Im 33m, my wife 34f made a comment yesterday. Ive been really sick, and she said something like, “When im sick, do you think i can be as non functioning as you?” or something along those lines, i let it slide, maybe smirked or something, i dont remmeber. Fast forward to today, i had a very long day at work, and she calls me to ask me to pic up photos of our family for my kids first day at school. I said “ok if you need me to, and i guess i do still function when im sick.” she said thanks and hung up. She then texted me saying our last interaction hurt her feelings??? This got me upset, so i called her, and said what do you mean? i just agreed to get the photos for you? Why are you upset? and she said it was because of the comment i made that im still functioning. and i just pointed out that i made that comment in response to the comment she made yesterday, and i was just showing her i still do function. It ended in a screaming match and me hanging up on her. I am seriosuly considering divorce, not over this, but just the whole relationship is such a strain. Eevreything is an issue. She could have just left it alone i wasnt upset, she turns everything into a problem.
I agreed to do a favor for my wife and know she is upset and now i want a divorce
r/AITAH
Comments
It sounds like you’re both keeping score.
Yeah divorce sounds best
INFO: when she is sick is she able to get into bed and recover, while you take time off to look after the kids? If not then she is right.
Unless you two can work together to find out what the screaming was really about (cause it wasn’t about this one comment), then I don’t think there is a future for you as a couple.
ETA- you actually were the one to bring it back up, in a snarky way at that. Dude, I’ve been married for 18 years. Women pull the “man Flu” card all the time. Get over it. Sounds like this went for 0 to 100 real fast. This isn’t over one comment. Sit down when you both are calm and relaxed to talk this out. Sounds like some serious resentment is built up between both of you.
Look up the Four Horsemen of Relationships. You guys are well on your way to divorce already.
ESH Sounds like the two of you need a weekend away together. Raising kids is exhausting for everyone and perhaps you are both just tired and need to reconnect.
I want to know who takes care of the kids when she is sick. When you are sick do you ever call off work and just rest? When she is sick, do you call off work so SHE can rest? Or does she still do all of the kid care because you are at work? Just wondering
Therapy can work wonders! You guys may not even realize it but you need to change the way you communicate to each other. I think both of you need something from the other and don’t know how to properly voice what you need. a Therapist could help if it is worth it to you. I hope you feel better soon.
She then texted me saying our last interaction hurt her feelings
The same could be said about her comment from the day before. So the 2 of you just pick at each other constantly.
she turns everything into a problem.
Sounds like you help out. You could have left your snide little comment out but you didn’t. And you knew it was going to cause a fight.
You didn’t agree to do a *favor*. You were completing a chore for the household.
Sure, get divorced. This certainly isn’t on a path to IMPROVE.
If you couldn’t let a small comment go you might be an asshole. You did the same thing she did, only she was mature enough to be open about her feelings. YTA and divorce feels like a good idea if tiny things hurt you and her this badly.
ESH. She made a rude comment. You made it a problem the next day. Yes, you did. You made that comment, and you know why you made it. It was petty, even if it was very light. Then she made that a problem. Then you made that problem a problem. Based on this limited information, I think you both despise each other.
So you want to be able to make snarky and unhelpful comments with impunity and then blame her when she reacts to them even though it’s obvious you wanted her to react or you wouldn’t have said it to start with?
I mean, is she wrong? When she’s sick does she get to rest and you take over everything in the household or does she keep taking care of the house and the kids and other responsibilities?
You didn’t make that comment in good faith , you made it to get back at her because the comment she made hurt your ego, at least that’s my guess.
Also, she didn’t ask you for a favor, you’re also a parent and responsible for things related to your children, all you had to do was pick up pictures that SHE took the time & effort to get for your children.
If you’re ready to ask for a divorce over that (plus everything else) than maybe it’s time. But before you do, think about what you do when you’re sick (too sick to go to work) and what she does. Who looks after the kids? Who makes food? If you’re sure it’s fair, then NTA. Otherwise, maybe she has a point.
Why do people marry when they suck at communication?
Go to marriage counseling.
We need more info, ie context.
What are you “really sick” with?
Like how sick are you and how non-functioning are you?
Are you recovering from a organ transplant or do you have a cold?
I’m asking because many men are notorious babies when they have a cough and a sniffle. Meanwhile the women need to soldier on and do all the mothering duties they’ve always done.
