Throwaway for privacy.
I need to add context.
When I (28f) was 16, I was raped by my high school boyfriend. It took me a while to come to terms with that because I made myself believe that it didn’t happen. Because of this, ignoring it and going on, I had a kind of mental break when I was 20 when I finally started to accept what happened to me.
I went a little wild. I drank a lot, I slept with strangers and there was some drug use. I wasn’t so gone as to not use protection, however obviously it failed because I ended up pregnant right before I turned 21.
I was going to get an abortion. I was not in the right place to have a child, I was a mess. I went to my mom for help, told her I was pregnant and that I was planning to terminate. She asked me to wait a couple days and think about it but that she would support my decision either way.
Well, she didn’t. I told her that I still wanted to abort and she called me a selfish baby killer then proceeded to have her own mental breakdown. She went from screaming at me, tried emotional manipulation to get me to change my mind, threatening to kill my cat to show me what I would do to the baby, self harming, to attempting suicide 9 times in the span of two weeks. She also threatened me with a knife on several occasions and consistently called me horrible names through all of this.
She ended up in a psych ward and while she was there, both her and my dad blamed me for all of it basically saying she wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for me.
When she came home, it was more of the same. It got to the point that I eventually caved and said I would keep the baby. I was scared and I just wanted it all to stop. When I told her I would keep it, it’s like a flip switched and nothing ever happened. She went back to being my mother again and not some psychotic witch.
I’ve never once gotten an apology for her behavior towards me. She’s never once owned up to it. If it is talked about, I’m still blamed for all of it.
I know have a 7 year old daughter. I no longer live with my parents (I moved out as soon as I could) and I limit contact with them as much as possible. I can’t look at my mother anymore without seeing red.
She cannot understand why she’s not allowed to see her granddaughter without supervision.
But now, when I look at my daughter I feel nothing. I don’t feel the emotions that a mother is supposed to feel towards their child. I don’t think she’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me, sometimes I think she’s the worst thing to happen to me. Sometimes all I feel is resentment.
I’m in therapy and have been for a couple years but I don’t know if it will ever help these feelings go away. I have never said a word to my daughter about any of this, even keeping it out of my journals so she doesn’t stumble across it. But everyday, I wish I had stuck to my original plan and not caved to my mother.
EDIT:
First off, I would like to thank those who offered words of support. Thank you for being kind and offering encouragement. A few comments have helped me see things from another perspective (sometimes words from a total stranger are really helpful) and I have booked a double session with my therapist to go over this.
I’d like to address some things I’ve seen in the comments to help clear some things up that I don’t believe were made clear initially.
- I’ve seen a few comments about having my mother take custody of my daughter. That is absolutely not going to happen.
The story I’ve given in this post is one of many that I have of my mother. She is emotionally and physically abusive and I do not want her anywhere near my daughter. The last time they had contact was around last Christmas and I’m working on that being the last time my daughter will ever be around her.
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I do not hate my daughter. I feel resentment, which I understand is focused on the wrong person, and is why both me and my daughter are in therapy and have been for a while. We will likely continue to be in therapy for years.
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My rapist is not the father of my child. I was raped at 16 and gave birth to my daughter at 21. Her biological father is a man I met at a party and we had the unfortunate luck of faulty contraception. He signed his rights away and does not have contact.
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I know there is a very good chance my daughter is picking up on my feelings, if only subconsciously. I am trying my best to make sure that she doesn’t internalize that and she has been in therapy for the past year and a half. She enjoys talking to her therapist and I will keep taking her for as long as she needs/wants.
Whether or not you believe me, I am trying my best. This is not what I wanted in life but I am trying to work with what I have been dealt and make sure my daughter does not suffer for my failings.
Thank you again for those who commented words of support.
Comments
Can I ask why you didn’t arrange for a closed adoption at birth? I can guarantee that your daughter can tell you’re not interested in being her parent, whether she notices or not.
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A trueoffmychest if I have ever seen one, no advice needed. Keeping a person that wielded a knife, threatened and emotionally manipulated you as far away as possible is great. Getting psych help is great. What is done is done. Keeping clean, and doing your best is all you can do. I hope you have asked the therapist the questions about the emotions, and your relationship with your child becomes better. Maybe getting her into a shared interest could help out.
