I struggle with OCD and anxiety and just don’t know how to hold any grace or forgiveness for myself. I did some things ( listed on my account but I’m not gonna talk about it here anymore directly) that seem to land in a grey area, but I feel so immensely bad and trying to label myself as the worst case senario and I don’t know why. I’ve tried a lot of therapy, SSRI, ERP, TMS. All failed. I just can’t escape this guilt which a lot of people told me it’s not necessary to this extent. I’ve become my own judge and jury and I’m constantly sentencing myself.
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Hey, I’ve suffered with OCD for most of my life. Many of my own endless bouts would put me on suicide watch because being stuck in a courtroom in your own head will do that to you.
Let me tell you, this is not a confession. It’s a cry for help, and I hear you. OCD thrives off of seeking reassurance, and nobody will tell you what you truly need to hear unless they really understand.
You are not just your past actions, no matter what they may be. You are here, in the present, and torturous thoughts in your head is no way for you to live. I think you might find a lot of comfort in the NOCD app, I promise I’m not promoting or anything, it’s just genuinely been a last resort for me many times.
What’s hurting you isn’t actually your past, it’s the endless cycle of despair and assumption. Intolerance of uncertainty. How people view you, if you are “good” or “bad” etc.
I know exactly how you feel. I really do. Millions struggle with this hellish disorder and millions are able to cope with its side effects and live a life outside of it. I’ve become one of them, and I hope you can too. Much love , hang in there.