If you are really seriously ill and you’ve been told to be on bed rest then your wife made a mean comment.
YTA. “Everything is an issue” is what people say when they don’t like being called out, and it makes you inconsiderate of your partner’s feelings.
“…and I guess I do still function when I’m sick.” is smarmy and passive aggressive. You said she couldn’t just leave the issue, but YOU’RE the one who continued it.
When she made a comment to you the other day about being sick, THAT’S when you address it with her. ‘Hey, I’m really not feeling well. Maybe you do function better when you’re sick, but this has taken a lot out of me and your comment hurts my feelings and doesn’t sit right with me.”
But instead of being an adult about it, you respond to her the next day with a passive aggressive comment, then throw in the classic “everything is an issue” when you don’t like being called out on it, then say she could’ve let it go.
The only issue here is you. You had the chance to tell her how you felt yesterday, and you didnt. Then you respond passive agressively, then blame her for causing issues when you responded like an ass today when you’re the one who could’ve handled it yesterday.
Instead of getting defensive or passive aggressive, just talk to your wife like an emotionally adjusted adult. And stop with the bs “everything is an issue.”
What are you expecting from posting this on reddit? What is there to judge here? Whether or not you should get a divorce? Because we’re not around for your relationship, we don’t see all of the interactions you have with your wife.
ESH, Seems very transactional. Tit for tat is never good. You are the one who turned this into a problem. If you were mad about a comment, you should have communicated that and tried to figure it out, instead you put it in your quiver to use as blunt instrument. You didn’t let it slide. Instead of being snide and sarcastic, you could have done something, or said nothing, you chose to be an asshole. Neither one of you is an angel in this encounter, but don’t feel like you have the moral high ground, because your moral high ground is imperceptably small and is still at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.
You’re both exhausting and deserve each other. YTA.
So you can’t even take your own advice, dismiss her, and then put the entire blame on her saying she makes everything a problem …?
Technically N T A for wanting a divorce as this will most likely do her a favor – but YTA for how you handle the situation.
Jumping to divorce over this is incredibly immature. But maybe you’re right. Maybe you shouldn’t be married given that you can’t handle petty arguments like an adult. I’ve been married for 17 years. This is definitely a petty argument.
Try marriage counseling before divorce
ESH.
Why is that a favor to her? Isn’t it for your kids? Isn’t that being a parent?
I think we must be missing loads of context. This doesn’t seem that big of a deal, at least not marriage ending. Sounds like you resent each other, are keeping score and throwing things in each other’s faces. It may feel good in the moment but it’s toxic in any relationship. You both aren’t communicating properly. Have you tried couples therapy?
When 8yr olds cosplay as 30+, this is what happens
ESH.
Going tit for tat because your feelings are hurt is never good. Perhaps communicate that her comment hurt your feelings, instead of being petty and making a dig.
If this is divorce worthy then I suggest you were already leaning that way.
She reacted out of frustration. You reacted out of frustration. Hardly hills to die on.
Your deciding this is such a big deal does make you seem very childish but maybe you just did not express yourself well. Leaving your kids over being called wimpy seems pretty wimpy.
ESH
You need an excel sheet to keep track better
Make sure she knows every single time she fucked up
Both of you should go to therapy.
Both of you are TA
People are so willing to give up their relationships. Just dispose of the people they vowed their unconditional love too. It’s such a shame.
Plz op. Go to therapy. You and your wife. For your kids and your family.
So . So petty.
Just curious- how long have you been sick and what is it that she thinks you’re not doing? Was there something she felt you weren’t doing yesterday that prompted her comment?
You should both read The Let Them Theory before you divorce… might help you unpack your big feelings.
Because there’s no reason yall should be screaming over something so silly.
Maybe learn to both work on managing your feelings before considering divorce. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to both grow vs giving up.
Any particular reason why you didn’t tell her at that moment or even a little while later, that her comments hurt you?
>You: “Okay, if you need me to, and I guess I’m still function while sick”
Last part was a jab.
>Her: “That hurts my feelings”
>You: calls her “I’m not upset just showing you I am functional. Why didn’t you just drop it?”
