So. Yeah exactly what the title says. I cannot stand him even a little bit. This is gonna be a long one so I hope whoever is reading this has a min to spare. So I’m 25, gonna be 26 in December. I married my husband in August if 2022, just two years after a boyfriend of mine passed tragically in a car accident. At the time he was someone to kinda pass the time and eventually I really did grow some strong feelings for him. I have ALWAYS hated his family. They’re the worst. That’s a whole different story but just take my word for it. Ok so we had a baby November 23rd 2024, and she was born with some health problems. She has a heart condition, and she’s always been a poor eater and had a really hard time gaining weight. She’s 9 1/2 months old now and still doesn’t really want anything to do with him. She doesn’t let him feed her, and hardly ever wants him to hold her. She only ever really wants me ( which I’m ok with tbh ) but so I’m responsible for all the baby care, and he works full time while I stay home with the baby. So while he’s at work I care for the house and for her and when he’s home he cares for the house while I care for her. He complains he never gets a break never gets any sleep and it ENRAGES me because buddy you get a fucking break when u go to work every fucking day. Even if it’s only the drive to and from that’s more than I get. He complains he doesn’t get sleep, yet from the moment she’s been born he rolls over and goes right to sleep while I lay awake worrying about her all night. I take her to all of her appointments and specialty follow ups, I make sure she has everything she needs in terms of like researching good products and stuff like that, I get her up and dressed every day and I bathe her and get her ready for bed every day I feed her every day I entertain and stimulate her I do everything in regards to her. And when he’s angry that I’m nagging him he calls me names like fat c word or a fat b word ( I’ve gained quite a bit of weight after having the baby ) or he calls me a psycho b word just anything he can call me to get under my skin and it just makes me hate him so fucking much I genuinely can’t stand him, but because my daughter cannot go to daycare because of her medical needs, I cannot return to work, leaving me stuck with him because he’s the only income. And if I divorce him his parents will have rights to her which absolutely cannot happen. Just trust me. Like tonight, so I asked him to give her a bath and get her ready for bed so I could go clean our car out and vacuum it and whatever, and so I’m out at the local gas station, and I decided to check the camera in our room to check up on my daughter, and I see she’s crying and I told him to grab a pacifier and let her hold her hairbrush cause it keeps her from crying when getting her dressed, and he fucking gets up and unplugs the camera !!!! I was FURIOUS and rushed home because how fucking dare you!!!!! I come in and I tell him do not EVER do something like that again and he starts calling me names. He claims he’s tired of being told what to do with his child all the time but obviously I’m gonna tell you what to do because you don’t care for her, I DO. And when I suggested getting her a pacifier and holding the brush I was super nice about it. I was not nice when I rushed home because how fucking dare you take away my ability to check on the child I gave birth to. I’m just so done with him I do not love him AT ALL anymore like I despise him. I hate everything about him so much that I truly find it hard to even be nice to him anymore. What do I do!? I’m so lost and I genuinely fantasize about meeting someone else. I hate that he’s her father. The only good thing about him is that he goes to work every day but he’s such a loser and has no aspirations that he’s okay with working a dead end low paying factory job for the rest of his life like wtf do I do? I’m so stuck and so miserable I just cannot do this anymore. I want a better life for me and for my child and I just don’t know where to even start at this point. I’m scared to leave him because I don’t wanna have to share custody with him because I cannot trust him alone with her he just has anger issues and loses his temper too quickly and his parents cannot be around my child, absolutely not. Plus I really have nowhere else to go. I just wanna find someone else at this point like I haven’t been happy with him for a long time. Even before having the baby he would call me names, it as often but he’s called me names before, he talked to other women behind my back before we got married and just idk. I feel stupid for having a baby with him but I love my child. Like more than anything in the universe and I don’t regret it because she’s truly changed my life. But I just wish he was out of the picture. Someone, anyone please help me. I’m desperate …
Comments
I am so deeply sorry you are going through this. Please know that your feelings are completely valid and you are not alone. The situation you’ve described sounds incredibly difficult and stressful, and your feelings of being trapped and desperate are completely understandable. It’s clear from your post that you are an incredibly strong, loving, and dedicated mother who is doing everything in her power to protect her child.
First, I think you need to take a deep breath.
Next in my opinion, this is an issue of communication, and before you decide that you want to divorce, I think that you both should attend individual and couples counseling. However, that is only a feasible option of both parties are open to it.
