Hi parents,
My own mom & dad are fantastic and so supportive, but I feel like I’ve become a burden to them emotionally with how much I have been down lately. My partner and I of nearly 3 years split up in early December and it’s just not getting any better.
For context, I live in a country that isn’t where most of my family / friends are. I’ve built up a social network here over the years of good friends, but it’s not the same as “home friends” level of comfort and I have to put a lot more effort into making plans, going out, etc.
I loved my boyfriend to pieces, we’d looked at engagement rings, talked about kids and moving together to my home country. I loved his friends and same for him with mine. We had great chemistry and he was so passionate – except he would have outbursts when he was angry that were so destructive it got harder and harder to recover each time. He punched a hole in our wall, would scream at me, occasionally slam or throw things around, and told me to get out of his car a few times. This would be followed by silent treatment for a few days after each time. He suspects he has BPD, but I begged him to go get help / would be supportive but he didn’t. We tried couples counselling but it wasn’t effective.
People keep telling me breaking up was the right decision because I can’t be with someone acting that way, but I love him so much and am still convinced he’s my life partner even though it’s over and we aren’t in contact at the moment. I had to move out, move cities, stay on a friend’s couch for almost two months then have just moved in with internet strangers – I really don’t like it, and I feel too old to be doing this. My life has disappeared before my eyes.
I’m stuck now. I don’t know whether to quit and move home, I can’t move on emotionally and still dream of him every night, all of my friends are married and having kids and I’m scared I won’t ever have those things now. I feel like I really screwed up not just sticking it out and trying to improve. I just feel so depressed and every day feel like a side character in other people’s lives. (I am in therapy, it’s just not helping me feel better at the moment)
I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for here – maybe just a bit of reassurance or a story from someone who went through something similar xx