ESH. She shouldn’t have made the comment. You should have taken your advice and DROPPED it. You restarted the fight because YOU wouldn’t drop it. She is not great either, but seriously dude. She didn’t start that second fight, you did. You could have just apologized for hurting her feelings and saying it was a bad joke, but you proceeded to argue with her about why your words hurt her. And yes, you were likely hurt by what she said, but the way to talk about it wasn’t with jabs the next day.
ESH. Grow up.
You are both rude. Put your ego aside and get some couples counseling. This is a ridiculous justification for a divorce.
“She could have just left it alone’, after you purposely brought it back up a day later. 🙄
“It is better to live on the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife”
You both sound miserable, grow up.
YTA, youre both keeping score which tells me stuff like this happens often. You genuinely remind me of my BD I’m trying to get away from with the way you communicate, she expressed she was upset and instead of having compassion when she was vulnerable you got into a screaming match. Have you ever uttered the words, “I understand” to her? Have you ever TRIED to understand what she’s going through? The fact you see her trying to communicate, when you clearly don’t when your upset, as starting problems is ridiculous. F you getting the divorce, what’s her reddit, TikTok, anything ill tell her to leave you myself and I’m sure so many others in this comment section would too. What stopped you from telling her you were upset about what she said? Is she still having to parent while being sick? God I hope she leaves your sorry self, or at the very least you guys attend couples counseling and YOU AND HER actually try to mend your problems. Stop feeling so attacked when she says you hurt her, it’s not an attack it’s a cry for comfort and to be reassured that you didn’t mean to do it or whatever the case was. You need some maturity, you both do. I hope she can learn to love herself and prioritize herself unlike your clearly able to do for her. Fuck man, this thinking baffles me so bad.
So you were well enough to go to work but you’ve been “really” sick?
YTA for sharing your germs at work and not caring about the people you work with.
Or
YTA for being a man-baby. Because you really aren’t that sick.
It is possible that she is also an AH. But you sir, are living in a glass house.
Are you sure it’s not 13 and 14 instead of 33 and 34. Pretty silly thing to be fighting over. Especially talking about divorce. “You hurt my feelings, well you hurt my feelings first.” Yall are even, so both of you need to get over it.
Does your wife know that you post nude pictures of her on the cuckold sub?
The fact that you think picking up photos for your child is a favor to her, speaks volumes.
I notice you called doing this errand a favor to your wife. Isn’t it an errand for something your kid needed for school? Aren’t you the kid’s parent, too? The fact that you think of normal parental tasks as a favor to your wife definitely makes me think there’s a problem with the workload. She may have a point that you don’t pick up the slack when she’s sick but expect her to when you’re sick.
Also, you criticize your wife for not letting your comment go, but you didn’t let her comment go. You’re the one making a snarky comeback the next day!
She can dish it out but can’t take it
Are you sure you are 33 and 34, not 13 and 14?
It was a very stupid thing for her to say, but people are known to say very stupid things sometimes. Chill for a while, give it a little time before anything else. And for gods sake don’t argue about this more. Lastly: if I had a nickel for every horrible argument started over a text message, I’d be filthy rich. Sincere advice: stop texting. Your life will improve much, I promise. Use this blow up to accomplish that.
Well that’s drastic.
Eh I mean I always joke that my husband complains way more when he’s sick even if I just had the same exact sickness or I get it after him 🤷🏻♀️ he just jokes and says I will never experience the man flu
Yes, YTA and so is she. You both suck at marriage, she made a catty comment because she’s not emotionally intelligent to express her frustration in a mature way, you got your feefee’s hurt and because you’re not emotionally intelligent enough to express that in a mature way, you made a catty comment the next day, and then here’s the big one, because you’re both emotionally immature you both blew up.
You both suck at marriage, and if you both can’t mature, and genuinely consider some therapy, then you both should remain single instead of subjecting the next people to your collective crap.
She could have left it alone. But so could have you. Sounds like your both stretched in the relationship.
ESH. You two clearly don’t like each other and there is absolutely resentment from both sides. Either you both need to sit down and re-think how you both handle your issues, or you need to part ways and find happiness elsewhere. Doesn’t sound like either of you are happy in the relationship.
ESH. You two clearly don’t like each other and there is absolutely resentment from both sides. Either you both need to sit down and re-think how you both handle your issues, or you need to part ways and find happiness elsewhere. Doesn’t sound like either of you are happy in the relationship.