If you don’t love her then why not put her up for adoption? Help find her people who would love to raise her as their own and shower her with love. Every child deserves to be loved. And you deserve to be free and happy.
Well, your daughter definitely senses that you don’t truly love her. And now, there is a good chance she will have a troubled life, just like you. Congratulations, you ruined a child’s life because you weren’t strong enough to overcome your own struggles (yes, everyone has them, a lot of them much worse off than you).
I am so sorry that happened to you. And to your kid.
Like mother like daughter. That poor little girl.
It may be time for a new therapist
Your resentment should be at your mother and not your child. Cut your parents off completely so that the resentment you feel for them doesn’t spill over to your child and find another therapist if there’s been no change / help from them.
Your child is the only innocent person in this, do not punish her for everyones mistakes.
I feel bad for the little girl. None of this is her fault and she’s getting the backlash.
Sending love
Daughter of a mother who didn’t want her: granted, you don’t say it and I’m unsure how you are around your daughter but children sense this. Even if you’re perfect, they notice. My mum is different than you, she would right out say she wished she didn’t have me but my point is I sensed she hated me before her outbursts. She was never like any other mums and when girls at school would talk about their mothers and their relationship, I’d feel left out. I had no idea what it was like to have a mother that loved me like that. And of course seeing them, it was obvious.
Grown woman who doesn’t wanna have children: I know I wouldn’t love them, I know they’d make my life miserable. I know I’d hate them and make them miserable.
You are the in between. You’re a daughter of a mother who didn’t care about you and you’re the mother of a daughter who you didn’t want. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. I’m sorry your mother was/is the way she is. My mum was never diagnosed but I’m sure she’s bipolar cause the ups and downs and screaming and the mood shifting etc. I’m sorry you were raped, I’m sorry your mother failed you and I’m sorry you were forced to have your daughter.
You don’t actually hate your daughter. You hate what she reminds you of cause she was born out of fear and violence and she’s a living reminder everyday. Not everyone is lucky enough to leave a place of painful reminders and start over and you never got that. Your entire life feels like someone forced your existence on you. You were also so young so you barely knew who you were and before figuring it out, you were all of a sudden a mum. And I’m sorry.
I’m a firm believer in 2 things can be true at the same time. Your feelings are valid and you resent your daughter for what she represents. But you can also love her because of what she can become. You can turn this violent chapter into a new beginning and treat her the way you were never treated. And cut off your mother completely. Go no contact. She’s a narcissist and she will never take accountability. As long as she’s in your life, you’ll keep connecting your daughter to her. Cut her off completely. Start fresh with your daughter. And yes, you hate her and I understand. But ask yourself if you actually hate her or if you hate everything around her. I’m glad you’re in therapy but you will never get over these feelings as long you have your mother in life even if you’re low contact. That door is open so I’d start by closing it and starting fresh from scratch. See what your daughter can become and take your time figuring yourself out and who you are.
I see your feelings and they’re valid and it takes a lot of courage to actually admit this. People might think you’re horrible cause parents are supposed to love their kids but human beings aren’t binary so you’re allowed to have your feelings and they’re obviously very reasonable considering everything. But your daughter is an innocent born out of violence. It’s like sunrise after rain. The ground is still wet and you’re still cold but the sun rose and you can still pull up a chair and drink a cup of coffee in the sun.
Good luck. ❤️
OP, I can imagine what you went through. You have been through a lot of trauma. It just sucks because the innocent child is the one suffering. You should cut off contact with your parents for good. Remember, your mother manipulated you into keeping your daughter. Never allow anyone to hold that much power over you. Have you ever thought of giving her to your parents? You obviously care for her somewhat. Otherwise, you would allow your mother to see her without your presence.
You resent your daughter because you caved to your mother. Why did you get an abortion while she was in the psych ward? I feel bad for you, and your daughter, so I’m just asking
Have you considered giving your child to a family unable to have children of their own? This curse could become a blessing for a childless family.
