Content warning – abuse
Brief background: my husbands father died when he was young, I never met him, my MIL never dated afterwards. My husband is the youngest and me and him (30s) have been together ~5 years. He is amazing in most ways, though he has a lot of really deep anger around his family. His older brother is a garbage bag of a person – I will not post details because they’re too dark for this sub but let’s just say his ex wife, my SIL, has a restraining order against him and he’s on a very special list. Nobody except MIL still speaks to him. SIL and shitbag BIL had kids (she has full custody), me and my husband are child free.
My MIL is A Lot. Shes just had a really difficult life and hasn’t handled it very well. Extremely passive, not a great communicator, prone to constantly being shocked people can’t read her mind and getting upset people aren’t respecting her “boundaries” that she expects them to just sort of intuit. Her favorite thing to do is complain – I have previously silently counted how often she refers to something as “disappointing” during a conversation. She had an incredibly codependent relationship with dirtbag BIL for a long time and constantly make excuses for him. She’s making a lot of progress on that front but there’s still a long ways to go.
Anyway, she adores me. I’m a patient listener, I’ve been empathetic to a lot of what she’s gone through (adult child of alcoholics, getting stuck in the DV cycle, etc), I clearly am a good wife to one of her sons, I’m a pretty family oriented person and she just really loves me. She has a lot of problems with my SIL. And I just am so tired of hearing about them. I always shut them down but it seems like for some reason she doesn’t get I am not “on her team” about this. It’s always “concern” about how SIL is raising her kids and framed as “she just cares so much about her grandkids”. Which I know she does, she loves them, but my SIL is doing an INCREDIBLE job raising them, I am just blown away by how strong she is, and I really really really fucking hate hearing my MILs little “concerns”. Every time they come up I shut them down but I am trying to figure out if there is a way to once and for all to get her to stop. I think subconsciously she blames SIL for my BIL falling apart which is just so insanely not what happened. And she sees SIL raising her kids differently than MIL did and doesn’t like it but I’m like girl look how your kids turned out lol. I mean my husband is amazing but he needed a lot of therapy to get there.
As far as where my husband is at – he has so much anger about his brother and everything that happened that he has trouble discussing this stuff at all without exploding. He wishes I would put up stronger boundaries for myself and gets upset because he thinks I’m letting MIL take advantage of me. Which, maybe. But she’s a 70 year old who went through trauma after trauma and she’s family and if I can provide her some comfort before she dies I’d like to do that.
Are there other golden DILs here who have boundary trouble? It feels a little different than most of the situations here because she truly loves me and has anxiety when she thinks I’m mad at her, and she really tries her best to be respectful and thoughtful, she just is really bad at it.
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Follow your husband’s advice. It’s his mom.
She knows your not on her side with SIL, she just doesn’t care because she’s so emotionally immature.
Your husband has a shitty upbringing, he’s worked on himself. Why are you spending your energy on someone who refuses to do better, only to hurt the person who did (and to whom you have an obligation)?
You’re a saint for putting up with your MIL’s drama, but it’s time to set some boundaries. You can’t fix her, but you can control how you respond. Try saying, “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve got this” or “Let’s focus on [insert topic].” Don’t let her guilt trip you into engaging in BIL/SIL drama. Be firm, yet kind. Your husband’s anger is valid, but it’s not your job to fix his family dynamics. Prioritize your own emotional well-being.
Caveat: I’m not a golden DIL, so I’m not your target audience.
It seems to me the issue you have is that you want to simultaneously…
(1) allow your MIL to discuss what is bothering her so that you can be a comforting sounding board for her
and
(2) not allow your MIL to discuss your SIL when things with your SIL bother MIL because you disagree with MIL’s perspective
You’re trying to accomplish 2 diametrically opposed actions at the same time.
To find a solution, you’re going to have to make a decision…do you institute a boundary with your MIL regarding discussing your SIL or do you let your MIL discuss your SIL knowing you disagree and that it will bother you? You seem to want a middle ground where your MIL “picks up” on your disagreement regarding SIL and either voluntarily drops the subject or changes her perspective, but if it hasn’t happened by know, it probably isn’t going to happen.
The way to get your MIL to stop discussing your SIL is to tell her you’ll no longer listen to her discuss your SIL and then follow through on repercussions if MIL fails to do so. You’re going to have to risk being a “bad DIL” to do this, your MIL might not take it very well. And if MIL fails to follow your boundary, then you’ll need repercussions (like immediately ending the conversation, ending your time with MIL, or even temporary periods of no contact) that you enforce until either MIL changes her behavior or you no longer interact (in nearly the same amount) with her because she refuses to change.
But as long as you allow MIL to disparage SIL in your presence with no repercussions, she’s going to continue doing so because you’ve given her permission to do so by your past actions. If you want that to change, you’re going to have to have a discussion with MIL and then stick to new boundaries until she either changes or you limit/end contact.
Honestly, I don’t think anyone could be a ‘golden’ DIL unless you have no boundaries and are OK losing yourself to be what someone else wants you to be. Not saying that is what the situation is here, but that is the only reason why a JUSTNOMIL would LOVE one of her DIL over the other.
“I saw them recently. They’re doing great!”
Sounds like reassurance, communicates that you have a separate relationship and that you don’t agree. And if she’s really that sensitive to your opinions, tell her it makes you uncomfortable to hear her badmouthing SIL.