This may turn into a lengthy post, I apologise in advance. May contain some triggers?
I am currently not in a good place, everything that could’ve gone wrong in life has. I am lost & need to vent. I have nobody else.
My ex partner ‘J’ whom I was with for 16 years systematically destroyed our relationship through emotional abuse, neglect & physical abuse towards me. I won’t go in to details, I don’t need to relive those moments.
In short, she cost me ‘our’ home, I lost my career I’d worked incredibly hard for & left me homeless, penniless, alone. I’ve practically been ghosted after 16 years. Almost zero contact what so ever.
There’s kids involved. None of which I’ve had any contact with. I can’t bring myself to do so in the current state I’m in. It’s unfair on them to see their Dad this way & I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to have a constant reminder of what she’s taken from me.
I was forced to move over 300 miles away after she had isolated me from all but one family member, my mom. I was recently made aware she had planned this for months, confided in family members to assist her keeping our home & to get me out of her life. There was no discussion with me prior.
I did nothing but love her, genuinely. I am not without my own faults, I am not perfect.
The past 4 months have been incredibly hard. I’ve struggled severely mentally. I still can’t wrap my head around all of this. I feel an overwhelming sense of grief, loss & hopelessness.
I’ve been unable to find work as of yet, I wasn’t functional for 8-10 weeks after on a basic human level however I still tried so it’s not through lack of effort or qualifications. I’ll keep trying, but I don’t have any hope in finding something suitable.
I’m currently being treated for C-PTSD which has somewhat helped although, I’ve somehow developed feelings for my therapist which is making things complicated for me. I feel guilty for having feelings for another woman but, I’m completely aware that this is probably quite a normal thing to experience & most likely isn’t reciprocal.
I’ve been an absolutely mess mentally. Constant incessant thoughts of how the relationship failed, memories, conversations, emotions that came with certain events & It’s broken me. I just don’t understand anything anymore. Every day for the past 4 months my first thought has been of her when I wake up. I just want to forget. Grieving for someone you love while they’re still alive is fucking brutal. Knowing what they did & why is even worse. She’s made me feel worthless, hopeless & I am lost.
The previous fortnight or so things were somewhat looking up. I managed 7 interviews in a week & started to force myself to socialise. It turns out I’m not completely worthless & people do in fact enjoy my company. I’ve found some enjoyment in my hobbies again, all be it slight, but I still can’t shift the feeling of loneliness & it’s just too much.
To go from having a family you adore, a partner you’d do anything for, kids you love, a life you were more than content with – to nothing in the blink of an eye is just… ugh. I don’t even have any words.
Just to top it all off, the one family member (mum) I wasn’t isolated from, has been diagnosed with heart failure. So I’m going to lose her too in the near future.
I feel like I need saving. This is just way way way too much & I have nobody but myself.
I’ve had enough.