If this is the hill you’re willing to let your marriage die on then there’s a lot more going wrong…
YTA. Maybe look at your actions as a father and a husband and realize that she isn’t feeling supported in one area or another, and you need to step up because she’s now addressing the issue. You should have been the one to leave this alone.
You sound like a man child. She should definitely leave you to “function” on your own. Honestly you could have left it alone too, it happened yesterday. Ugh 🙄
It sounds like when you are sick you lie on the couch and do nothing while she waits on you and the children, and when she is sick you lie on the couch and do nothing while she waits on you and the children. If so, she is a married single mother. Go ahead and divorce her, she’ll thank you for it.
YTA, mostly because of the terrible spelling and boring story.
Both the AH. Divorce? Ummmm…..man sick is a real thing and I think it is impacting your thought process. No body likes being sick. Women just tend to be the caregivers so downtime isn’t really an option.
Besides that, if you didn’t like her comment to start, why would you return the favor?
this is something so stupid to get divorced over lol. y’all shouldn’t have gotten married 😭
It sounds like you two don’t actually like each other
honestly she shouldn’t have made the comment but it could have some truth to it and she feels you was mocking her or something but yeah getting upset over a reply to a comment she made not it. she should understand you have every right to make one back.
ESH.
Your child has their first day at school tomorrow – so maybe feeling nervous, unsure of what to expect and need a little reassurance and attention from parents. Your child instead got to hear “a screaming match” after the 2 of you make digs at one another.
Divorce is a very extreme reaction (with no back story provided), but you need to work together to improve this relationship (to be honest, future relationships will be written off too unless behaviour, reactions and communication improve). A good tip is to be aware that as your child grows they are absorbing everything you say/do as well as catching what you don’t say or do. A son may emulate your behaviour or a daughter expect to be treated by men as you treat her mum…
The fact she is that upset over this and that it made you petty enough to consider divorce means it’s probably best for both of you. Sorry you’re going through this.
Jesus christ just divorce already. You already obviously hate each other.
You had to prove you were right and that backfired. Sorry you poked the bear as they say. And then you minimized your part of the interaction.
Both need to stop trying to be right and keeping score. Put more effort into being happy than right.
Either you don’t let slide anything she said or just let it go, your harboring resentment over things she did without processing it will very much end your marriage.
Where is the communication in your relationship?
Why don’t you discuss with her like adults instead of the screaming matches that benefit no one?
It’s very clear that there will be no future for your marriage without honest & deep conversations. It’s time for MC, before rushing to divorce over issues that you both didn’t try to get professional help to address.
everything is an issue, because you’re ALSO making everything an issue. you could have left it alone but, you turned it into a problem again, by retaliating!…. which means you are lying…. you actually WERE upset. it’s such a strain. she should seriously consider divorce.
Yeah YTA. just get divorced tbh yall dont seem mature enough to be married.
You idiot, the photos are for your kid not a favor to your wife. You sound like a nightmare. I hope she leaves your dumbass
This is the kind of fight couples have when they don’t want to talk about the deeper issues.
You were being passive aggressive with your comment. She called you on it. Something tells me this is something you both do to each other often and it’s no wonder you’re miserable. You say she could’ve left it alone, but you’re the one who couldn’t leave her comment from the day before alone and still felt a need to be passive aggressive about it. And she was passive aggressive making the initial comment in the first place. You both need therapy.
“…I wasn’t upset…” but you did remember the comment she made and use it against her. If you were already thinking about divorce, that says enough about your relationship imo.
Get divorced you both sound terrible.
It all depends on one thing – are you one of those guys, who is completely non-functioning when sick, and can make a head cold into a trauma for the entire family because you suck up so much energy?
You said you smirk, so I’m guessing that you are. if so yes YTA.
She’s pointing out that you get completely non-functional when sick, and do you think she would be able to do that when she got sick, or doesn’t she have to get off her ass and do things because you won’t pick up the slack for her in the same way as she does when you’re sick? That’s the translation you missed and it was a cry for help, instead you’re going to make a gravel while your arrogance runs things.
I have a feeling that the communications difficulties you and your wife are experiencing are in your deficient comprehension. You took her comment as an insult instead of a comment on your shared reality with her, that you should analyze and think about, and realize something critical from, and now you’re going to turn that into a divorce?