Should have went NC with both of your parents and call them out as failures. You can still give the child up for adoption. Either way send your parents your Reddit post before cutting contact because they deserve to know that they failed as parents. The mother of yours is an utter failure while the father is a failure too
I’m so sorry to hear all that. You were so young and going through so much back then. It is indeed horrible, the position you’re in. Your anger is justified- but on your mother. Unfortunately, your child, even with the impact they might have had on your life- have no direct bearing on it.
I too get angry about an incident that I realized was SA years later. It’s good that you’re taking therapy. People are shitty and it’s unfair to be bearing with THEIR consequences.
I wish you could be comforted with a hug or some free babysitting. You can still have some 28F fun around. Take a deep breath and get out – it isn’t the end of the world 😉
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Y’all please don’t hate me for asking, but is there a way to surrender a child to the state? I wouldn’t advise that as it can be worse for the child but if you’re struggling, it may get worse as she gets older.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s a great example as to why when you decide to do what ever it is you want to do (keep it or terminate) never tell anyone until you’re all done or never honestly cuz it’s nobody’s business. I hope someone reading your story learns this as to save themselves the pain you went and are going through
People in this comment section need to process their mommy issues instead of ripping into someone already struggling
Your daughter knows and feels your resentment even if your think you can hide it she feels it.
Thus you will raise a child with similar crazy as your mother.
So if you can please change this inevitable outcome. Stop the cycle , your child needs true love and a family.
I’m sorry for asking so bluntly but why don’t you terminate your parental rights to the states?
I’m so sorry OP
It is a common lie to think you always feel like your child is the greatest thing that ever happened to you.
Many women have a hard time connection emotionally especially when they have unresolved mental health issue.
What you are experiencing is common. It’s normal given what you’ve been through. 9 attempts in 2 weeks…
Here is my advice :
Cut all contact with your mother. Do not just go low contact. That woman wanted to kill you, wanted to torture you emotionally by killing your cat. She is unhinged and has never gotten help for it. She is dangerous for you. Really.
Even if she does think abortion is murder, she’d rather have killed you than let you kill someone. Really? I mean, i don’t have kids, but i would kill for my mother, i would kill for my pets if someone was threatening their well-being. Having a baby was threatening your well-being, yet she would rather you have died than not have the baby. Can you imagine if you’d had a miscarriage??
You need a new therapist. There is a very clear parallel between your relationship with your mother and your relationship with your daughter. You are reproducing the cycle. She blamed you for something that was not your fault. You are blaming her for something that isn’t hers. By doing that, you normalize what you’ve been through so it is easier to bear. Once again, very common psychological dynamic, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. But the way you feel about your daughter has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with your mom. Except now you are the mom and she is you. And you went through such fcked up sht that in order to not hate your own guts, you’ve numbed your own feelings toward yourself. And therefore are projecting this on her.
You can try to know your daughter for the things that make her her, a whole person of her own, and not just a continuation of you. and once you cut off your toxic and abusive parents, it will also become easier to not resent her as much.
I am sure she is a great little girl. But you don’t just lack a mother’s love, you don’t even love her as a nice kid you spend a lot of time with. This means this is much more than just a motherly bond that you would not be capable of creating.
To sum it all up, consider your parents dead. They do not deserve to breathe, yet they still are. But they stopped deserving any love from you long ago. They will never apologize or anything. Narcissists never do. You will always be their toy to abuse and break. You have to learn to give yourself the love they decided not to give you. And with that will come the love you carry for your daughter. Right now, the way you’ve been taught love is so fcked up you can’t feel it
It’s ok. The important thing is you’re in therapy and so is she. You can both heal from this, I think.
It’s not her you resent, but the circumstances around her birth. Think of her as a person that will grow up someday to be a human you’d want to be friends with. She is an innocent in all this.
Did you think about doing any hypnotization therapy? I believe it’s when they take you back and walk you through it in a way that you are able to find the pieces of your soul that you lost and it’s supposed to really help. I didn’t end up doing it, I coped with my writing, but my therapist did offer it to me. I also had a mental breakdown after I was raped, and partied too hard and slept around. Talking about what happened helped me heal, and I was able to feel emotions again and not push them away from me.