I think it is deeply unhealthy that he is being malicious and calling you mean names. I also think it is the unhealthy for you to be watching him on the camera in your own home and offering critique.
I think a hard truth is that neither of you appreciate the others contribution to your family and lack of healthy communication eroded away at goodwill and trust. I think both of you to decide if you can approach life as and view it as you as a couple versus the problem, instead of each of you fighting to have a specific and inflexible ‘right’ way.
You are not stupid or weak for feeling this way, what you’re describing is emotional abuse on top of the stress of caring for a medically fragile baby. Your feelings are valid, and your first responsibility is your safety and your child’s safety. Start documenting everything, reach out to local domestic violence or family support services, and consider speaking to a lawyer about custody options, even if finances are tight, there are often resources for parents in situations like yours. You deserve to feel safe and supported, and your daughter deserves a caregiver who isn’t living in fear.
Sorry you are in this situation. I think you should get into counseling and you two, as a couple, should do couples counseling to work on communication even if you plan to break up. Also, you may be having post-partum depression along with being in a relationship that has to adjust to a whole new human. He should never call you names and bully you. Also maybe talk to a local shelter as an in-between place if you don’t have anywhere else to go. Everything does not have to be figured out today. Call some friends because you are going to need them.
Not being alone in feeling like this is a huge one. There are a LOT of us and trust when I say we will be praying for you
Why would his parents gain rights to your child if you were to leave him? You’re the primary carer. He would have some rights, but his parents?
He does sound horrible – calling your spouse names like he does is just wrong & unacceptable.
You sound like you care very much for your daughter. Take care & good luck
I’m gonna be honest, it sounds like you shouldn’t have had a kid with him, but what’s happened has happened so now I’d suggest you look into therapy. You don’t have to leave the house for therapy. You can go whenever he’s at work.
Assuming you are in the US..? Whether you leave tomorrow, or next year, or in 5 years, he will have joint custody unless a judge says otherwise. Same with your in-laws. There’s no way around that unless you can prove they are dangerous to the child. So do you want to be angry 24/7 with him or just weekends when he visits your child? Being married changes few things with divorce. I would speak with an attorney about alimony and child support.
As a child who’s parents hated each other the entire first 18 years of my life, try really hard to not hate each other. Leave so you can find some peace so it doesn’t affect your baby. Babies and children feel all of that on some level.
Did these feelings just come since the baby, or were you previously ignoring them?
I mean it sounds like you made a baby with heal conditions to your rebound that you don’t know that much about.. and now you find out he’s an asshole. It’s going to lead to divorce sooner or later anyways.
You and I have a lot in common ! I’m 26 and I just had my first baby late November as well. I know exactly what you’re going through . My partner is a lot better than yours but I still struggle with being the sole caregiver for our baby while he works full time graveyard shift. My baby was also born with health issues and required a stay in the NICU . There’s a few books I can recommend to help you not hate your partner. Believe it or not the book is called “ how to not hate your husband after children” total eye opener and just a solid book. Dm me if you need to talk since we have so much in common I feel like it may help .
It sounds like you’re overwhelmed and have PPD. And your husband is an emotionally abusive AH.
However you should avoid making impulsive decisions and absolutely shouldn’t try to meet anyone else right now. You have enough problems on your plate and you don’t need a new boyfriend/stepfather to add to the mix.
First step- get legal advice. Find out what the situation might look like if you do divorce. If his parents are that terrible it may be that you can prevent them from seeing your daughter. You need to know what the law says when you are making any decisions.
Second step- figure out how you can get back to work. Maybe there is someone you can pay to watch your child? What about work from home? Is that an option?
Thirdly can you get access to therapy? It seems like you have a lot of unprocessed grief and anger and trauma.
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Thank you for sharing. I am curious if there are any respite care centers in your area I think that may help the both of you immensely. Also curious what his reaction was specifically to finding out about her heart condition
A lack of love and support from your partner when you really need it, is such a massive turn off. I hated my partner when he became my third child after having kids. I despised him.
I talked to him over and over again. Nothing was a problem he needed to deal with. I left him.
I realise this isn’t possible for you right now, but maybe putting things in place to eventually do so, would be the right course of action. Try and talk to him though, and try and help him understand (if that’s even possible 🤷🏻♀️).
Idk, sounds like you both really suck. Husband sounds like a real AH, but you sound terrible too. He gets a break when he goes to work everyday?? Do you realize how crazy that sounds? Also, he’s a loser because he’s ok working a factory job? I see a lot of red flags from you.