Wow, I hope you divorce her, she definitely needs someone better than you- she needs someone less childish, less self-indulgent, less pouting, less lazy, and less of a snotty dick, in every sense. She needs someone less ignorant, less arrogant, and more able to read subtext, than you.
You probably enjoyed being served by her in your days of sickness, while you wouldn’t dream of doing the same for her and taking over all of her tasks when she gets sick. That’s what she was saying, too bad it blew right over your head, and the only response you could manage was ego driven dismissal.
Yeah dude, you really are The Asshole.
To be honest, it sounds like she’s pointing out that she still has to function when she’s sick because women don’t get a day off. Now that you’re sick, you want to be treated like you’re sick. It came out bitter on her end because maybe she didn’t like the unfairness of it all. Instead of talking to her about it, you went said a petty thing knowing very well that this whole situation bothers her. If you don’t know what that is, then there’s your problem! Men want to be taken care of when they’re sick, but when mommy is sick she doesn’t rest because she takes care of the kids and husband. Listen to her and stop being petty! Actually take care of her when she’s sick or tired or both. Marriage is about taking care of each other and when parents are happy, kids are happy and the environment is better. Stop being like children and actually talk! The yelling is definitely from not listening. She’s burned out and she doesn’t know how else to communicate because of the lack of emotional awareness from either party.
See a therapist before you two blow up your lovely family. You can fix this.
Go see a marriage counselor. I think asking for a divorce is premature.
You both sound like children. ESH. You both need to go work on yourselves and develop better communication, emotion regulation, insight/self awareness, relationship effectiveness, etc skills at minimum. It’s honestly concerning that you have guys have children while you both act like children.
Have you had any talks where you explain how you feel about her making a big issue of everything? Maybe she thinks you do the same and you don’t recognize it? Maybe you both need to sit with a counselor and try to work things out, so someone can teach you both how to communicate instead of just one upping each other all the time? Worth a shot. Divorces are hell.
Solution: cage match. Two go in and one comes out, Mad Max style. /s
framing things like picking up family photos as “doing a favor for my wife” is weird and arrogant. it’s only a task that’s for the family good, much like grocery shopping or laundry… unless you’re one of those that doesn’t do grocery or laundry “favors”.
Men tend to not know how to function when they have the sniffles
ESH
She made a snippy comment instead of saying something like, “When I’m sick, I still have to take care of everyone else. I would like the ability to just go to bed and get well that I provide for you.” And then you made a snippy comment instead of looking into what was really bothering her, even though she was snippy, because you’re supposed to care.
Y’all are perfect candidates for marriage counseling. Problems like this can be resolved. Unless you don’t even want to try to save your marriage. It does take work.
You made a passive aggressive comment in response to her previous passive aggressive comment. That usually is unproductive and makes people feel attacked. Instead try talking face to face, telling her why it hurt you when she said what she did about you being non-functional.
ETA You all need relationship counseling because you all doing things wrong to be at each other like this. Marriages go through ups and downs but it’s important to work at it together. Being happy and in love is a choice.
I had to take another look at the ages. This is the way kids behave
I think your wife has had it up to here with carrying both the mental and physical load whether she is sick or not.
Does she have to ask you to “help”? Does she have to explain how to do certain chores? Do you know your children’s teachers or doctors names? Can you, at any given time, say where your kitchen stands grocery wise, or household needs like shampoo or toilet paper? Etc etc etc.
I think your wife is resentful as hell at this point. Ask your wife exactly how you need to change. And listen to her and hear her. Though it could even be too late for that.
And going straight to divorce? Maybe stop by a counselor first
YTA for no other reason than calling fulfilling your responsibilities as a father a “favor” to your wife. From that alone, I am 100% certain that your wife does the vast majority of housework and parenting, and that you expect her to do so even when she’s sick.
This sounds very transactional.
What we are missing: when she is sick, what of her responsibilities do you pick up?
When you are sick, what of your responsibilities does she pick up?
Oh, for Pete’s sake, if you think you still love her, get couple’s therapy.
You two have bad habits, and do not communicate well.
This is EXACTLY what couple’s therapy is for.
You won’t be any good with anyone else with these habits, either, so divorce will not be some magical solution to the real problem.
Good luck
Info needed: do you have kids? When she is sick, is she still expected to care for the children, cook, do chores, run errands, etc?
Does that same expectation apply to you when you’re sick? Sounds like a double standard and an overworked wife trying to point out some kind of hypocrisy going on.