Anyway I don’t have any other advice really, except your mom sounds super toxic and I think you should cut her off completely. 💕
I’m not a professional. I just wanted to say you’re doing great, you’re getting help. I understand the confusion of not feeling anything toward your daughter. But perhaps on a human level, is it possible to see her as someone you don’t want to end up going through the same hurt that you were put through? Is it possible that you can see her and make the choice, the active choice, to not do to her what your mother did to you as far as not having a solid mother figure to connect to..
Is it possible you can make the active choice to love her so that she doesn’t end up seeking love from other places that intend to harm her as you were harmed..
Just as a human taking care of another human.
You’re keeping her away from someone who did you harm., you’re keeping her safe, you’re sending her to therapy. You’re doing everything a good mother does for their child.
Can I ask, how would you feel if your girl no longer existed?
It’s okay, when your parents are old and need help, you can tell them to go fuck themselves
Poor child. This world sucks. Imagine having a parent that doesnt love you. I know it happens a lot, but still sucks
Your poor daughter. Like let’s be real, you were 21 not 12 or 15. You made that grown up decision to have that child, not your mom. Regardless of the craziness your mom had going on, at 21 you know as an adult you’re responsible for that child. How sad that you could look at another human, especially one that didn’t ask to be here, and carry them, and see their growth and little moments, take care of them, and not love them? How could you experience all of those moments and not have a glimpse of love? Sounds impossible. You can not feel like you’re the best mom or your life could be different, but theirs a difference in being upset about that and not loving your child.
I commend you for still pushing thru and doing the best you can for yourself and your daughter. That takes a lot of maturity and strength. Good job OP
Love the idea of shared hobby. Another idea is cooking dinner together (if not already). She can pick a recipe she wants etc
After reading the other comments you made I deleted mine because I think I didn’t correctly interpret what you feel.
You say that you don’t love your daughter, but that even in the face of the immense trauma you have, you still put her first, show interest in her and her activities, worry about her mental health and try your best to be kind to her. And from what I read from the comments you do this out of genuine concern for your daughter and not out of an inherent sense of duty. Look, if this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
I think you should be more tender with yourself about your bad feelings and your struggle in the bittersweet relationship with your daughter. You are clearly a good mother and it’s okay to wish the situation was different and your motherhood was different.
I wish you only the best and that your situation improves.
This is why we do what is best for ourselves and not for abusive parents. Your mom is a nut job
This was a brave thing for you to post, and I commend you. Tough truths that you struggle to tell anyone else is exactly what this forum is for. I would gently ask that you consider a difference between “love” the feeling and “love” the act. What you do to show love matters much more than how you’re feeling without action. You show affection, play with your daughter, provide for all her needs, and take her to therapy. You are doing everything that a good mother, in fact, does.
There is an entire subreddit called regretfulparents on here so do not believe for a second that you are alone or unnatural. There are so, so many parents who are performatively loving, who will tell everyone how much they love their children while neglecting their basic physical needs. You are miles and miles above that. There are so, so many parents who physically abuse the children they claim to love, like mine did. You are miles and miles above that.
You may not feel the automatic connection that some do, but you are a loving mother in action, and that is the most important thing. Keep working on yourself in therapy and keep trying with your daughter. That is true love.
Whatever you do in your life, just remember she is not at fault for anything here and is not deserving of any resentment whatsoever for being a child. You have been through a lot and it is good that you are seeking therapy. But please have the welfare of the child at heart. If after receiving therapy, you feel that you can’t take good care of your child or that the resentment won’t subside, then please put her up for adoption. She deserves a happy childhood.
I’m glad you’re being honest about your feelings. It’s not your daughters fault that she was brought into this world nor is it her fault that your mother had a mental breakdown. Choices were made and unfortunately none of them were hers. I hope therapy helps you both and you can move forward in a loving supportive way. Break your mothers cycle.
In a flash your daughter will be facing the world as an adult: you need to pat yourself on the back for getting her half way there without mental trauma.
When my children played me up i would make sure they were safe and leave them to calm down and then just chat their issues through with them, sometimes i wish my parents had done this with me. I may have loved them more.
Love has a meaning that is different to each one of us. Remember you must love yourself first sister … keep being a good mum. Well done.
If this was my experience, personally, I would not want my daughter to have any relationship with her grandmother out of concern she’d pull this shit on her when she’s a teen/young adult/adult.
