I 24(M) don’t really know how to start this so sorry if it gets wordy.
I don’t know how to stop lying. I’ve been making a conscious effort to not do it for about 8 years now but a lot of the time I don’t even realise I’m lying till I’ve stopped talking and actually think about what I’ve just said and even when I do think about it before I speak I still sometimes lie. It’s like I’m addicted to it.
I’ve only ever tried admitting this to one person in my life and that was my first girlfriend who I dated for 2 years from 16-18 yo. I told her when we were a year into the relationship and straight up said I’m a compulsive liar and she didn’t take it well. She questioned the validity of our relationship and wanted to know all the lies I told and I told her there were so many I didn’t know how to tell her and told her to ask me what she wanted to know what was lies or not. She blew up and the conversation ended up just being me reassuring her that it wasnt a serious issue and that I never lied about my feelings towards her just stupid little things. We broke up a year later due to other things.
The next relationship I had was literally built on lies. So many things I told this girl about how I felt about her or why I liked her wasn’t true and things about my life also. The biggest one being that I broke up with my previous girlfriend because I had strong feelings towards her and I didn’t feel right dating my ex if I had these feelings. I don’t know why I said this maybe I thought it would make her like me more idk. In the end there was a night we were going to have sex for the first time and I couldn’t bring myself to do it as she was a virgin and it meant a lot to her that she lost it to someone special and I felt way to guilty taking that from her knowing this relationship was built on lies and I ended things that night with her. I never told her the true reason just said that I was a bad person and I would end up hurting her and I didn’t want to do that to her even tho I hurt her by doing that ffs.
The next 2 relationships weren’t built of lies like the previous ones but I never let them go to something serious because of all the lies I’ve told in the past to family and friends. The problem with this is that I was actually very honest in these 2 relationships but if it were to go serious and any of these lies were to come up in conversation with my family, friends and these girls then there would be big inconsistency’s in what I’ve told them and well you can image were that would’ve gone.
I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this. I feel like a horrible person and feel like I should admit this issue to the people close to me but I can never do it and there are so many lies I’ve told over the years I don’t even know what’s true or not sometimes. I guess I’d like to hear peoples opinions and get some of this of my chest.
Thanks for reading this far.
Comments
i think looking into therapy might help. its commendable that you are self aware about the issue & trying to right the wrongs, but i think professional help will go a long way to help stop your compulsive lying
My mother was the same and I learnt it from her. I’m no where near as bad now as I have improved by 90% but still find myself exaggerating things.
I’ve done this in the past. During my teen years I lied a lot and I’d have to keep everyone separate so no one would “find me out”.
Then one time I was like “why am I even doing this? Who’s this for? And why do I need to make some kind of “impression” all the damn time? No one cares”. I didn’t like my truth, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
I think it’s all deeply linked to anxiety, as most compulsions are. When I started working on the roots of my anxiety with a therapist I no longer felt the urge to immediately fall into a lie.
Like you, sometimes things would come out of my mouth so fluidly and I’d only really think of them after.
Now, every once in a while I’ll hear myself say something untrue just to be agreeable like “oh yeah I love basketball” and I’ll stop myself and go “actually, no. I really don’t. I don’t know why I just said that. Sorry, I guess it sounded nice” and then I don’t have to pretend to be the lakers biggest fan for the next six years. Bc it’s never one lie is it? To continue the lie you have to compound it with a thousand more. And usually they laugh and get it bc we’ve almost all done it and being candid and honest about it is refreshing for everyone involved.
My advice is, be more careful and speak with intent. You don’t have to say something just to say something. When you slip up, cop to it immediately. And it will all get a lot easier if you can find the cause of the urge to lie and work on that.
It’s ok bro. We all say dumb shit sometimes and suffer the consequences. At least you’re self aware and not lying to yourself on top of it. That would be so much worse.