Im ’24F’ married to my husband ’26M’ currently. We have been together for over 4 years we have a 2 year old son and a 6 month old daughter and I’ve never been happy with him.
It feels like I’m not allowed to disagree with him about anything at all even small things like what brand of paper towels we buy. I’ve been walking on eggshells this whole time.
After having our son i realized my husband is actually kind of a jerk. He never helped me with anything, not housework, not changing the baby, not even just keep an eye on the baby so I could go to the bathroom.
Then I had our daughter via c-section. My son at the time was 35 pounds and I wasn’t supposed to lift anything more than the baby for 6 weeks. My husband didnt even last a day of taking care of our toddler. The night I got home from the hospital I was already having to pick him up, change him, feed him, make dinner, clean the house, all while my husband found knew fun things to do on his computer while he was on paid family leave.
I am currently a SAHM and I get that I dont bring in an income, but I just feel like too much is put on my shoulders. If it was just the kids it’d be fine but then I also have to kepe my son from making his dad upset because I dont feel like having a new hole punched in the wall.
So my question is, is anyone in a genuinely happy relationship? Does it exist? Are there people who can have grown adult disagreements, that dont turn into yelling matches?
As a little girl i always thought it’d be happily ever after and id be in love and treated like a lady but sadly I’ve found this isnt true. Im feeling super hopeless with the way things and if I left my husband id just be sad and alone for the rest of my life.
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My partner of five years and I are first and foremost a team. When we disagree about something, we put our heads together to find a solution that meets both of our needs. We’ve never once raised our voices at each other.
I’ve never been happier with someone.
I’m sorry to hear your chosen partner doesn’t make you feel the same way, but please be assured that the reason is not that real love doesn’t exist.
Your relationship is a negative one and you should leave. You were so young marrying him and having children. It’s very tough for you. Leave and focus on you and the children and be happy. All access and child support etc to be sorted legally with the divorce.
That sounds terrible. To answer your questions my husband of 5 years and I have also had some rough arguments before, but the important thing is that we both decided to work together to be able to communicate more effectively with each other. We’re not perfect, but it’s the drive to grow and change so that we can have disagreements without hurting each others feelings that really made things matter. We could’ve both started off better at communicating with each other, but if there’s no desire to learn to do better, it’s pointless.
We haven’t had a childish argument in years, and we have been truly happy together since the start.
I’m so sorry you’re not experiencing that right now, but it love and happiness exist for you too somewhere.
The entire premise of your question is flawed. Just because you are (rightfully) unhappy in your marriage to this human piece of garbage, why would you assume you could never be happy? Obviously there are countless people who are in happy relationships, and you could be too, just not with this asshole.
This is not normal. This is a bad story I hear people tell about someone they know. I married my husband in my late 20’s, and a lot of our friends married their partners in their late 20’s, early to mid 30’s. I think at that age you just know more about what you want from a partner.
The relationships I see are true partnerships. They support each other through the ups and downs. When one person is sick or tired the other person picks up the slack. No questions asked. No complaining. They’re best friends. They laugh together and cry together.
You are so young still. Leave. He doesn’t care about you and he doesn’t care about your kids. He only cares about himself and he’s willing to sacrifice your physical health to get more free time. He’s disgusting.
I’ve been with my husband 7 years and everyday I’m glad we’re together.
I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Being loved and treated like a lady requires the right man — unfortunately you don’t have it and you probably won’t unless you get out of that relationship. The way he is treating you is not right and it saddens me because you think you will end up alone. But he is a burden and your life will be lighter without him.
Um im 23F and struggling with my relationship. The realest advice I’ve had is there is someone out there for you and has the qualities you like . Punching holes in a wall is not okay, and personally something I would leave for. My boyfriend has punched a wall in his own house wall but if was a space we shared , I would never feel safe there. I feel like there are better men out there and since you have 2 young kids it might be a while before you find one. But I promise you will not be alone for the rest of your life, and judging from your own words, being alone would be better than walking on eggshells
Get yourself and your children out of there right now. You say that your husband yells and punches holes in the wall, which means that he’s creating an unsafe atmosphere for you and your kids. Even if you won’t leave for your own sake, you have a responsibility to those kids to keep them safe and that means protecting them from a father that behaves that way. Reach out to friends and family to see if you can stay with them, and if you don’t have anyone, then check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for help to get all of you away from your husband and into a family shelter, where they can help you get access to other housing and work with you to get your skills to where you can find a job that will support all of you.
Your relationship isn’t representative of all relationships. You just married the wrong guy I’m afraid. I have a great relationship with my wife, we split housework evenly, enjoy our own hobbies, at our happiest when in each other’s company. That guy is out there, you’re just not going to find him at home unfortunately.