That’s not a safe person for your daughter. She’s willing to hurt herself and PHYSICALLY threaten her supposed loved ones for her own benefit. I’d be terrified of that kind of influence hurting my kid. I understand contact is limited now, but even limited contact can give her an opening.
I’m so sorry your right to choose was manipulated away from you. And I’m so sorry that you feel the way you do now. Given your story, there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel and it’s not surprising either. I really hope therapy is helping you and I send lots of love and light your way❤️
It’s not that you don’t love you child. Sure you might not love your child like the moms you hear about or watch on TV but In some sense you love your child or else if u didn’t have her around or she was never born like u said u would be upset.so don’t put ur self down like you are you are trying your best with what you have. Cheer up and give her what ya can and strive for better that’s all you can do.
I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I’m happy to read many positive replies. I want to chime in to say that I hope you know that you don’t have to feel all of the warm fuzzy feelings most associated with motherhood in order to be a good mother. You are enough just as you are.
The fact that you are in therapy and have your daughter in therapy are excellent signs. The fact that you keep this resentment away from your daughter’s sight shows that you protect her, even from yourself. You show up for her in her by watching her rock climb. You protect her by keeping her away from your mother.
By everything you’ve written here, you show up and you do the work. I hope you give yourself credit for that.
Please take care of your daughter, she is not responsible for your mother’s decision or yours, so she is not at fault. Make sure she grows up being a healthy lady please. And give her a better mother than the one you had yourself. She will thank you when she grows up
Your pain is real, and your story is heartbreaking and courageous. What happened to you was not your fault, not the rape, not your mother’s abusive behavior, not the pregnancy, and not the fallout. You were retraumatized in the most vulnerable moment of your life by the person who was supposed to protect you, and you were forced into a role you weren’t ready for through cruelty and manipulation. The feelings you’re having now make sense in light of that. You are not a monster for feeling resentment. You’re a human being who survived something unimaginable and is still trying to heal. The fact that you’ve stayed in therapy, shielded your daughter from the truth, and keep showing up despite the emotional weight says more about your strength than you probably realize. I hope you give yourself the same compassion you’d offer anyone else in your shoes. You deserve peace, and I truly hope you find it.
i just want to point out that to love is an action, not a feeling. from my viewpoint, you are doing everything that a parent who loves their child would do—you care for her basic needs, show her affection, spend time with her, have her going to a therapist. . for all intents and purposes, your actions demonstrate that you love her. you just don’t have the feeling that you do.
that’s okay. our feelings are not always the truth. how many parents feel that they love their children, but consistently act to the contrary? your mother seems a prime example.
don’t beat yourself up over your emotions or lack thereof regarding your daughter.
Have your mom sdopt your daughter.
Even if you dont say anything to her and keep it out of your journal, she can probably tell how you feel ☹️
Is it because she reminds you of the bio dad?
Keep up on the therapy. Work on yourself as much as you can. Journaling and mindset work.
I have two kids and while it’s not your exact situation. They are autistic, I felt depressed and robbed of the normal parenting experience. I felt much of what you state. It took a lot of self work to conquer the negative feelings. I do hope you find a way to overcome. It will require much work.
Keep hugging your daughter, keep pretending for her sake. Good luck.
The line > keeping it out of my journals
hit a nerve. Thank you for doing everything you can to keep her from it.
And, I hope you find a way to connect with her, honestly & authentically. Because that visceral felt sense of rejection will be part of her bones.
No notes honestly. Reading your comments, you seem self aware enough. I think that you haven’t experienced maternal love before because you’ve never seen it or received it.
Just keep doing what you’re doing and I hope one day it all works out.
So, totally a different situation but I hope this gives you hope. My mom was adopted and didn’t have parents, she didn’t learn to be affectionate with children and was not affectionate towards me or my brother very often. She really didn’t have much interest in us as kids. When my parents divorced she left us with dad, dad sucked, she got custody. Now in my mom’s case she is a very introverted artist, but she is kind, just awkward around kids. Now as adults, I see all the things my mom DID do for us, she may not have been very loving in the cuddly sense, but looking back she still did an amazing job being a parent, getting custody, taking us to appointments, getting us through school, making holidays special, protecting us from her own ex husbands…and if anything, it makes me feel so much more loved, knowing that she DID in fact, show us a mothers love, by raising us despite her not quite knowing how to. Now that her kids are adults, she is still very much in touch and loves to spend time with us. I wouldn’t wish for my mom to be any different. I’m proud of her. I think you’re going the right direction, and it may be hard now but I have faith in you.
