I almost died by hanging

A few months ago, I tried to kill myself. I made a noose and tied it around a household object (not saying what because I don’t want this to be a suicide instruction post) and around my neck. I stood on a chair, and pushed it slowly away. The weight of the rope slowly pressed up against my neck. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, the rope was thin and it was cutting into my neck with my whole bodyweight. When the chair was almost gone, the inner survival instinct in me kicked in. I wanted to die, but when you are actually dying, all you can think about is how to survive. It’s hardwired. I had a pair of scissors in my hand meant for if I wanted to cut the rope, but the lack of blood flow made me so weak the scissors dropped. I remember thinking the only chance of survival was gone-this was the end. I tried and tried to pull the chair back and I couldn’t. Any time I tried to pull it back it slipped further away. Finally, I had a moment of peace-even in the hardwired fear of dying, I was happy it would all be over. I accepted the end. Finally I fell. The pain was unreal. I was hanging by my neck on a string.

I don’t remember anything until half an hour later, laying on my couch, shaking and crying. I think the crazy ‘survival instinct adrenaline’ kicked in. I’m assuming somehow I reached the chair, flailing about. I either blacked it all out, or the lack of oxygen did. The pain was unreal for days.

It’s all coming back to me now. There’s one part of me that’s grateful, one part that’s angry and wishes it had worked. I think the second is the larger part of me. I feel like I’m supposed to be dead, I accepted that I was going to die, and yet I survived against all odds. If I had done anything different I would have been dead. If I had decided to call someone I would have died because of the lost time. If I had pushed the chair a centimeter further I wouldn’t have been able to reach and would have died. I don’t know how to process that. The marks are still on my neck, it reminds me. I wish I had died that night, but I’m not willing to go through anything like that ever again, especially if I survive again.

Feel free to ask anything you want. I won’t get offended.