My boyfriend (29M) and I (30F) have been together for 11 years. We have 5 and 7 y/o children together.
Of the seven years we have lived together, he has not significantly or consistently contributed financially to the household. I have worked 48 to 60 hour weeks for years to just get by. After years of not working, he got a job where he works about 30 hours a week. He occasionally gives me $2-300 towards bills, but ends up taking my card for spending because he’s used all his money.
He is an addict. His drug of choice is opiates, but that’s never stopped him from other substances. After a year and a half of sobriety, he seemingly out of the blue, began taking Kratom, which, along with weed, is where the entirety of his paycheck goes.
When I am at work, the kids only get fed pizza and chicken nuggets, he does not brush our daughter’s hair, and I have to remind him to brush their teeth every night. Our son recently had a cardiac procedure requiring daily aspirin, which he cannot remember to give him.
The most help I get around the house is the 10 minutes he spends picking up after his 6 hour shift. He then spends the evening under the covers playing on his phone while I’m ensuring the kids are properly bathed while cooking dinner, cleaning, preparing for the next day, etc. If he’s deep in his activity, I will either be ignored or told to shut the fuck up.
I could write a dissertation on all the shit he’s put me through over the course of our relationship, I have loved and tried more than either of us have deserved. If you’ve ever loved an addict, you have an idea.
He has no goals, aspirations, or motivation, other than to simply exist. There’s an excuse for everything and sadly, I am not one for excuses, I have worked my ass off to get to where I am yet so far away from where I could have been without him. My kids and I deserve so much more.
Communication is impossible. For years I have tried to tell him the things that bother me, what needs to change, that I don’t want to be with him, that I want him to leave. It results in him becoming angry and defensive, where he yells, punches the walls, throws things, and will do so in front of the kids. I typically walk on eggshells to keep the peace because I don’t want my children to see these erratic behaviors.
We live states away from our families. I am happy where I am at. I have a great job, amazing friends, I’m in college to further my career. I have learned from the last apartment to not include his name on the lease. I am not leaving. I can’t physically remove him, and I’d rather not get law involved however I know if I keep him around there will be a domestic violence call.
Right now, my plan is that we are going on vacation to our home state, where he will stay at his mom’s house, and I will stay at mine. He doesn’t know it yet, but he is not coming back with me.
This is the part that I really don’t know how I’m going to handle. Do I tell him beforehand that he’s not coming back with us? Do I not tell him until I’m gone? I don’t want him blowing up my phone while I’m driving, or my kids to see or hear much about the situation.
I do have this fear of him hurting himself. He has had overdose attempts with oxycodone, ibuprofen, Tylenol, threats of shooting himself, etc. I feel like I should tell him I’m leaving beforehand simply because I can get professionals to intervene if he starts making threats.
Althought unlikely (due to poor financial decisions and lack of resources) I worry about him, catching a plane and showing up, then what??
I have so much guilt over all of this. My heart breaks for my kids. But I will not spend the next 10 yrs as miserable as the last.
Any insight/ advice/ words of encouragement appreciated 🫶🏼
TL;DR How do I tell my toxic boyfriend/ baby daddy he’s not coming back with us from vacation?