And if your daughter does question you as she gets older, telling the truth may not be a terrible thing to do, my mom always said she wasn’t ready for us but that it was okay because we were so special to her, and she always told us “I’m sorry if I’m not the best mom, I didn’t have one and even if I don’t do a great job showing it, just know I love you and I will always love you.”
I think her honesty towards us helped me understand her better and helped her come to terms with herself as a mom, cause as kids, we didn’t care. we thought she was the best mom cause she was our mom. And that’s still true to me to this day.
Your daughter is at a good age to start making some core memories and personality development, so the fact she’s into rock climbing and you’re there supporting her is very important!
Definitely introduce her to some things you enjoy a lot, like certain hobbies, films, TV series, books, songs, etc. I know when I was around 8 that my mother showed me quite a few films I’ve loved since, and I’m now a big fan of cinema the same way she is
Not much to say other than i went through a similiar situation. Except my family never went back to being normal. They instead became junkies and ruined my record with multiple arrests trying to smear me and teach me a lesson. Cops never believed me and so I ended up on the street and moved in with someone i thought was a friend who has now been keeping me under lock and key for years. Everyday i cant believe the situation i am forced to be in. I cant wait until theyre old enough for me to finally be free and feel again. But at the same time, I’m so far behind and getting older and i just dont have any kind of zest or hope for life. Ive tried therapy and meds but to no avail. I cant imagine anything that could take our pain away. Keep on keeping on. Maybe someday it will get better for us.
Truthfully, even if your emotions don’t change through therapy, you still have some sort of love for your daughter. I do believe if you succeed by going absolutely no contact with your parents, it will relieve a lot of stress overtime.
My mother is the one who wanted a child, being only me, my father on the other hand not so much. He’s a full blown psychopath narcissist, rudest fucker if you get to know him past the emotional masking he does. My mother and I get a lot of hate from him, and I’m finally seeking therapy for years of emotional/verbal abuse & neglect at the age of 24-years-old. One day I want kids, but I don’t want them to get hurt from the explosive emotions & trauma that has affected me, but I do know never to treat them the same way I was.
I hope therapy helps OP, and everyone here has different experiences but similar, follow your heart & advice from a licensed specialist, and take the hate here with a grain of salt.
I’m glad you have cut contact with your parents and not allowed them to be in your daughter’s life. The idea that they would blame you for her behavior is unconscionable. Also that she would attempt suicide so many times in short succession that must have been terrifying and I would never trust her to be around my child considering how unpredictable her behavior was and it would lead me to honestly question everything. Like was she truly psychotic or was this all a ruse to manipulate you? Either way, manipulation or true mental illness it’s enough to just draw that line and protect yourself and your daughter from that kind on insanity. Also I think you’re being a little hard on yourself. It sounds like despite making a decision to have her even though that was not what you wanted, you sound like you are doing a pretty good job all things considered. You’re getting you and her therapy and you’re supporting her doing something that she enjoys doing even though it’s not your thing. I also see I that you care enough to not write it down so she doesn’t accidentally find it so to me, you are showing that you care about her feelings and want her to be happy. Being a parent is hard and it’s a huge sacrifice. I can only imagine if I wasn’t ready and felt forced into it, resentment is a pretty natural reaction to that situation. Hang in there you are kind of in the sweet spot of child rearing, the hardest part is already over. The teenage years are tough too but in another 10 years she’ll be getting ready for college and you will still be in your 30s!
Hey, you’ll be fine but it is what it is. At the end of the day, she’s still your daughter , all you can do is make sure she doesn’t turn out worse than you did, support and guide her so she makes the right decisions and knows she has a strong support base.
