I’m unsure of what to do and lately things have been ticking me off and have me worried about our sons wellbeing whenever MIL watches him and my husband just says “she’s been a mother a lot longer than you, I think she knows what she’s doing. You need to stop attacking her.”
Why I’m concerned:
The past couple of times we’ve gone out for a date in the evening, we come home to our son not having been fed dinner and she only fed him Cheeto puffs. I ask why no dinner and it’s met with “I forgot or didn’t know what to feed him.” OKAY… like we have a fridge full of food, what do you mean you didn’t know what to feed him?
Next, she will never change his diaper unless he poops, so if we’re gone for 4-5 hours his diaper is almost always saggy and even wets through his clothes.
Finally, the last straw, I nearly lost my shit when I saw how she buckled my son into his car seat recently (she came back with him from the store and I was helping getting him out and his straps were so loose and down to his crotch). She knew how to buckle him in when he was an infant but now all of a sudden it’s just “too much” and “too hard” to buckle him in properly because “he moves too much!” I haven’t let her drive him around since then because that answer pissed me right off and I fear for my son’s safety in the hands of this woman.
Anyway, that’s all. I feel crazy for ranting about this because everyone is so damn dismissive and telling me I’m the one overreacting here…
Edit to add: I haven’t used her to babysit since the car seat fiasco, but my husband still wants to use her for babysitting and I’ve been putting my foot down*** We have nobody else willing to babysit and that’s perfectly fine with me knowing my boy is safe and taken care of with ME.
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Maybe stop using her a a babysitter and just be present when she had him. You have stated that she drove unsafe, didn’t feed him and allows him to sit in his waste. You sound like the problem at this point.
You aren’t overreacting. It was a long time since was a mother to an infant. Stuff changes. And she’s clearly not up to the job.
Stop letting her babysit. I know that seems easy to say, but I had to do something similar. I canceled an event w my DH once bc I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her w my LO or alone in my home after the last disaster of a babysitting experience. I simply told him I just couldn’t enjoy myself, knowing I’d be worrying about the baby the whole time. If the only way he gets you out of the house w/o LO is to agree to leave LO w a trusted adult, he may come around.
Just to give some context, she called us each a dozen times while we were on a boat, so bad reception and can’t leave to come home and proceeded to worry us about a slight temperature (LO was sick w a cold. We left medicine and instructions). Tried to take LO to the ER bc LO “looked yellow” (LO didn’t, just mixed race). Let my cat bring in a “dead” bird. Bird wasn’t dead, took flight around my home, dropping poop and feathers everywhere. Eventually, the bird was caught by cat/dog. Eaten in house by dog. And then dog proceeded to throw up bird all over house. And didn’t even try to clean it up.
The car seat incident would be a “one strike, you’re out” offense for me.
You are under reacting. This woman should only be around your son with your supervision and I would really have a talk with your husband about boundaries and he needs to be on the same page as you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
>my husband just says “she’s been a mother a lot longer than you, I think she knows what she’s doing. You need to stop attacking her.”
This isn’t an attack though. She’s in a position of trust and is expected to care for your child in a way you expect. She may have been a mother longer, but she’s not a mother to your child. You have a legal obligation to ensure your child’s safety and if she’s unable to handle safety standards, she shouldn’t be watching children.
But also, even the best parents in the world sometimes start to deteriorate in their judgement. It doesn’t mean they were never a good mom, it means they aren’t providing suitable care now.
It’s not overreacting, your child needs to be fed, he needs his diaper changed and his car seat straps adequately secured. These aren’t negotiable, it’s not an attack, it’s an observation that she’s struggling. If she feels attacked, it might be an indication that she knows there’s a problem.
You do have a much bigger SO problem if that’s the crap he’s trying to give you and trying to push.
Maybe throw things back in his face that times have changed and she hasn’t been a mother to young kids in however many years. She can’t even feed him right, let alone take his car seat seriously, which could hurt your child.
Holy shit! Your MIL is a moron, but your husband? Seriously. WTF is wrong with him?!!
Edit: typo
> she’s been a mother a lot longer than you
yikes.
also not an argument. sucking for a long time doesn’t grant her any authority
Is she acting like this in other areas of her life. Or just with your child. I’d be a little concerned about dementia starting.
If it was just the dinner issue I’d say you were overreacting because a) if MIL isn’t regular childcare it isn’t going to matter much if your kid eats junk food for dinner once in a blue moon while you’re on a date night and b) you and DH could easily solve the issue by prepping your kid’s meal beforehand and showing MIL where it was.
But the nappy and car seat issues are different. Those are hygiene and safety issues and if someone can’t be relied to keep your kid clean and safe then they are not suitable babysitters and it’s more than a little concerning that your husband thinks MIL should get a pass on this. There you’re not overreacting at all.
Perhaps you can get DH to see your point if you approach it from a place of concern about his mother as well as your son so he doesn’t feel like you’re attacking her. Try something like:
“I understand an elderly person might struggle getting a squirming toddler safety secured in a car seat – I’m not upset about that, I’m upset about her choices after that. She could have asked someone at the store for help, she could have called us but instead she chose to drive home with son unsecured. It wasn’t a safe choice and there were safe options available. I’m worried your mother isn’t ready to accept that her age plays a part in what she can or cannot do. I’m not confident your mother is prepared to accept her own limitations and therefore not confident of leaving son in her care. I’m fine with her spending time with son if one of us is there to supervise but I’m not ok with leaving son alone with her.”
“So you’re willing to compromise our child’s well being and safety because your mother is …. older? You’re accepting that our child shouldn’t be latched in safely, fed or changed when they pee their diaper for hours? You think that as a mother, I’m going to go on a date with you at the expense of our child’s well being?”
This is the way I’ve had to be with my DH to get the point across. He’s prioritizing his mother over his wife and children. Frankly, it’s a selfish, entitled viewpoint that a father shouldn’t have.
You’re not over reacting. You’re doubting yourself and under reacting. Don’t be gaslit that the things listed aren’t an issue.
You are not overreacting. I understand – it is exhausting to try to solve a problem that your husband won’t acknowledge.
One way to approach this would be for husband to describe how he knows whether someone who watches your child “knows what they’re doing.” Can he make a reasonable list, even if it’s short? Would it include changing a diaper every once in a while so that clothes don’t get wet and skin doesn’t get rashy? Would it include using a car seat correctly? If not, it should. And MIL has demonstrated she can’t do those things, so clearly “being a mother” longer has not translated into being able to do what needs to be done.
She’s an idiot. If he really thinks this acceptable care for his kid, he’s also an idiot. Don’t ever doubt your mother instinct. Don’t ever bend your standards just to make these two nimwits feel better. The fact that he’s ok with neglectful care for his child, instead of hurting his Moms feelings, is your biggest issue.
To Husband “Skill has to be demonstrated to earn respect. She has not demonstrated any superior skill to me. That you do not see that, concerns me. I will say what I need to say, when I need to say it. You need to start supporting your wife and the mother of your child, and if you cannot, this is not going to work out long term.”
Your husband is either clueless or in denial. You’re not overreacting, btw. Loose car seat straps can be fatal. Your concerns are legit. Why is he defending her incompetence?
You’re not overreacting. That’s basic neglect, not “different parenting styles.” Your husband’s brushing it off because it’s easier than confronting his mom.