Thanks upfront for helping me to understand the situation. 55F Ukrainian living in Canada for 25 years here… I’m a professional, fairly good looking, well dressed, and there is nothing weird about me…
I was in a relationship with a man for 19 years, but he didn’t not invite me to any of the wedding of his three children (he’s did not want to upset the mother). The relationship ended when he got a contract overseas and got married to a woman there, to my shock… I should probably mention that my former partner was Middle Eastern – so I promised to myself to avoid men from the cultures I don’t understand..
Anyway, after that I met a man (60M) whom I was dating for 3.5 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I told him how hurt I was for not being invited to weddings of my former partner. My boyfriend acted surprised, almost shocked: “what?? This is unacceptable! Well, I’m a different person – you are coming with me to all weddings of my children (he’s got four)! There is no way I go to the weddings alone!”. I was comforted by those words. I thought – this a different man, he will stand by me, I can be a part of the family…
His daughter just had a wedding. My boyfriend paid for it. She did not invite me to the wedding – she claimed she does not know me well enough. I have to mention that I saw her as many times during 35 years as her father did – we spent a Christmas together, had few family dinners, and we visited her at the university.. My boyfriend was on her side – he said that she does not want to upset the her mother by having her father’s girlfriend there.. it was quite unexpected, and did not sit quite well with me. I would expect may be at least to have a dinner together, where I would have a chance to congratulate the young couple in private and still maintain some dignity..
My question: is this normal? Was it too much to expect to be invited to my bf’s daughter wedding after 3.5 years of dating? Is it a cultural thing (this situation would be not common in Ukraine – especially if the father pays for the wedding). I’m thinking about leaving my bf because of this wedding issue.
TL;DR: I was not invited to the wedding of my boyfriend’s daughter after 3.5 years of dating. Would you consider this a reason for breaking up with him? Thanks.
Comments
>She did not invite me to the wedding – she claimed she does not know me well enough.
The wedding is his daughters decision, as are the guests. This wasn’t his decision, it was hers. Her father has a healthy respect for his daughters decisions, and not adding agitation and starting a fight over you not coming is the correct response.
Sorry but I see no wrong-doing on the part of your partner.
INFO:
How long has he been divorced from his ex? Are they amicable now?
Tell me about the daughter. What age is she, how long has she been with her partner, what is she doing now?
If she had paid for it, or it was small I’d say no big deal. But at the end of the day your boyfriend paid for it and didn’t make the case that you should be there as a part of his life
Less of a problem with the bride and more a problem with the boyfriend IMO
Yeah there should have been conversations happening before during and after the wedding that don’t seem to have happened- that would show he respects you. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t trust either of them after almost 4 years together? I can find a man with a family he wants to share or a family that has a place for me in it.
It is not normal. I’m sorry to say, the men you have chosen seem to tell you what you want to hear so you’ll stay with them.
After my divorce and after I started dating, I set the ground rules for how he would interact with my children, and vice versa.
They have always gotten along well.
My husband was at my children’s weddings, and so was their dad and his flavor of the month.
There were times, in the beginning, when my husband (then boyfriend) would decline invitations because he wanted the kids to be able to enjoy their day without having both dad and stepdad there. But as time went on, they both attend without issue.
This is a parenting thing. My children were taught to accept a person unless that person does something wrong to them, personally.
Your boyfriend’s kids were not.
It sucks but it’s his daughters decision, if anything he’s being a good father by not forcing the invite and making this weeding anything but about his daughter and her new husband. How long has he been divorced from the mother? You may be part of a long list of girlfriends
I think that if the daughter’s mother would be “upset” because her ex-husband that she’s been divorced from for years and years attends a wedding with a partner that he’s been with for 3.5 years, that’s her problem and that’s just too bad.
I also think if your “partner” doesn’t have your back on this, they’re not much of a partner. It’s not like you’re 6 weeks or even 6 months in. You’ve been part of his life for 3 and a half years. You should be practically family at this point, if not legally.
I think you’d be quite reasonable in noting this as a reason to break up. It’s pretty tone deaf for him to have done this after what you’ve already told him happened to you.
To be fair….he can make all the promises he likes, and I understand he paid for the wedding, but it’s still the daughters wedding and he can’t control who she picks to allow to attend. He can’t make promises on other people’s decisions. Take that information how you want, whether to absolve him of guilt or to realize he said things to you he didn’t mean or couldn’t uphold in an attempt to get you in a relationship, idk. His intent matters, I would address it with him.
His daughter gets to decide who’s invited to her wedding, not you or your partner. You have a wrong sense of entitlement.
I understand your feelings are hurt, but you’ve gotta roll with it as an act of love towards her and your boyfriend.
You are right to feel hurt by all of this and I think 3.5 years is long enough to consider you a part of the family but I don’t think it was a slight against you, I think they just wanted to avoid potential drama with her mom for having you there. I do think it’s weird to portray the illusion of an unbroken family when everyone knows what had happened lol. If she wants to have a limited relationship with you then I don’t think anything can be done there to change her mind on your part.
Your boyfriend should never have promised something that was ultimately his daughters decision to make. Since he was paying, he could have perhaps fought for you but chose to keep the peace instead.
I wouldn’t say it’s normal for someone’s significant other to be excluded but it does happen.
His daughter gets to decide who comes to her wedding. And she’s decided it would be best if you weren’t there. You must be able to see that when parents are separated it can make weddings awkward.
He can’t insist that she invites you, honestly.
Break it off with him if you like. You still won’t be at the wedding. And there’s no guarantee you will meet a partner who has a child who is getting married and who invites you to the wedding.
Does the ex-wife have a partner and were they invited to the wedding?
Who knows – maybe her mother is a lunatic, and will make a scene and the bride is trying to avoid that. Her parents have been divorced for seven years and do not speak. That had to have been an acrimonious breakup. Maybe it’s not personal, Op.