I am a 23yo make virgin. I haven’t had my 1st kiss or gone on a date.
My entire life, I’ve been very shy and insecure. I don’t like being too close to other people. I struggle opening up and building relationships irl. I’ve been to therapy many times and they’ve all suggested a bunch of things, from anxiety to even autism or adhd, idrc for a label atp.
I don’t blame the world, society, women, or whatever else for my problems. I am aware kf my issues and my own self-inflicted misery. I really don’t help myself.
Given my inability to form relationships irl, I tried looking for someone online, and I happened to find a woman that I fell in love with. I was instantly struck and I genuinely think she’s love of my life. During this time, I started making plans, I got a job!, I started putting effort in my studies, I saved up money, I planned to do things to be able to be with this woman forever. Unfortunately, due to circumstances out of my control, this relationship came to an abrupt end recently. And this has left me aimless and sad. Tbh, I was scared. I feared that my efforts wouldn’t be enough, I feared that I would fail and, I was worried about how many changes I had planned, what if I wasn’t able to deliver on my promises? It sounds childish, but Ig I am an extremely “late bloomer” lol. Anyway, now that this future I had planned is no longer a possibility, I feel completely lost. People will say that I should do things for myself, that I should improve for my own sake. But that’s just not enough for me. I need a better reason than that. I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to become her ideal and give her the life she always dreamed of. I wanted to try to be a good man. I’ve always felt like an outcast and this girl felt like my home. With her, I had a place where I finally belonged. But now that is gone, and with her, so is my reason to do anything.
It sounds codependent, insecure, unhealthy and whatever else you wanna call it. There’s a lot of things wrong with me. But I felt like I wanted to be better for her.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because, as a consequence of all this, I’ve been thinking, even more than usual, about how I’m 23 and still a complete loser. Some may think that I’m still young and will say “don’t sweat it! You’ve got plenty of time.” And while thay is true, I am in my last year of college, I will enter the workforce and it’s pretty difficult to meet new people as an adult if you don’t frequent typical social settings such as bars or clubs or social outings. Beyond that, I am just tired. I am so fucking lonely all the time. I wonder what the kiss of a woman I love feels like, what a loving hug is like, sleeping next to each other, cooking meals together, caring for each other, etc. I am also horny af, sorry if it’s abrupt, but I fucking am! I want to have sex. I want to try so many things. I constantly think about what I’d like to do and how I’d like to make my partner enjoy herself. I hate pornography and stuff like that, it just makes me feel bad, so I’m just full of frustration.
My point is, I won’t be young forever. I will never be this young again. And even though I never really cared about “missing out” I’m starting to worry I will never experience any of this. I know it’s my fault. I got issues; these aren’t even close to being all of them. I guess I am just trying to vent out my immense frustrations.
Anyway, I’ve written a whole Bible here and I doubt anyone will read it. But I had to put it out there.
Comments
Man at 23 I can tell you. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Let it come to you. I’m 33 and married now. But I was in your shoes
I read your whole bible
Reading through your post, I recognize a lot of the feelings you’re describing. That sense of being “behind” everyone else, the loneliness that feels almost physical at times, and especially that need for external motivation to improve yourself – these are all deeply human experiences.
The relationship you described might have been online, but the emotions were real. Finding someone who made you feel like you belonged is powerful, and losing that connection leaves a genuine void.
Hearing that you started making concrete life improvements during that time (getting a job, focusing on studies) shows something important: you’re capable of positive change when you have a reason that resonates with you. That’s valuable information about yourself.
Right now, you’re in the wasteland between having lost something meaningful and not yet having found a new purpose. That’s an incredibly difficult place to exist.
A few thoughts that might help:
This isn’t just about “you’ll find someone eventually” platitudes. It’s about recognizing that your capacity for love and dedication is evident in how you responded to that relationship. That capacity is still within you, even if the specific focus for it is currently absent.
You don’t need to have everything figured out at 23. But you might need to find some intermediate motivations while building toward the deeper connections you’re seeking. Sometimes we need bridges to carry us between larger purposes.
I get the sense that you’re a huge over-thinker. That your brain is working over time, to put worry on things that are not currently important, or just blatantly out of your control. Firstly, work towards excepting yourself for who you are, because everyone is different, meaning that you’re unique in your own ways. Don’t waste time dwelling on the negatives, the things that you think are flaws, are actually what separates you from the vast majority. Being shy, feeling insecure or being afraid to make strong connections, is something that you can work on. Put you first, work on you, and work through past trauma. Also keep in mind that you are enough reason to keep pushing, put you at the centre of your world so that you can work towards the changes you want to see.
Definitely brother ,Life will give you another chance to meet and marry your love of life ; it seems you sincerely try to make the relationship successful