It sounds like some REAL petty bullshit to divorce over. I think you should try to work things out. Once the D-word is dropped, it probably wont’ be un-dropped.
ESH
YTA. She’s making a point (probably valid) and you were only tired not fully sick when you picked up the photos of your child. You weren’t doing her a favour, it was a family chore. If you can let her be sick when she’s sick without expecting to pick up any chores then you’re addressing her point. But instead you’ve chosen to throw her comment in her face, which shows she can’t point out your flaws without a bite back.
OP- you both have some SERIOUS growing up to do. This is a toxic way to communicate. If you continue to right fight you will both end up miserable. ESH
I HIGHLY recommend marriage counseling. It took me a long time to realize that acting upset is not the same as communicating my feelings. Healthy communication is key for a happy marriage.
Life’s too short.
Tbh, many men act like they are dying when they have the sniffles while women-SPECIFICALLY MOMS-never get the option of “dying”, we have to carry on regardless of how sick we feel. BUT-it sounds like you 2 could benefit from some therapy. Fighting like that is really harmful to your kids. You don’t want them to think that it’s normal.
Lot of passive aggression going on here. I predict this will end badly.
Whenever men/women or otherwise in a marriage start picking at what they think is ‘one simple thing’ I remember it’s never just that one thing. It’s everything that built up around that, and this ‘little’ thing is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn do this perfectly.
https://youtube.com/shorts/0KmSueTW06w?si=Y1c1e_FyIAYCrmNK
I FELT that mispelling of everything…
Sounds like both of you are harboring resentment and are just being jerks to each other
Yeah man, go ahead and blow up your kid’s childhoods just cause you and your wife can’t be bothered to act like adults and treat each other with respect. Fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?
You responded in a passive aggressive way. Instead of instant divorce how about therapy together to learn how to communicate more effectively.
YTA You know you are picking up the family photos for your child, not doing a favor for your wife – right? You have both been petty, but you win TA award, congratulations.
One thing I’ve learned in 22 years of marriage is that if you can’t let the little things slide, you’re not going to make it
Please don’t threaten divorce unless that’s what you’ve decided to do, it’s really cruel to try and manipulate people with that threat. Because you have kids, I’d recommend couple’s counseling to try and salvage this. Both of you need to learn how to express your feelings calmly rather than making these biting, snarky comments. She should say “I don’t feel it’s fair that when I’m sick I still have to do x,y,z without you offering to pick up any slack, but when you’re sick, I let you nap while I handle the kids and chores alone”. Then you can calmly offer your side of the story. This is an unhealthy dynamic.
How is doing a household chore to support your kid’s schooling a favor to your wife? Do you frequently refer to tasks related to parenting your own kids favors to your wife?
My husband and I have been married 56 years. I will tell you a secret. Marriage is always hard. Raising kids is hard. However being alone is hard and growing old alone is hard. Divorce is hard. Life is full of hard choices but making it through those hard times gives you a sense of accomplishment and builds confidence. No matter who you are with, there will be lots of strain. I have also noticed that people who divorce tend to remarry to another person just like the first one but in a different body. What attracted you to the first person also attracts you to the next one. You might as well work it out with the first spouse. As you get older and less volatile. The kids grow up and are on their own and financial pressures are less urgent you may remember why you got married in the first place. You have to make peace with the fact that life is seldom as much fun as it is in a beer commercial.
ESH The fact that you have kids is the most upsetting thing here. You’re both clearly still children yourselves. Stop keeping score.
If it’s like this now and you don’t leave then welcome to the rest of your life. In fact as the contempt grows it will only get worse
Yeah divorce. You both are at each other’s throat .maybe try marriage counseling first.
Fathers don’t understand what it’s like to be a mom, you literally never switch off. I’ve been violently ill and still had to take care of my child, I’ve literally been haemorrhaging blood and still had to take care of my child, sleep deprivation, endless cooking, cleaning, caretaking. Picking up photos is probably a drop in the water compared to what she does daily. I empathise with her. What she was telling you is, all of the times she’s picked up the slack for you or soldiered on because she had to makes her feel resentment.
The minute communication becomes like this, that’s when you’re in the danger zone. You can divorce her, she’ll be more than okay with time.
“Babe what’s wrong?”
“Nothing”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yea I’m fine!”
