a bit as she “needed to get something from her car” and found an empty bottle of booze under the passenger seat. Some time ago, I accidentally caught her drinking in her car but without proof beyond a brief glimpse she convinced me that it was just water and wasn’t the very distinct bottle that I saw. I’m finally starting to put it together and I realize now that the slurring of words, the difficulty walking straight, the constant tiredness and belligerence are all signs that she’s been secretly drinking and aren’t because she had a long day at the office. I am having a difficult time understanding the drinking in secret as I drink casually (2 beers on a Wednesday), we used to drink casually together (think bottle of wine with some pizza on Friday night) and while I’ve tried to cut back on her request, she’s going out to her car and boozing it up. Why wouldn’t she just sit and have a cocktail with me while we talk about our days, like we used to?
She comes from a long line of alcoholics and we’ve actually had a conversation about her secret drinking before after I caught her a different time. I’ve tried to be a supportive partner, not blame or scold her, and take an understanding approach rather than an aggressive one. She told me that she stopped. She has therapy and anti depressants for depression/anxiety. I know that I can’t control her drinking, but I’m positively terrified that she’s drinking before getting our children from school and I don’t know how to confront her about the severity of the issue. I want first and foremost to know that she’s not drinking and driving, that our children are safe when they’re in the car with her. I’d also like to know that she can be sober around them and with them so they continue to have a healthy relationship with her. I feel a little less concerned with the addiction at the moment as that is something I know she needs to work through.
So how do I approach a very difficult conversation to protect the kids and hopefully start to steer things away from alcoholism?
tl;dr wife is secretly boozing, husband wants to keep kids safe and doesn’t know the appropriate way to start the conversation.
Comments
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Do your best to persuade her to get into a program. She has to understand that it has reached the point where change is a necessity.
Addiction is an illness. Twelve step programs can be hugely helpful. They’re free, and they’re everywhere.
Equally important for both of you – you should get to an al anon meeting, it’s for people affected by alcoholics.
She knows it’s a problem. Just tell her it’s pointless to try to hide it and love her and support her the best you can. You can’t force someone to quit. They have to want it for themselves.
Here’s what I’d say:
“Wife, I love you and want you to be happy. I know you’ve been drinking secretly. If you want support or help, I’m here. I don’t want to hear denials, I know. What I don’t know is if you are drinking and then driving our kids around. I need to tell you now that if I find out that happens, I will file for divorce and full custody. If you feel like you can’t function without booze on board, I’ll make arrangements to get the kids to and from things safely while you work through things. But this is a hard stop for me and I wanted to tell you. You don’t need to hide your drinking from me, it’s already obvious. I wish you’d get some help but I can’t make you do anything. All I can do is let you know what I’m willing to accept. And I do not accept putting our kids at risk. I love you.”
> I feel a little less concerned with the addiction at the moment as that is something I know she needs to work through.
You’ve got it backwards. The addiction is the problem. There’s no middle ground where she keeps drinking but always keeps the kids safe. She needs to go to rehab.
hiding booze in the car is common, she may not be driving drunk. however!! the chances of that are pretty low, I’d say. most heavy alcoholics end up driving drunk. they simply are drunk most of the time, their body at that point needs alcohol to be at baseline. so she might be driving at times when she’s LESS under the influence than nighttime when she’s passing out, and she might think she’s mitigating the risks, but her risk assessment is not up to par right now to say the least. see if you can have an open non judgemental conversation and hopefully she at least is honest
You’re looking for an easy way to do something without ruffling her feathers. That’s unfortunately in my opinion not going to happen. In my experience with alcoholism the alcoholic will be in denial until something DOES ruffle their feathers. And without question she will also be in denial about the fact that her children are in danger. The alcohol compromises our logic. It’s going to require strength to protect your children. The alcoholic will need to reach rock bottom in order to decide on their own that treatment is needed. You should in the least immediately start driving the children to school or wherever they need to go. That is an absolute must.
If she’s drinking in her car instead of having a cocktail inside the house with you, you’re likely part of the reason she’s choosing to drink that way.
