Hello! I decided to post here because I believe older people might have a better grasp on what’s really important and have more wisdom and life experience.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. He’s a decade younger than I am, and we both struggle with mental health, but in different ways. He finally started therapy while I am still struggling to find a therapist because I can’t afford it, and my insurance rejected my application for a private therapist. I do not live in the US.
He’s a good, kind person, and very affectionate. We have fun together, we share a lot, and generally, I feel safe and comfortable in his company and I am attracted to him. We are both very attached to each other, but we have not yet said ‘I love you’.
He’s my first relationship after I’ve been single by choice for more than a decade, and I am his first _real_ relationship. He’s had a few, but nothing like this in terms of closeness and intensity.
He’s very introverted and suffers bad social anxiety. We both have ADHD and then some, but I also have OCD. I like my space clean and tidy, he’s very messy and disorganised. Tale as old as time, I guess.
The main issue I have is the fact that I feel like I am carrying the bulk of the mental load in this relationship. I’m more proactive, I plan dates, cook more for both of us, bring us new things to try food-wise, and suggest new things to do. I’ve also deep-cleaned his place several times while he was away and I was staying at his. I had hoped that he’d maintain the tidiness afterwards, but that didn’t happen. A week after he’s back his place is just like it normally is: clothes not folded and put away, dishes all over the counters, his desk full of cigarette ash and snack wrappers, floors not vacuumed let alone mopped, things left randomly everywhere because he doesn’t put them back where he took them from, bathroom and the toilet bowl not clean etc.
My life is more demanding than his, and I have many stressors and obligations he doesn’t. He also earns significantly more than I do which makes his life considerably easier to handle; he’s not stressed if a trial version of a product expires and he’s charged, he can take a taxi whenever he wants to while I have to cancel important appointments if I can’t afford it in that moment. He also travels more, and is not at all stressed about money. I am in overdraft sixth month in a row now.
We are both stressed with our jobs, but he likes his and the stress is due to the work itself, while I don’t like mine and the stress is mainly due to low pay. I’ve tried changing jobs but it went south and I am currently, due to multiple factors, trapped with the job I have.
He’s never asked me to contribute equally to the things we do, but the problem is, we don’t do many things. I feel bad if I suggest we do something because I know I can’t afford to pay half of it. Few times we went to a fancier place, he covered the costs, but he doesn’t suggest things on his own as he is content with us just hanging out without doing any activities. I understand he’s more of a homebody, and I am too, to an extent, but I still do want us to go out and do fun things together. When we do, he always has fun and says we need to do more of them and finds ways to jokingly depict how he’d cover the costs without making me feel bad about it, but rarely follows through.
Which leads me to the next big issue…he suggests things and then doesn’t follow through.
I started a project in my shared flat (I have a flatmate) and he offered to help. I agreed and was thankful for his suggestion. That was more than a month ago. Last night when I said that we could to so-and-so soon, he said sure, but that I shouldn’t expect him to be able to do that-and-that due to certain physical limitations he has.
Why then offer at all?
Recently, a friend of mine needed financial help and I told him I will help her to which he, unprompted, offered to help her not in addition, but INSTEAD of me. Then, when I told him I sent her the money, he said ‘nice’ and that was it. When I expressed my disappointment about the situation as he was the one who offered in the first place (which I was shocked by), he said he thought I handled it and wasn’t going to push himself into the situation and asked me was he supposed to just transfer me the money to which I said, yes, you were supposed to, if you offered? He said he understands and…he did not transfer anything. Mind you, it was 50 bucks which for him is nothing, and for me it means I will have to budget food. He explained that he wanted to take the burden off of me by doing something for me, and my friend whose work he admires, but in the end, he did not follow through.
I want to make it clear that he is not obligated to help me, and that I rarely ask him for help point blank. When I do, it’s small things like picking something small from the shop, or getting me some stuff I left at his when he’s on his way to mine. But when he offers and I say yes, am I in the wrong to expect that he will actually do it? I feel like I have to be very blunt and explicit, and remind him of things constantly which is another issue…
He forgets things. I remind him of things that are not just for the both of us, but things I believe he should handle on his own like getting the delivery packages or making/cancelling an appointment. I struggle enough with my own appointments and very often I have to miss or cancel them, feeling responsible for his side of things is taking a serious toll on me.
I wish he’d ask me what I need and then he’d just do it. He knows I have health issues because I am constantly tired and exhausted. He offered to book us a spa last year and he never did. When I asked why, he said he suggested it because he thought I wanted it, and I said I do, but then he never booked it.
It would mean so much to me if he just randomly surprised me with a massage voucher. Or ANYTHING that would make my life tangibly easier. We communicate a lot, and he knows how much I struggle. He also knows and acknowledges how much I put into the relationship be it with planning, cleaning, cooking, wearing lingerie and planning nice, sexy evenings or reading about how to make our relationship better, watching countless self-improvement videos etc.