“Okay then”
“I just think it’s funny that….”
You’re both immature and communicate like shit.
Sorry, man. You’re both doing very toxic things. Keeping score never helps. If you want your marriage to work, then you’ve got to do some counseling. I recommend individual for both of you and couples to work through your problems.
First of all, doing stuff for your kid isn’t “doing a favor” for your wife. They are just as much your kid as they are hers. And it was YOUR families’ photos, not hers.
Secondly, your post makes it very clear that both of you are keeping score in your relationship. It seems like you’re just picking at each other instead of actually communicating.
I have no idea if your marriage can be fixed, but you should at least try for the sake of your child.
Well I guess you could have just gone and picked up the pictures without the nasty, sarcastic comment, but then you would not have gotten the last word, and where’s the fun in that?
By all means get a divorce. You don’t like your wife and will find a reason eventually. Might as well get it over with.
>She could have just left it alone
YOU are the one that brought it up again! YTA
I feel we are missing needed context, because this interaction isn’t that big a deal. I think you both need to work on your communication skills with each other. Sounds like both of you were being sparky because of unresolved issues.
ETA: btw, that’s not a favor. You were doing something for your kid that makes it equally your responsibility. You don’t get an award for the minimum.
Ill just say this…you are both obviously stubborn and like to have the last word. Seems you both bring up things to simply irritate one another. How can i assume that? Hubby and i were the exact same way at first and for years. We learned how to either just ignore it or laugh it off. Stuff like this isnt as deep as either of you are making it. You both nit pick just to piss each orher off, probably not even realizing it. Either work it out or split, not a good environment for your kid!
Quitter. Just go to therapy and distribute load evenly. This is like entry level post kids bickering and you two struggle to empathize. I cannot believe one would suggest divorce over it. Why did you get married then?! The whole point you commit to work on normal range of issues as they arise.
This is stupid and petty, stop making digs at each other
There’s way more to this story.
But you want a divorce over this squabble?
Yes, YATAH
I’m going to guess that she is carrying a lot of the invisable load for the family. You were congratulating yourself for agreeing to do a family chore. But who initiated, tracked, and managed that family chore? Probably her. So you get to do the very last of that task, only when asked, and then throw it in her face how diligent you are. I’d also be pissed.
Both need counseling
Bad comms there bro. You both need to reign it in a bit. It’s bit a competition.
ESH you both need some self-awareness and perspective. Your wife shouldn’t have made her comment, that was uncalled for. But you gotta learn how to say, “Hey that was hurtful,” instead of trying to hurt back. Maybe you guys should get divorced, neither of you act like you like the other one.
Your post is too vague, so I’ll put it like this; 1st instance your wife was in the wrong. 2nd instance you were in the wrong.
Now that that is said, there is something more than this going on. So I suggest marriage counseling like so many others have probably said. So few people would get mad if this was a one off thing. My SO and I joke so that if others heard they’d think we are arguing. We are not. More of like word games and zingers
Men typically do act like babies when their sick and woman always have to do a lot while sick. She was expressing how she feels and you were being snarky with your comment. It’s not the same. Get that divorce.
Well I got to ask you, what was the point in calling out that you still function whilst sick? It was pretty un-needed but you still said it. I’m not on her side either, her saying that to you was also pretty disrespectful. Clearly some massive communication issues going on here and probably more problems.
While it is known that men like to make more of a scene when sick, it doesn’t mean we don’t function. I do think we’re entitled to care as much as the next person, including your partner, whom I sure also gets pampered too.
The only issue I see here, is the massive communication issues and the fact you guys want to go tit for tat. Clearly some resentment over some pretty petty shit within the year or so.
I made a comment about needing counseling if you want to make the marriage work. This is a separate idea: Man-sick.
I have heard other wives refer to how men respond to being sick as being Man-sick. As in, men, when sick, feel like they’re dying and can’t possibly lift a finger.
I think it has something to do with men being socialized to be “indestructible”. As toxic as that is, it also leads to men feeling like they are on death’s doorstep before they can call in sick to work. If I feel good enough to do [insert household activity], then I should be at work instead.
Divorce over that little fight? 🤣🤣
We are missing a load of context, and if you are ready to just give up on your marriage because it gets hard… Are you sure you were ready to get married in the first place? It sounds like you need to go to couples counseling and learn how to effectively communicate with one another. Again. I know we are missing the back story here, but that seems like one very weak straw to break the camel’s back.
