I am 25M and I am seeing this hot realtor 35F. She is divorced and has a 7 year old daughter. I have been seeing her for last 8 months. We have been on dinner dates atleast once or twice every fortnight. Whenever we meet we smash. Recently we fell into an argument because I want to know what exactly she wants? Its been so long I want to make things official and she says wants to know more about me. I don’t know what else she wants to know about me. Fun fact I am yet to meet her daughter.
Any advice?
TL;DR: I’m a 25M seeing a 35F divorced realtor with a kid for 8 months. We have a good physical connection, but she’s hesitant to make things official. I want clarity, but she says she still wants to get to know me better. I haven’t met her daughter yet. Not sure what to do.
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I’m assuming you asked what else she needs to feel comfortable?
I’m not sure what she could be looking for; whether she’s seen your home, wants to meet your parents or friends, whether there’s questions she hasn’t asked.
She wants NSA sex, probably. And maybe she doesn’t want to make things official or make it any more complicated than that. If that’s not what you want, then you have a choice to stop it.
She may want exactly what she’s getting and nothing more.
What do you want?
These conversations are usually more productive when you’re vulnerable and clear about your own wishes and needs. Don’t just throw out “But what do you want?!” to the wind. That will rarely get you much clarity.
Know what you hope for. Ask for what you want. Listen to what they think, and what thier needs/wishes/timelines are. In the end, anything that isn’t a Hell Yes is a No.
Single parents tend to be more cautious about the people they bring to their lives, because kids can get attached to them, and if they leave, the children will have a hard time dealing with this new hole in their life.
Sounds like she just wants a FWB. She shouldn’t be introducing her daughter to you until you guys have been official for at least a year.
I would honestly just keep smashing and then move on. She is 35 and has a kid. Your 25 and you dont. Enjoy the cougar and move on dude.
It’s a temporary situationship.
You are 25! Find yourself some 20+yo woman and build your own family with her.
This is probably want she wants honestly. Someone younger to have sex with.
She definitely should tell you what she’s looking for cause it’s probably different than what you want.
How long ago did she get divorced? You may be a rebound or some young fun for her. If the divorce is more recent, she’s probably not looking for anything serious. Which, again, she should be telling you this plainly and not leading you on so you hope for more.
Also, at 8 months, at your age, and with no real definition of the relationship; she probably shouldn’t be introducing you to her kid anyways. You don’t seem like a boyfriend, maybe a FWB.
If she’s a good mom, she’s not going to introduce anyone to her kid for a while- probably only when she sees them as a future husband/LTR.
Don’t want her kid to get attached to someone especially when they went through the divorce too.
She just wants to smash. That’s it. She has a daughter and a busy life. Probably has some other young guys who she also smashes. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Brother, just enjoy the now and make sure you use contraception. Her life is much more complicated than yours and you don’t want to be involved too deeply. Enjoy the ride until it’s time to move on.
I’m not going to assume that a 35 year old dating a 25 year old is immature or doing so because people their own age don’t tolerate their behaviour. But I *am* going to assume that in this specific case, because no 35 year old man looking for something serious is going to tolerate someone refusing to put a label on things because they “don’t know you well enough” after almost a year of dating.
You are the guy she has sex with. That’s what she wants. She isn’t looking for a serious commitment from you, but is willing to string you along. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, you’ll have to look somewhere else.
Sounds like you are a FWB only. Who pays for the dinners?
At 25, you barely know who you are, and being a single mother, she’s probably also trying to figure that out. Such as do you keep your word? Do you make thoughtful decisions? Are you loyal? How do you handle bad life experiences? These kinds of questions take time to answer.
She has a kid, and for her to incorporate you into her life, she needs to be careful. Dating single mothers is an exercise in patience. You’re going to have to let her feel more comfortable to move forward, and that takes time and lived experiences.
The way you talk about her is…really superficial to be pushing for a commitment. All you say about her is “hot,” “we smash,” and “a good physical connection.” Um…why should she commit to that? You let your daughter meet someone you have a good mental/emotional connection with, not someone who gives reliable hot sex.
Honestly, I don’t know what the cultural norm is where you live, but she is probably way too old to want anything serious with you. She likely also doesn’t want some 25 year old playing dad to her 7 year old. Has she introduced you to any friends or family? I’m guessing no, and Im guessing she would never want to tell friends and family that her new boyfriend is a 25 year old “kid.”
Also, to be blunt, even though woke Reddit will hate this, she’s 35… In 5 years she will be 40 and you will be 30. Her level of attractiveness is most likely about to fall off a cliff, if it hasn’t already. She’ll be in menopause while you are like 33. I guess go for it, but it’s the opposite of the life id choose.
Have you met her friend group? That seems like a more logical first step as far as meeting people in her world. Lower stakes.
She’s not interested in you.
She may be interested in your sperm and child support. Keep those little buggers to yourself, and don’t rely on HER birth control at all!!
You are too young for her. You’re in different stages of your life.
I hope my comment doesn’t come off as mean. But as someone who has had unfortunately a lot of experiences being led on or love interests not wanting to provide me clarity yet wish to be intimate – this feels like that. Eight months is a really long time to have someone hooking up with you and then lashing out when you ask the what are we question. I understand and hold space for single parents rightfully keeping their children out of their dating life and that struggle in relationships. That being said, she has not had a struggle with fucking and hooking up with you for eight months.
I think you should readjust your expectations as she has only been seemingly interested in sex. Don’t try to force it nor over explain yourself nor try to make things work. Respect her expressing she doesn’t want a relationship (or the lack of clarity). Hope you find your person soon!
Have to update as the more I sit with it, the same I would tell a girl who would be your age, I’d like to put it out there to be careful. Just as there are older men that wish to string along girls, older women are just as likely to do that guys. Don’t allow this to cloud your judgement or interfere with your future. I hope you know if it doesn’t work out with her – you are still likely to find your person. Don’t allow yourself to tunnel vision or let this throw you off balance. Ik ik others don’t see it as serious when it comes to men, but I thought about my brother who will be around your age being in the situation, and I would tell him to get out of the situation of trying to chase an older woman to be in a relationship after so much time OR reel in your expectations and just remain within the box a situationship of sorts.
If you meet the daughter you can get attached to her too. Find someone else, she is too old for you.
At 35 and divorced with a kid this is probably exactly what she wants… escapism, fun dates, hot sex. Lots of us who divorced in our 30’s did this. It’s easy breezy and doesn’t interfere with professional or parenting lives, but offers connection, attention, and intimacy. Men talk like there’s a wall, but from my friend group’s experience it’s hella easy to casually date men 10 years younger.
She should be honest with you, but maybe she’s having trouble being honest with herself. It’s a large age/understanding gap between you, and it’s likely she doesn’t want to rush into commitment after a divorce IF EVER.
It’s also not unusual to not have met her kid at the pace you’re dating. Once a week or every other is very casual… you aren’t on track to like move in or share lives at that pace. And if you want more, the conversation has to be had. If she doesn’t however, the ball is in your court.
It’s okay to have nice, fulfilling, fun relationships that last for a year or two and are just that. But if you’re looking for marriage she’s not the one.