We have been together for 22 years and love each other very much and have a good life. About a year ago my wife got a new dog, we already have one and have had several in the past.
11 months ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. About the same time the dog bit my mother when she was at our house. I didn’t know how to navigate this. We decided to keep the dog cages when we had visitors.
We live on 30 acres but it’s in town and on a busy street. We have always let our dogs run free with boundary collars to keep them on the property and also out of the road.
We have a large shop on our property that friends visit frequent and use if they need to. My friend and his 5 year old son were using the shop about 10 months ago and the dog bit his son on the back bad enough to bleed. I thought the dog should be put down right then but my wife loves the dog and I love her so we discussed it and decided to muzzle it when someone might show up. I offered to fence in a large section behind the house. She did not want that. She did her best to train the dog after talking to trainers and professionals despite having a double mastectomy and taking the horrible medications associated with cancer. It would not take direction from anyone except her.
Despite our best efforts it bit 2 more people in the next several months and was a constant source of tension and stress in our house hold.
It started attacking our other dog about twice a week and would take at least 2 people tog get them apart. She would always make excuses for the dog and stick up for it.
2 months ago I walked in the house and it had chewed up a remote control. No big deal but I grabbed the remote, pointed at the dog and started to say “BAD DOG”. Before I could get the words out the dog came after me. I was able to get a door in between us but he continued to try to get to me for about another 30 second. Our 16 year old son came running in and seen most of it.
When my wife got home I told her what happened and was not gonna have that dog in home with our son. We discussed options and I thought we agreed we were gonna have to put it down.
The next day I put him down while she was at work. She got home and asked were he was, I told her he was gone and she cried and vomited for about 2 hours. We went about a week without her being able to look at me or talk to me. I told her we need to figure this out so we talked all day trying to move forward but couldn’t come up with a solution. She understands that it was a misunderstanding and I wouldn’t do it to hurt her.
We went about a month hoping it would get better but all she sees is what I did when she looks at me. She moved out last week . We still talk every couple days but I am broken up about it.
Do you think she will forgive me?
TLDR I put down my wife’s dog and she can’t forgive me.
Comments
Dude, you killed her dog without talking to her first. You may have been in the right, but you can’t just put someone’s dog down without an in-the-moment discussion. That’s super fucked up and she may never get over it.
No she won’t forgive you. I wouldn’t either. She deserved to be there.
As much as I hate to say it the dog did need to either be rehomed to a person who can handle and train aggressive dogs or be put down. Where I feel you went wrong was putting the dog down without her. She loved that dog and didn’t even get to say goodbye. So the action itself wasn’t wrong, but the way it was done certainly was. I hope you guys can make up.
Why wouldn’t you let her be there even when you did it? Wtf were you thinking that “she love sthis dog so much to try so hard anyways ill just kill it while shes at work without letting her know”
What an ass
Idk it’s kind of hard to believe that you really think you were both in agreement after your conversation because you went ahead with it while she was at work and didn’t call or text to let her know what you were doing. Not even afterwards to say it was done. Just let her come home and figure it out? Something stinks
how did you guys miscommunicate putting a dog down?? she needs to get her priorities in check, this was an animal you guys couldn’t manage. sucks but it had to go, if you didn’t put it down then, she would be making even more excuses for it now.
Animal control would have euthanized the dog a few bites ago. The animal was obviously not happy or safe. You did the dog and everyone (including your other dog) right by euthanizing. You’re lucky no one sued you since the dog was a repeat offender. I say this as a professional trainer. You absolutely did the right thing.
Your wife should not own any other dogs that could be dangerous if she is not willing to make the hard but necessary choices for them when it’s appropriate. I understand she’s going through a lot, but that doesn’t justify her allowing her dangerous dog to maul people and dogs time and time again. That is absolutely irresponsible dog ownership. She should stick to nice spaniels in the future.
See a couple’s therapist for your marriage. You were protecting your son, among others, and the importance of that cannot be overstated. She’s entitled to her grief, but I don’t think it’s reasonable of her to hold this against you. Maybe there’s more y’all need to work through as a couple. Idk. But this alone is a weird hill for her to die on.
What were you thinking? While I do agree that the dog probably should have been put down, why would you be the one to do it? You gave her no opportunity to say goodbye and you took away her agency by doing it while she was at work. Unfortunately she is probably never going to forgive you.
I’m so sorry. I think you will need professional counseling to bridge this divide. Look up the Gottman institute for their methods if you cannot go, but I really recommend the help of a professional.
I adore dogs but I’m very sympathetic to you, as it sounds like you tried for a long time and only made your decision once it seemed like there was no other option. But I’m sure that your wife was not entirely in her right mind given her struggle with cancer. If you could have forced the issue but given her the chance to say goodbye, I think that would’ve been better for her.
Ultimately, she saw a different side to the dog than anyone else and I’m sure her heart is genuinely broken over the loss. But she still should’ve taken everyone’s safety seriously, and it’s awful that she couldn’t see how many people she was putting at risk. It sounds like you tried to communicate, but you were not able to work together. Healing a break that deep is exactly why a professional is needed.
What the fuck is wrong with you dude? You didn’t even let her be there? You didn’t allow that dog one last moment of peace and comfort with the only human who actually loved him? I wouldn’t forgive you either, and you should prepare to receive divorce papers.
I’m sympathetic, but I think you must have known on some level that you weren’t really aligned in terms of your immediate plans because you didn’t clarify them with her. Based on everything I’m reading here, it’s clear to me that the dog represented something important to her (especially in terms of her cancer journey – feels like this dog was tied up in all her cancer feelings) and that she’d want to be there when her dog is put down. In your shoes, I would’ve clarified that with her, making sure she understood when/how everything was going to happen. On the other hand, in her shoes, I’d also have a hard time knowing I wasn’t there when my dog was put to sleep.
Maybe meet her on that level, recognizing that it wasn’t handled properly and that the dog clearly meant a lot to her. Also, critically, y’all would benefit from some therapy.
Yes, the dog needed to be put down. It was clearly a threat.
But do not pretend you thought that she’d “agreed” to that. You did it behind her back, so that she couldn’t argue about it with you. You decided you’d ask forgiveness instead of permission and hey, apparently…she’s not forgiving you. She has cancer and does not trust you anymore, so she is going to make the decisions that are best for her well-being.
This is a thing where you really can’t have any tolerance for uncertainty
Oh, this sounds so stressful. I’m so, so sorry about all you are facing.
There’s sometimes a dynamic in a couple where one person thinks something is decided and moved to action before it has been decided by the other person. Usually this is an indicator light of a need for couples therapy.
I think you should get very proactive about finding couples therapy.
And you are very likely not going to be able to move forward without taking all the blame and making a serious, contrite apology for this. No qualifiers.
It can be the right thing overall to put down a dangerous dog and you two still didn’t get to an agreement. She may take a seriously long time to come around on it on her own, but you won’t win her back by trying to be right.
Just be wrong and sorry and listen to her and don’t be defensive and see if you can get somewhere.