We lost our daughter to cancer seven years ago. She was 43. We have two grandsons who are now 17 and 14. Our son in law has always been an incredible support system and I have always loved him as my own.
After our daughter passed, our son in law eventually began dating their nanny. Even when my daughter was still with us, I found this nanny a bit emotionally distant, at least towards my husband and I. She didn’t bond much with us, but she was good with the boys, and we loved her for that. As for how she treated us, I tried to write it off as her being young and just perhaps a bit shy and intimated.
After they became engaged, she gave up the nanny job and someone new was hired. They married four years ago and now have three more children and she’s currently expecting their fourth. She’s 28 now but not much has changed in terms of her quiet and often aloof personality towards me.
I truthfully feel like a ghost in their home at times. This woman has never necessarily said anything rude to me outright, but she is rather cold. I get the feeling things are said behind my back and that she’s just waiting for the day to blow up and let it all out on me. All conversations are distant. She doesn’t include me in things like school events, milestones, even little everyday moments. If I visit, she often disappears into another room. If I ask to babysit or take the older grandkids for a day, she hesitates, checks with her husband, and usually says something like “not a good time right now.” It’s gotten much worse over the past year as seemingly it seems there is never a “good time” anymore.
Our son in law still tries – he hugs me when I visit, asks how I’m doing, but he defers to her on everything. I understand that’s marriage. But it’s painful to feel like I need to schedule an appointment to see my grandchildren MY daughter birthed. They used to spend weekends with us. Now I feel lucky if I get a few hours once a month.
I want to say something, but what? I don’t think she likes me. I do think she’s actively trying to establish a boundary where my husband and I are no longer part of their family unit. I’m not invited on trips, they don’t come to us for holidays, and I haven’t been asked to help with any of the new babies. I send gifts, offer help where I can, yet never overstep. I stay friendly and respectful yet I always get the same cold courtesy.
It feels like we’ve lost our daughter all over again by being slowly pushed out of her children’s lives. They’re my only grandchildren. I’ve dreamed of watching them grow into young men, being part of their lives until my time comes. Instead, I’m being quietly erased at perhaps the most crucial point in their lives. I don’t want to perpetuate the drama and I don’t want our son in law to feel torn. That said, I do not want to lose the presence of these boys in our life.
Where do I go from here? Just accept this is how it’s going to be and back off? I’m feeling so lost and alone in all of this.
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>They used to spend weekends with us. Now I feel lucky if I get a few hours once a month.
Gently, they’re 14 and 17. They want to spend weekends with their friends.
With the 17 year old… I feel like you don’t need to go to their parents.. you could go to them if they want to see you both?
I’m sorry to hear this, and my condolences for your loss. In (and I don’t mean this harshly) all honesty they’re 17 and 14 and they could/would see you if they wanted to. They’re likely both at the age where family isn’t their top priority and aren’t emotionally equip to see it from your perspective.
I am curious as to how old your Son in Law is, and how quickly he got engaged following their mother’s death.
The kids are getting older. I promise the time spent with them would have reduced regardless of whether your son in law remarried or not. I warned my own parents of this because their lives were arranged around my sister’s kids but even if her husband stayed on board with relying on them for almost daily help and weekend overnight visits, they go to daycare and then school and activities and friends eventually. They are feeling it now, but that’s life. Also good to remember that the grandkids are old enough or close to old enough to maintain their own relationship with you via text. Just remember that teens very often want to be with their friends more than anything. You could try asking for a monthly outing with them that is set into the schedule and wow them with fun to entice them but they aren’t babies or little anymore and may not want it.
I’m sure it’s hurtful and brings up a lot of grief for you, but that doesn’t mean she’s entirely wrong.
I think it’s ok that she doesn’t want to include you as part of their family unit, invite you on trips, or want you to help with her new babies.
Focus on your grandchildren, your daughter’s 2 kids. Do they have their own phones? If not, they will soon, and you can text them and schedule FaceTimes or ice cream dates or whatever with them.
Try to remember that as your teenaged grandchildren get older, they will pull away and have their own activities. Even if your daughter was still living, you would probably have to schedule time to see her teenagers.
If you want to say something to their stepmother, tell her that you are feeling disconnected from their family and that you’d like to stay connected in whatever way they (dad and step mom) are comfortable. Ask what that looks like and don’t accuse or criticize.
Good luck.
I agree with all the other comments about your grandchildren probably playing a part in the not visiting. The only thing you can do is keep the line of communication open and as they get a bit older they’ll mature and want to visit in their own.
Also not to completely derail the convo, but your SIL at 43 married a 24 year old? A 24 year old who had been working for the family for an undisclosed amount of time? That’s weird AF. He doesn’t sound so wholesome in that context.
You said they started dating immediately after your daughter died and you said she was emotionally distant towards you and your husband so I’m pretty sure they were having an affair. I’m 100% sure. I mean seriously the nanny.
Why is the responsibility solely on them to go see you? And, also, it’s very likely that step mom is taking the role of the “bad guy” here – bluntly, they’re teenagers, they don’t want to spend every weekend travelling to see grandma. They’re building their own lives.
