Hi, long time silent lurker here. I am hoping this is the right spot to post this inquiry for advice. I,30F, have a coworker I have fallen for, 30M. Weirdest bit of trivia is our birthdays are one day apart. Beyond that, there are so many reasons I have fallen, hard. From shallowest to heart wrenching: He is very handsome. To me, it’s almost like his skin glows, and I can tell when he is having a bad day because that glow fades. He is active, he seems to do the same activities I do, but I usually keep quiet about my personal life at work. I’ll try my best to connect with him by leaving advise nuggets in case he visits the places he discusses again. I love the way he talks about friends and family; the priority he makes them, in his life. Most especially his younger brother. As someone who has a younger sister, it’s nice to feel connected to someone who understands the elder child role. I love the way he talks about his parents. The car he gives and the love he holds, he shows it effortlessly. I want to be someone he talks about in that way, the be the reason he holds so much love in his heart. I see how happy he can be from those that fulfill him, and I wish I could be lucky enough to be a sliver of a reason for that happiness.
However, where I work, I hold a sort-of position of power. I am not his superior, but in an attempt to keep my anonymity I do hold some position of power and pursuing someone where I work is frowned upon. Though when we talk, we both get so nervous around each other. Sometimes I talk fast and sometimes he talks fast. Other times when we are both calm we can talk for a long time and get caught up in it and we look at the clock only to find out out lunch break is almost over, or we are long past a normal amount of time away from our work. I am the only one he takes his earphones completely out for when he holds a conversation with me, despite my ability to carry my voice. He started wearing more colors I told him he looks great in. I love showing off my cooking masterpieces I bring as lunch, wishing I could be cooking for him. He is a chicken, rice, and vegetable person so my risotto, or cassoulet, or piccata, make his eyes sparkle and I wish I could be the one cooking for him. And dreamiest of all, I think he looks at me when he thinks I’m not looking. Though, is getting to the hopes and dreams of my fantasy.
My request for advice, I need help trying to let this go. I don’t know if he already has a partner. For all I know he could also be gay, and I could be reading the wrong text between us. I also don’t want to cross a boundary, as someone who holds some power where I work. I have, first hand, seen what happens when queues are read wrong, and there is the possibility I am blinded by my own desires. So, I need help or advice on how to let this go, so I don’t cross those boundaries and make his place of employment an unsafe one.
I feel drawn to him. I feel this desire to connect with him any chance I get, though it only ends up being a weekly occurrence. Despite working on my floor, we are both regularly busy. I also am a bit chubby, and he is quite fit. I work out regularly, and am constantly active, but after high school where my free time was taken up with endless sports practices, I, as an adult, have never found the time to keep up that routine and it shows.
So please help me release the dream of a possibility, so I can focus on trying to meet other people. In dating, I have held every date to the standard he holds in my mind, and no man could compare to my idea of him. What would you do to get over something that never started?
Comments
I think you shouldn’t let this feeling go. It’s nice to have someone in life as you described. Just don’t get your hopes up too if things don’t go your way but also don’t lose a chance you get outside your work to hit your shot.
What you have is called limerance. No one, not even him, will compare to that standard. That’s a fantasy. First step is to understand that. Google or Youtube limerance for more details.
Then you need to approach dating more pragmatically. Find someone that is compatible, that you like. Do not expect a replacement, but actually engage with people as they are and see if there’s something about them that you like.
Why would you need to let it go? If the relationship is frowned upon, just keep the private life and professional life separate.
He sounds like a lovely person, you’ll regret forever, if you never made any move.