I tried to motivate him to do more physical activities together and we went to the gym exactly once. He’s still paying the subscription because he forgot to cancel, even though I reminded him twice.
He bought a yoga mat and we started doing yoga together. We did it three times. If I don’t suggest it, it’s as if it doesn’t exist.
He improved so many things since we started dating, from cleanliness to communication and sex, expressing his feelings and things are not perfect, but he’s progressed a lot. It just seems that without the push from me, things are not only moving too slow, but some of them regress back to where they were. He never put in much effort into his health, wellbeing or anything really outside of work and a few hobbies that he’s very good at, and he was very depressed when we met. He is also very emotionally supportive and listens to me whenever I need him, for however long I need it.
Am I being unfair for expecting more?
I had to tone down my feedback and criticisms and work on how I express my disappointment because I was too harsh and I took many things very personally, so I am working on pacing myself and lowering my expectations but I can’t help but feel taken for granted sometimes, even though that isn’t what his intentions are.
He says he wants to help me, he has the means, why is he not following through?
I tried communicating many of the things so many times. I find myself thinking that this is how it’s going to be always and it terrifies me. I am also unsure if I am expecting too much from someone so sheltered and unaccustomed to so much exposure to the world. I feel like I am not objective enough and maybe I am not seeing the nuances. Is he selfish? Cheap? Too self-centred? Am I being spoiled?
I am very confused. Advice is welcomed.
Comments
You’re just not compatible. You have higher standards in regards to cleanliness, motivation, energy levels, initiating activities, etc. In other words, he is a slob, lazy, and unmotivated.
This isn’t behavior of a loving partner. If he loved you, he would try. He would initiate. He would appreciate.
He sounds like a weight for you to carry. And someone who puts out your spark. Hard pass, you don’t need a boyfriend like this.
Cleanliness matters to you. It doesn’t to him.
A promise means one thing to you, another to him.
You’re not going to change him. He is who he is. If it’s affecting badly, end it… If it’s just inconsequential stuff, let it go.
Figure out which it is.
You’re doing too much Staaawwwpp. Stop making his appointments , being his cleaner, secretary etc as well as his girlfriend. If you can’t stand the filth. Set up a cleaner to come in twice a week – on his dime. Focus on getting your life to where it needs to be instead of managing his
It takes more than love and fun to make a relationship go the distance. You also need compatability in key areas.
So ask yourself: if he never changes (because he never will, you need to accept that), in 20, 30, 40 years will you have real regrets for staying with him instead of finding someone more compatible?
Only you can answer that.
I was clean. My wife is like your boyfriend. I reluctantly accepted that as the price I had to pay for staying in the relationship. I don’t have regrets. But I live in a mess, because I didn’t have the energy to clean for the both of us plus our kids. I’ve found that I’m no longer clean either, which I don’t like, but again since that’s what gives me access to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, it’s an acceptable trade-off. But I don’t have OCD.
The fact that you’ve already got 5000 words of frustration after just one year and you don’t even live together yet makes it seem like there’s little chance you could be happy living together for decade after decade.
I’m a therapist – sorry you can’t get to therapy yourself, I know it’s expensive.
You have to look at his overall life. The problems of his not cleaning, not following through on things etc can be set aside, since annoying as they are for you, the bigger problem is that his entire life is different from the life you want. For example, he clearly doesn’t want to go out and do fun things as you do, otherwise he’d be doing it. The life he has now is the demonstrably the life he wants. What you have to ask yourself is not how you can change that (you can’t), but whether you want that life too.
Edit: had to take a cake out of the oven (this kind of shoddy therapy is what you get for free on Reddit:)), so I didn’t add: you’re looking at him and seeing who he could be, if he were more motivated, continued with the things you’ve encouraged him to do, etc. You say he’s made a lot of changes that way, so you know change is possible, and it’s that version of him you want. However, it’s clear from him giving up those things as soon as you’re not pushing that the only way he will continue to be that person is from your continued coaching and effort. There’s no option where he suddenly starts doing these things on his own, as his behaviour has made clear. It’s OK to decide he’s worth all that effort on your part and it’s OK to decide to end the relationship instead. What isn’t OK is to waste your life trying to create a partner who will never exist.
You don’t seem very compatible tbh.
In fact your post sounds more like a weary parent moaning about their lazy messy teenager, than a romantic partner.
He needs a mother, not a girlfriend. I know it’s frustrating when he doesn’t follow through. It might partially be the age difference. Young single guys can be pretty self centered. Yes I was once a young single guy. They are also commitment averse. As far as his habits like the dirty flat, If this relationship goes further, you might as well plan on doing the house cleaning. You’ve cleaned it 3 times. He obviously doesn’t care. This is an incompatibility. It’s up to you but don’t plan on changing him. You are definitely putting more into this relationship than he is.