My god, dude how do you protect your kids when she’s been driving with them while she’s under the influence? DIVORCE, at least a separation and go for full custody until she has it under control.
SHE has to be the one who wants treatment, the recovery model of addiction rather than AA has been shown to give better results but either way she has to see it’s a problem.
Do not let her drive with your children or at all honestly, I would take the car keys away completely. No you shouldn’t be controlling your partner but drink driving can kill innocents. You COULD get an interlock fitted to the car if you can afford it might be another option.
I will say though going cold turkey from alcohol is also dangerous, it should be done as an inpatient under medical supervision where benzos are available.
I am sorry you are dealing with this incredibly stressful situation. Don’t deal with it without support. Find an Al-Anon support group. Your kid’s safety comes first – you may have to figure out alternative ways to get them picked up from school.
You tell her right now, you will not drive with the kids in the car. She absolutely is drinking and driving with kids in the car, even sober if she got pulled over she’d have an open container in the vehicle. She can’t stop until she wants to stop, all the pleading in the world won’t help. However, I hope that it doesn’t come as a result of a tragedy. Children’s safety is your number one priority bud and you don’t tip toe around that.
I think you start by attending some Al-Anon meetings. This is what they are equipped to handle and they will be able to answer a lot of your questions. You need to arrange for alternate transportation for your children to and from school and perhaps hire childcare if she has any significant period of time alone with them before you get home. I think it’s definitely OK to tell her that you are concerned about her health and safety as well as that of your children’s. Tell her all the signs point to her having a problem with alcohol. Insist she take steps to stop drinking. Set boundaries. Tell her you will not tolerate her driving under the influence or driving under the influence with the children in the vehicle.
You probably need to take steps to secure your financial situation. Separate your finances. Depending on your state laws, if your wife were to have an accident and a lawsuit was brought against her, could you lose your home? What if she loses her job due to alcohol consumption? Can you live on your income alone?
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best.
Check out the information at the site below.
https://sanfordbehavioralhealth.com/2019/09/01/loved-one-angry-dui-call-police/
Tell her you are arranging other transportation and after school care for your kids, period. If you can’t be certain that she is sober, and apparently you can’t, your obligation as a parent is to remove her as their driver and unsupervised caregiver. Period. End of Sentence.
If she suddenly passed away, how would the kids get home from school, and who would ensure their safety until you get home? Single parents manage this. Schools often have after school programs or partnerships with non-profits where the kids get on a bus after school and go straight there. If you can afford it, hire a nanny.
This will protect your kids, give you peace of mind about that part at least, and it will show her you are very very serious.
be direct and upfront with it. You have written enough to basically repeat what you have written to your wife.
She’s taking you and the kids for granted. She’s massively unhappy and feels stuck in her life. She doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t feel close to anyone. The booze makes her feel something she can’t get from you or her family.
First thing she needs to change is her relationship to alcohol. She can’t use it as a crutch to make everything okay anymore. She has to stop drinking for a long enough time to know she doesn’t need it – at least 9 to 18 months.
After she stops drinking, she may want to:
Divorce you
Quit her job
Give up her kids
Confess an affair
Confess hidden debts
Confess another addiction
Move to a different place
Leave you with the kids.
The booze is keeping her in her job, marriage, and home. When it’s taken away big changes are on the horizon
Confront her with love & support, and also get a breathalyzer device installed in her car ASAP. Your children’s lives are potentially at risk and cannot be gambled with while she sorts herself out. She’s proven herself to sneak around and lie about her drinking, so she cannot be trusted behind the wheel without a device that ensures everyone’s safety. Good luck.
She may need some professional help. Drinking in the car – unsure if whilst driving can least to some catastrophic consequences for her and the family.
Al-Anon and Divorce.
We have a long line of alcoholics in our family too.
My mom started buying nips (100 proof) on the drive home from work about 10 years ago. She’d dump them in a giant soda drink she got from Cumberland farms to hide it.
Last year, my siblings and parents took my step nephews fishing. Where was mom? Chugging nips in a field thinking no one could see her.
It is a horrible disease and you need to put your children first.
Good luck and god speed.