I am a survivor of FGM

This is hard for me to write. I had blocked out so many memories related to this and I’m slowly processing everything. I know I’ll probably uncover more the longer I’m on this journey.

I’m getting this off my chest- for my sake and to maybe to help others in the dark. All I ask is that you’re kind in your replies. Thank you.

My name is Eshe(25F) and I’m a survivor of FGM, also known as Female Genital Mutilation.

I come from an African family that practices it. I have severe PTSD due to the procedure performed on me at such a young age. I was 9, conscious and under no sedation. In other words, this was done to me without anesthesia. I fought back even through being restrained. Those injuries never healed correctly and the pain specifically from my leg injuries not healing has made walking difficult. (I use mobility aids and am able to get around luckily)

Personally, my anatomy is scarred and damaged to where I can’t feel much pleasure. I have a debilitating fear of surgery and doctors as well. (I am seeing a PCP who I do plan on discussing this with)

Both of these things were just weird fears that I just thought I had but no. I have every reason to be afraid…don’t I?

I’ve felt like some sort of freak for so long. I feel deflowered- something had been stolen from me- my autonomy. My right to inhabit my body and say what medical procedures I can and can’t have performed on me. My autonomy. My femininity- I feel like something disgusting and unwanted, tossed to the side. I fought back but it just wasn’t enough.

My family called it a ceremony. Something to be proud of. I should be honored right? No.

My FGM procedure wasn’t a “coming of age” ceremony to me. The little girl within me died when I went under that knife.

I’ll never forgive my family for this.

I have sent a message to an FGM advocacy organization in my area. I’m just waiting to hear from them next week.

Thank you for listening.