It’s not that hard to be helpful without a smart ass comment.
If you guys keep poking each other over dumb shit someone is bound to blow up.
Be kind to each other.
ESH
Holy fuck you both are passive aggressive AHs. You belong to for each other, no one wants to deal with your bullshit.
Just pick up the dam photos why do you need to a jerk for doing something.
Her, why make that comment and then go offended when it’s hard kn retaliation
Jesus your marriage seems miserable. NTA, but keeping score is a painful way to live
You are both terribly childish.
This is a divorce waiting to happen. It will do you both good to separate and live better lives apart.
ESH. For two adults in a marriage, you have absolutely shocking communication skills.
There is a huge disconnect between what each of you is saying and what you are hearing and what you actually mean.
She says: “When I’m sick, do you think I can be as non-functioning as you?”
You hear: “You’re not doing enough.”
What she actually means is: “When I’m ill, I feel like I’m expected to carry on as normal – being the project manager for our house and family. I feel that when you are ill, you get to rest and check out on your responsibilities and it makes me resentful. We both deserve rest when we are ill.”
Then, a few days later, when the argument is dead and buried, you decide to dig it up.
She asks a favour and you say: “Ok, if you need me to, and I guess I do still function when I’m sick.”
You really mean: “Look, I’m trying, I’m doing my best to help even though I don’t feel well and I’ve been at work all day.”
She hears: “Fuck your feelings. I didn’t listen to a thing you said the other day. And, quite frankly, I think I deserve validation for doing the bare minimum.”
And that’s how this tiny argument over nothing turned into a giant screaming match. I suspect this is how a lot of your conversations go. Honestly, you guys just need therapy to learn how to talk to each other like grown ups.
YTA! You picking up pictures for your children is not doing your wife a favor. You’re the one that made a passive aggressive remark and are now victimizing yourself because your wife called you out on it. And you gave no context as to why your wife made the original comment about “functioning” which means that it was either warranted and/or true. Your wife is clearly doing majority of the household and parenting and you’re a man-child throwing a fit.
So in other words:
You get the man flu and are expected to be able to check out. And then you expect high praise for literally a basic function of being a parent like picking up something from the kids school?
You want a BJ for putting your socks in the hamper too because you didn’t create a mess for her by using it as “cleanup?”
Personally, I get off at screaming match. I could be 100% in the wrong – I don’t care. If you feel you need to escalate to yellingscreaming, even if you are justified, this relationship isn’t working and I’m dropping it. If someone makes my life harder and more exhausting, it’s not someone I’m keeping in my life. Friend, partner, whatever. Life is too short and exhausting enough as is without having to constantly deal with exhausting people.
This has to be fake – you’re not really this clueless, are you?
Just the fact you called picking up photos of your family “a favor for your wife” tells me everything I need to know. You sound insufferable.
Did you function? Sounds like she still had to manage you. It’s not about the photos.
So picking up your kids’ school pictures is a lot of work for you? And now, because she didn’t worship your great kindness for picking up your kids’ pictures, you want a divorce? Is that about right? Yes, you are overreacting or at an AH whichever subreddit I am on.
Your comment was passive aggressive and childish. Her comment likely was, too – although depending on how much slack she had to pick up for you while you were sick, maybe it was a genuine question. I wonder what her version of this post would be. Either way, you don’t like her and if this is your trigger for divorce, it’s probably for the best.
If you have to always work at your marriage, you aren’t married to the right person.
If you’re considering divorce over this you might as well because this marriage is not going to last
I would let your heads cool off before you go any further down that road.
Definitely is a big deal, minimizing your problems but you need to show empathy when she’s in your shoes. Seems like someone who nitpicks a lot and that gets old
Both of you get your asses to therapy.
It sounds like she is burnt out from picking up a lot of invisible work around the house, something that happens frequently to women in hetero relationships. She’s not right to scream at you; it’s everyone’s responsibility to manage their own emotions and prevent burnout by setting cleaner expectations, boundaries, and agreements. But that’s what it sounds like. I’d take some space from one another for a few days and decide if you think you can each get to a place of collaboration. If you can, shell out good money for a GOOD therapist in a big city, set egos aside, and collaborate.
You sound insufferable and spiteful.