I absolutely HATE my MIL!

I’m from the north of India, and my husband is from the south. We dated for around four years before getting married. As many of you might know, the caste system still deeply affects Indian society. I come from SC community (which is consider backward), while my husband is a Brahmin (considered high). I’m mentioning this so you understand the complex dynamics involved.

Before our marriage, when we visited India together to introduce each other to our families, his parents especially his mother were strongly against our relationship. Her objections stemmed from my caste, her assumptions about people from my state and background, and what she called my “righteousness” and “sanctity.” She said a lot of things, mostly driven by her limited exposure to the world beyond her own thoughts and understanding. I let it go because, in the end, we got married.

Initially, she was kind to me, likely because I was doing everything expected of me. I also tried to set healthy boundaries where necessary.

In February this year, I lost my dog, and I’ve been devastated since. Around the same time, my husband and I had a fight, and in a moment of vulnerability, I opened up to my MIL about it, thinking I could confide in her. She had seemed somewhat understanding before, so I didn’t think twice before reaching out. But this time, she completely took my husband’s side and dismissed my point. She said she’d speak to him and get back to me.

Feeling emotional and vulnerable, I asked her if I had upset her in any way. She brought up an earlier conversation where she had asked me to wear a 9-yard saree for a wedding in June. (We don’t live in India, by the way.) I told her I would wear it only if it was draped professionally, not by her because she had draped it poorly at our wedding, and it looked messy in all the photos. She got offended and insisted that professionals don’t know how to drape it properly, and that she should do it. I held my ground and said this was my only condition if she wanted me to wear it. She eventually backed off.

During the call, when I brought up that issue, she said she wasn’t upset about the saree, but rather about an instance where I had snapped at my husband during a family video call. She also told me that I “should learn to shut up sometimes” and not be “so friendly.” This hurt deeply, especially because I was still grieving my dog. She was referring to a wedding we attended in January, where I was just being my usual social and friendly self.

Since then, I haven’t called or messaged her. I shared everything with my husband, he didn’t appreciate her behavior either and said he’s on my side, but unfortunately, he didn’t take any real action. He has a habit of avoiding confrontation, like the rest of his family, and I’m trying to help him change that.

I brought it up again later and asked him to talk to her. He finally did. She told him she didn’t remember saying those things and became very passive on the call. When he asked her to apologize, she said I must have misunderstood her. My husband said there’s a chance she genuinely forgot, she’s done that before with things she said to him back in India. She eventually gave me a half-hearted apology and hung up the call. To make it worse, she used my full name, which felt unnecessarily formal and cold.

We called her back to ask why she hung up like that, despite my husband confirming in advance that she was free to talk. She said she was on her way somewhere and couldn’t talk. She repeated the apology briefly and hung up again.

Later, she told my husband (who shares everything with me) that she thinks I’m arrogant and immature. That broke me. I’ve never disrespected her. I’ve always treated her the way I’d treat my own mother.

What’s really upsetting is that she’s been giving me the silent treatment since. It’s driving me crazy. I’m an only child and never had a close relationship with my own parents. I thought I’d build that kind of bond with my in-laws. I even sent her a heartfelt message expressing my feelings and my willingness to mend things but she hasn’t replied. It’s already been a day.

I told my husband, and he felt terrible about her behavior. He agreed she’s being rude and insensitive. His dad is a chill guy and stays out of things to maintain peace. He has also stopped talking to me since. They think that if they say anything I will misunderstand it, and things will get our of control. Instead of blaming and calling name and changing their behaviour, they are just blaming me.

Also, they live in a big house and it isn’t maintained well, there are cob webs everywhere, and the house is in need of renovation. They did not even paint our (now) room to make it look better. I don’t feel welcomed in that house. When I am there, I am expected to eat in their way, dress up in their way (which i don’t mind), keep my hair in braid all the time and many more things like that. I come from a family where we don’t have all these rules, and when I spoke up about certain things I feel are pushed on me, my MIL sad – IF I want to be a part of this family, I need to learn their culture. And if I find the house so bad, I could live in a hotel.

My husband doesn’t like to live their either because of the same issues and he likes the idea of staying in a hotel but I wasn’t onboard because we visit our families once a year normally, and what’s the point in staying in a hotel because we long to stay with our families.

I genuinely wanted a good relationship with both of his parents. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so torn and rejected that I have decided to never visit his family ever not even when she dies.