I would suggest if you’d like to see them, you make an effort to attend their activities – do they play sports, do theatre, enjoy streaming, etc.? There’s lots of ways to connect with them more effectively as they near adulthood rather than “come to Grandma’s house”.
It sounds like she doesn’t consider you a relative. She considers you a relative of her step children.
Instead of trying to force a relationship with her I would just focus on your relationship with your grand children. Go through your son in law to arrange to see the kids for holidays and birthdays. If they have phones check in with them directly, find out about games/practices/school events.
The ages that they are at mean they would naturally spend less time with their family, so I would keep that in mind
14 and 17 want to be with their friends. This is the natural progression in teen years. My kids are VERY close to my mom and now they are very busy with friends on weekends. What helped is setting a specific time like every other Sunday night she takes them out to dinner. I do understand that this woman seems to be pushing you out as well though. She likely doesn’t want any reminder of his old life (your daughter). This happens all the time and it’s terrible. Shes jealous of how close you all are.
They are at the age where they have their own friends and hobbies. Spending time with Grandma every weekend is not something they are excited about doing. If they want to visit they are certainly old enough to make plans. The 17 year old is more than old enough to decide to visit if he wants to. I doubt his stepmom is keeping him from you.
I see my teenage grandchildren by asking them to do things with me. We have gone Go Cart Racing, did an Escape Room, went indoor Sky Diving, spend a day at a local water resort, etc. I’m creating memories and fun.
I can’t speak on the relationship with your son in law or the nanny but the boys are definitely at an age where it’s all about their mates
I would chat to your son in law and just explain that you don’t want to lose touch with them and if you could get together one night a month or a fortnight for dinner , maybe invite just your grand sons over for dinner every now and again
My brother is useless at staying in touch with family and even when we go to see people it’s always me calling him to take him or ask him to come too and we are now late 20s
I would go straight to the source and continue to make contact with your grandkids directly, maybe she just doesn’t know why she has to be involved in the quality time you want to spend with them. Ask them if they want to do something fun every few weeks, dinner or movies or something. Just don’t expect them every weekend given their age bracket! You sound like a lovely set of grandparents and they are very lucky 🙂
I would reach out to the kids through text from time to time and touch base. They are teenagers and I don’t mean to sound harsh but spending time with grandma isn’t likely a priority. Just try and keep the lines of communication open. Maybe plan a dinner or lunch at a future date
Personally I would have a bigger issue with your SIL dating and then marrying the nanny he hired. I’m assuming he is late 40s or early 50’s. How cliche can he get. Marrying the nanny young enough to be his daughter.
My advice distance yourself from your SIL and his nanny wife and focus on fostering a good relationship with your grandchildren. They are old enough now, you don’t need their dad as a go between
At this point the kids are at ages where they’d prefer to be doing their own hobbies or spending time with friends. Call/text them every few weeks or so to check in but at this point it seems developmental. The new wife and her kids aren’t connected to you so I could see you offering to babysit and whatnot could be uncomfortable but keep communication open with your grandkids and give them some time to learn who they are and grow
I mean, they are 14 and 17, they are perfectly capable of spending time with you and voicing that if they want. They probably just want to hang with their friends.
Your grandsons are old enough that she is not needed to facilitate a relationship. Keep in touch with them on their phones and make plans with them and deal with their dad.
Honestly this dynamic sounds super messed up but reading between the lines is that you are actually grieving the loss of your role – you’re not part of the “family unit” anymore (were you expecting to be asked for help with the new babies?!?) Are you not distressed at all by the fact that SIL took up with the NANNY? Like that would be far more devastating to me and the memory of my child jfc… sorry off topic
As to some actually helpful advice if you are being good faith and actually lamenting your link with your grandchildren I think you need to accept that the relationship will be on direct terms and not as part of the overall family unit.
Like am I cold hearted or something but it just seems really very weird to me what you seem to expect from this situation? Especially since its not just your in-law solo parenting they’ve remarried and had further children, surely surely you don’t expect to be part of the family unit with a bunch of kids that are barely connected to you in any way?
You sound like you’re trying to “show up” but that doesn’t really make sense in context, for the majority of people in this family you have no reason to be there for – my advice would be to talk to son-in-law about how they and you think it will be best to maintain a relationship with the g-kids as other comments have pointed out they are old enough to be making choices about how that looks and what sort of time spent.
My heart hurts for you. Hopefully you have the boys cell phone numbers and feel comfortable calling or texting them directly. Texting is the way of the youth though so that’s a solid bet. If the 17 yr old drives maybe they can come to you or meet you for dinner away from the house? Maybe they would like to talk about their mom with you … away from home. Keep trying.
Just wanted to add why do you think its weird you haven’t been asked to watch your son and law and nanny’s kids? No offense but those aren’t your grandkids.
When you phone your grandchildren and ask to take them to a themepark or the cinema, what is their reason for saying no?
You need to discuss this with your son-in-law. Maybe a calendar of future events you’d like to share with the boys, so he can talk it over with his wife.
I think you have to be realistic about the other children and the new wife — they are not related to you, and the new wife simply has no stake in your relationship with the boys. Unplanned visits and time with non-blood family just isn’t in the cards.
They are 14 and 17 you can reach out and make plans with them directly.
Your son in law sounds a bit creepy with his 24 year old bride and 4 kids!