It doesn’t sound like anything is going to change. Sooo….either make your peace with things as is, or end the relationship. What other choice is there.
The cliche that says a relationship should be 50/50 is wrong. It needs to be 100/100.
You’re getting 100/25 here.
Do you really want to settle for that, for the next 50 years?
You say he has improved a lot in the last year. You will always be able to find fault.
You say nothing about what he has says he wants from you. ( but you say you communicate a lot) Is it just about what you want from him?
Is the only solution ‘pushing’ him? Can’t you change and accept things as they are?
Trying to control someone is exhausting, as you have found out.
The secret is to not try and control the person as it will fail in the long run anyway.
Learn to be accepting more, and judging less.
He will never be perfect and neither will you.
Learn to love the little things that make you each unique.
He may be a Stoic. They view life very differently.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3hLZCuh8yM&t=1s
What you see is what they have to give. Period. Adults aren’t projects or diamonds in the rough.
You do need to ask for what you want. If they can’t or won’t give it, that’s your answer about whether you’ll ever have it with them.
Then it’s on you to decide if it’s worth it. That is real adulting. If you don’t respect someone (and seeing them as a project or ‘diamond in the rough’ is a real sign of disrespect, that will wear you both down. Go find someone you respect, and be the person you respect. You learn that lesson and life will be much easier in almost every way.
Yes you are being unfair. His mind does not work like yours. I’ve been married to an AudiAdhd man for nearly 25 years so I’ve got some insight. He needs to be told- then supported until it is done. Don’t talk to him if he’s in any way distracted. Be sure he gets the thing you need to happen done, that includes reminding him. We have a dishwasher. Never once in 24 years has a dish made it in that I didn’t specifically tell him to put in the dishwasher- and it’s not a hill I’m willing to die on. My husband is my best friend. We both put up with a lot as I am physically disabled and have mental health issues too. You need to learn about grace. If you’re not able to give grace then you need to decide if your relationship is worth going through. For me it very much is.
It sounds like you are trying to glue wings onto a fish and are upset that it won’t fly away.
He can be a good person and not a good fit to be your person.
You’re settling. This is not a healthy relationship and has way too many problems to fix. I’d duck out. I’d concentrate on finding a better job and income and get yourself to a better place before getting involved again
it won’t get better. move on.
Let him go. The two of you seem to have too many issues.
It sounds like you want your boyfriend to be a different person than he is. Like, significantly different.
You have excuses for why he is the way he is; you have expectations that he can change, if only he tries. You are even trying to force change on him (ie deep cleaning his place, which, honestly, I would not be doing in your shoes). But, he keeps being himself, as he is right now, and that is disappointing to you. Why not just move on, and use what you’ve learned to screen potential romantic partners a little sooner in the future — it sounds like a significantly messy person would not be a good match for you, ever, and that’s okay.
My parents always told me, on the topic of long-term relationships, “it’s not about finding the perfect person, but finding someone whose weaknesses you can live with.” As a young person I thought that was such unromantic advice. As I’ve gotten older, and found my own partner, I see the wisdom of that guidance. It’s not that my partner doesn’t have weaknesses — it’s that I can live with his weaknesses, and he can live with mine. We’re not trying to fundamentally change each other in order to successfully and happily share a life.
The two of you are simply not compatible. You’re a young woman, and you have to start living your life and find someone who fits within it ,not disrupts it
You sound like his mother. Stop mothering him and put more time and effort into yourself to gain more job skills and get a better job. Stop helping people out-you need the money for yourself.
He is who he is. You have to take him where he is with no changes (we get to ask, they get to say yes or no). If you can’t live with who he is, it’s not a relationship for you.
I’m seeing some really common mistakes….they all involve assuming; assuming he will keep his place tidier after you voluntarily cleaned it up (it was likely a lot of work for you and something he barely noticed). Assuming that if he mentioned he would pay to help your friend, that it was ok for you to jump and lend the money….it was not a nailed down agreement, that I could see and he forgot. You know he forgets. The importance of it in no way helps his memory. If you decide to stay with him you need to figure out how you will deal with this forgetfulness.
You sound like a score keeper (most women I know are/have been) but score keepers fare badly in relationships due to…..resentment.
I think he deserves a conversation explaining how you need a tidier and cleaner environment than he does, and if he offers something you need him to come through, as well as anything else he agrees to, and how does he see that working?
Ask him what he likes and dislikes about your relationship
Then listen
You sound incompatible in many ways. Also why is it still the woman’s role to clean up after the man or be his secretary? If he has not learned to do things for himself by now I doubt he ever will.
I doubt you will ever truly be happy with this man.