I am very happy in my relationship ( no kids) but my partner loves cooking, helps clean up, likes to take care of me when I am sick. I am keeping him
When I was in a toxic, unhappy relationship I used this phone app called Pixels that let’s you kind of diary and color code each day based on your “moods”. I basically just color coded the days without using the diary to get an idea of what my overall days looked like while with him.
When I noticed most days showed to be negative I was so upset with myself for living my only life like that. I don’t want to waste my time trying to make someone happy who wasn’t capable of it. Not while they were with me anyway.
I think life might actually be a little easier alone than with someone else you have to monitor yourself and your kids around all the time.
There are people out there who will love and adore you endlessly. It’s okay to want that for yourself, and to show your kids what healthy relationships look like.
Don’t let your current relationship tarnish your perceptions of the entire world. No, you are absolutely not in a happy relationship at present; in fact, one could posit that you are not actually in a relationship at all, but rather are a single mother of three — two children and then a 26-year-old male who purports to be your husband but is actually just a freeloader. You are being taken advantage of, if we phrase it politely; if we don’t, it’s a lot worse. Regardless, it’s no surprise that you aren’t happy with the state of your current (sarcasm quotes) “relationship.”
But, again, don’t take that frustration and project it onto the world at large. If you do, you’ll find yourself in trouble. Let’s say you simplify your life by kicking out the 26-year-old freeloader — that kid should be able to take care of himself by now — and focusing on the other two. At some point, you’ll have the option of getting back into the dating pool. But if you let your frustrations get the better of you, you won’t find anyone worthwhile. You have to open your heart to the possibility that you can find someone mature, emotionally available, and ready to step up and be a partner. He’ll do the dishes, if that’s what you want; he’ll take care of the kids, if that’s what you want; heck, on rare occasions, he may even do both, so that you can go hide in the bedroom and finally get an hour to yourself. That’s what your (sarcasm quotes) “husband” is currently doing — and, to be clear, the problem is not that he is engaging in self-care, because you, he and every other parent on the planet deserves self-care. The problem is that his ratio of self-care to, you know, any other form of responsibility, is wildly unbalanced.
And here’s the other problem: you can’t make him change. He isn’t hiding out playing video games because he doesn’t realize that he has responsibilities to his wife and children. He’s hiding out precisely because he does know he has those responsibilities, and he straight-up doesn’t want to meet them. He doesn’t want to be a husband or father. And your two options, as the woman unlucky enough to trip over his immaturity, are to either put up with his dead weight or to jettison his dead weight. The options where you magically transform him into a grown-up do not exist.
>Im ’24F’ married to my husband ’26M’ currently. We have been together for over 4 years we have a 2 year old son and a 6 month old daughter and I’ve never been happy with him.
You say “I’ve never been happy with him” so can we assume he’s always been like this? This isn’t new behaviour that could indicate medical issue affecting his personality?
> After having our son i realized my husband is actually kind of a jerk.
A jerk? He yells, he punches holes in the walls …
Please get out. Please get your kids and get out.
> if I left my husband id just be sad and alone for the rest of my life.
Maybe? Maybe not. You have no way of knowing that. But would that be better and safer for you and the children than staying?
Money buys power.
My best friend was in your situation. She got out and do can you if you have the determination and drive to change your circumstances.
First step is having a serious convo with him about why he behaves like this and if he realizes how much it bothers you
I don’t know the situation, but I struggled a lot with mental illness and anger outbursts when the sleep deprivation took over with my first child. I was losing my mind. I was doing my best, but it was far from good. I got intensive outpatient care and it helped, but I had to want it and work. I’m not perfect but it’s better. Have you talked to your husband about therapy and all of the grievances? Real threat of losing his family might turn something around. Not saying you should, but if you want to stay with him, something must change because his behavior is not acceptable. Hang in there.
Here’s the thing, you don’t have to be in a relationship. Learn how to be happy on your own and then look for someone who shares those values. Unfortunately you are stuck with this jerk one way or another for at least 18 years.
And you aren’t just in an unhappy relationship, you are currently in an abusive one. Punching walls and being angry all the time is not normal, he needs therapy regardless if you stay together or not because I would NEVER leave my kids alone with that man. Talk to a lawyer because unless you start documenting this behavior, he will get joint custody.
Yes there are many genuinely happy marriages and relationships out there. You could have one too. Unfortunately you are tied to an abusive AH right now. You need to get out. Punching holes in the walls?? Not good at all.
>making his dad upset because I don’t feel like having a new hole punched in the wall.
Um… this is not healthy at all. You should not be walking on eggshells. It sounds like you married the wrong person. What can you do about that?
My first husband was like your husband. My second husband is truly loving, sweet, gentle, generous and kind. You will find real love, but you have to make room in your life by getting rid of this bad guy. The book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft will help you get free safely. It’s available for free download on his website.
Your question shouldn’t be “Do happy relationships exist?” Because of course they do. Your question should be “Am I in a happy relationship?” The answer is no.