You resent her because you didn’t have her in the most ideal way you thought and you didn’t think being a mom would be this way but hey, those are the cards you’re dealt – what are you gonna do ? Parenting is hugely about having your kids do better than you did so just create the environment , emotionally and otherwise, for your daughter to turn out better than you did so you don’t have a broken relationship with her when she’s grown and an adult. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want a similar scenario with you and your mom to reoccur in your daughter’s life… it would then become a generational problem. Please let go of every negative memory and self-loathing feeling attached to the resentment of your child because the child is blameless – the resentment you feel is only a reflection of how you feel about the choices you made. Lead with love <3.
That’s really hard, and I’m sorry you had to go through all that shit. You were right to want to terminate—but since that didn’t happen, your child doesn’t know any of that. She doesn’t know about your pain, or that she wasn’t “meant” to be here. But she is here now. And it’s your responsibility to make sure she grows up feeling loved and supported—and that you don’t repeat the same harm your mother caused you.
I know it’s not easy. This is the hand you were dealt—by fate, by choice, by chance. But now you have the chance to make the best of it. Raise your daughter to be a kind, healthy person, and please take care of yourself too. Your mental health matters, as I’m sure you already know. One of the most important things you can do is make sure she doesn’t grow up to be a hurt, lonely adult. You want her to have a good life—and you deserve peace in yours too.
It would have been better if you adopted your daughter out after she was born. That way she wouldn’t spend the first 7 years of her life with someone who feels nothing for her.
But all you can do now is keep working on it. Let your therapist know how afraid you are of hurting your daughter, and how you feel bad for your feelings being how they are.
Im afraid that, in seven more years, your daughter will break down and ask why you hate her. Im afraid you’ll have another kid, this time planned, and shower them with love and affection while leaving your daughter in the dirt. You were given a crappy hand in life, but so was your child.
I have a lil brother about the same age. My mom had pre and postpartum depression and never formed a bond. She can’t do anything about it, that’s just how it is. Everyone in the fam got therapy and she’s slowly starting to love him in another way. Not like this is my child, but a child that deserves care too.
While my mother can’t be blamed, my lil bro does have issues too because of the bond that lacks (paired with other stuff). He has and needs extra support because of that.
Perhaps it’s better for you to not think “this is my daughter” but rather “this is a child that depends on me” ?
Why would someone suggest giving your mom custody after reading your story? That’s crazy!
Hey there. First of all, I know words are completely inadequate, but I am genuinely so sorry that you went through these traumatic experiences. To not only be 🍇 but then to have that compounded by your mother’s…behavior and manipulation. None of that was remotely okay.
I’m sure you’re aware but in case you’re not, the way you’ve coped, by trying to exert some control and having multiple sexual partners and tuning out isn’t at all an uncommon response.
It sounds like as a result of the traumas you’ve sort of checked out emotionally or numbed yourself with your daughter.
I know you’ve said that you wish you had been able to abort, and I’m sorry that you weren’t able to have that bodily autonomy.
I’m assuming you’ve discussed all of this with your therapist? If you haven’t been explicit about it, I’d recommend having them read this post if you’re comfortable.
See what they think.
But back to the point…you wish you had aborted your daughter. Unfortunately for you, that didn’t happen. (And this may sound blunt and I apologize but…) You can’t go back. You can’t undo any of it and that is so unfair but all you have now is the present. This moment. That’s it. What’s happened can’t be changed and the future isn’t guaranteed so how do you live right now and avoid damaging your daughter? How do you love her and support her?
How can you show up for her?
That’s a question to ask yourself.
I know you’re doing your very best. Keep going. Keep trying.
But also, how are you showing up for yourself? And giving yourself grace and kindness? What does your self care routine look like?
Do you co-parent with anyone? Do you get much alone time?
Abortion is horrific and inflicts violence on the most vulnerable and innocent. No wonder your mom was freaking out. She knows that’s terrible.
Sounds to me like you love her though
We don’t talk enough about maternal ambivalence.
You sound like a great person, I Hope you and your daughter Will be great Friends when She Will be grown up. All the best
I am soo sorry what you’ve gone through and accepting the thoughts you have, writing them down here is an important step.
It is worthwhile for you to look into the possibility of paradox. Whilst you have this past and this heavy burden there meanwhile may be little glances of joy and free togetherness with your daughter. Both can exist, they do not annihilate each other
Poor you and poor girl.
“I was raped so I slept with lots of strangers and got pregnant, now I hate my child” lmao why are they like this