My son and dil have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old. They’re were both in the middle of internships/work and school. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but they were happy. I told them I would help with whatever they needed as I own a business and can make my own hours (or no hours). It’s been the highlight of my life babysitting her. We go to the park, library, museums, beach, out to lunch…whatever she wants. My relationship with my son and dil is wonderful and they thank me all the time. They only live a few minutes from me so one or both will often have dinner with us then take the baby home or sometimes she’s here overnight. They enrolled her in preschool and I pick her up most days and then we go about our day. The bond I have with her is amazing and running around after her is keeping me young so our arrangement works for everyone involved.
I have another dil who has a baby as well. Although I love both my daughters in law this one is way different than my other one. She’s very scheduled with everything in her life whereas me and other dil are more go with the flow types. This dil and my son’s baby is almost a year old and work opposite shifts so one of them is always with their baby. They haven’t asked or allowed anyone to babysit, including her mom and dad. I’m fine with it, I believe your kids your rules philosophy. The issue is she got offered a promotion but she would be working same shift as my son. She asked me if I would babysit 4 days a week from approx 8-5. It’s not that I don’t want to, I love my granddaughter but there are many rules…too many for me. First one is only cloth diapers. I don’t feel like rinsing dirty diapers out. Next, she won’t allow me to drive with the baby. They means 4 days a week I’m literally stuck in the house all day and besides that I have to pick up my other granddaughter from school which would obviously be impossible. Next she told me I cant bring the baby in our pool either, only when either my son or her is there. Also the baby cant see you eating anything she can’t have. So you want a turkey sandwich? Eat it when the baby’s napping or go in another room…really. She asked her mom to babysit originally and she said “absolutely not, you’re nuts with all these rules.”
I told her I would love to help her out but I literally couldn’t because of the driving part. She said well you watched (other granddaughter) for over 3 years, tell them to make other arrangements at this point. The thing is I love how things are with my eldest granddaughter. We’re out all day doing stuff and enjoying life. Even when my kids were small I never sat home all day, I enjoy being out and about. I would gladly take care of both girls but she won’t budge. Anyway, now she’s not speaking to us or her parents. My son told her if she wanted free babysitting she has to let up on some rules but that’s not happening. I feel really bad, we all live within 15 mins of each other and I was so happy to have a good relationship with both families. I feel really guilty but I don’t know what I can do without upsetting someone.
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You aren’t the JN here.
My gram was like you. My mom is like you with my sister’s kids.
Your DIL is a control freak. And it’s her kid so it’s her rules. But you don’t have to play by them and give up your daily life.
Let her hire a nanny.
Your son and DIL are making choices that they feel are appropriate. That’s fine, but the consequence of that is that their baby sitting options will be limited.
I’m sorry that they aren’t speaking to you. That is so rough!
Unlike most of the MIL/Moms in the sub you are not the just no here. Your DIL should realize that when her own mother tells her that her rules are nuts and her husband tells her she needs to let up on some rules the problem is her not all of you.
She sounds insufferable. I once babysat for a couple who wouldn’t come home until 4 or 5 am and still expect me to be awake…that don’t last long.
I’m a DIL. You sound like a dream MIL, can you adopt me?
Joking aside, DIL2 sounds like she might still be suffering from PPA. Unless you’ve been in multiple unsafe driving incidents (like my MIL), the no driving rule sounds bananas. Add in the food rule and cloth diaper mess? Even her own mom thinks it’s too much.
I get the pool rule, I wouldn’t let just one adult take my kids in the pool either until the kids had some swim lessons, which we started at 2.
Why feel guilty? I wouldn’t. She is going to find it really rough to find someone who will sit in her house all day (except for maybe a very young HS or college student on break) and I don’t think many daycares want to deal with cloth diapers. I’m all for doing things your own way, but you can’t expect other people to follow suit when you’re so rigid. She asked, you answered, let her pout.
You’re not doing anything wrong by saying no to her. Most of her rules are unrealistic. I can understand the pool one, but the others are just rude. You shouldn’t have to wash the diapers or wait to eat or stop babysitting a child you’ve been babysitting for 3 years.
Her own mother said no. That says a lot. If your DIL wants a sitter, she can pay for one who will obey her “rules”.
Let her hire a nanny for the sake of your relationship. Who knows maybe after a couple weeks or months she’ll see she can’t control everything – better to learn this from a stranger than you.
She’s going to have to turn down the promotion or hire a nanny. Taking on this responsibility will ruin your relationship.
Don’t feel bad. First off, it’s very telling that her own parents said hell no. Second, I don’t like her sensor entitlement, to tell you to ditch the other grandkid because you’ve been watching her for a few years. I guess she feels it should be her turn now, but that’s just obnoxious and really presumptuous about your time. Even if you were willing to follow all her rules, you know she still will find stuff to complain about that you’re not doing to her exacting standards. And you know she wouldn’t want you having anyone else over to break the boredom for you.
You’re right to not get yourself into this situation. It would likely ultimately lead to your relationship with her, and even possibly your son, being destroyed. Follow her parents’ lead, and tell your son to tell her that you’re not going to give up your vibrant life that you enjoy to turn into a shut in with no escape with someone else’s baby, even if it’s your grandbaby.
The rules you mentioned I think she is well within her right to set BUT she can’t be upset if those rules don’t fit with your life! Perhaps you can discuss each with her, try to understand her point of view and see if there is any compromise.
This is my suggestion:
No driving – ask her why not and if there is something you can do for her to allow it? Car seat safety education etc
no eating things baby can’t have infront of baby – how troublesome would this be? Is it due to allergies or just the parent’s preference?
the pool thing – I would just accept that. As a parent to a 3yo and 1yo I also don’t trust anyone in the world but me and their dad to keep them safe. Just imagine if something did happen, it would be awful. Save pool time for when the parents are around.
I think you could go a long way to ask her to explain her rules because you want to understand. Make sure you validate her reasons and ask her if there is anything you can do to compromise on them. Tread carefully so you don’t come across as trying to undermine the rules but support her concerns as much as you can – she’s the parent as you rightly say!
Perhaps trial trips out with both granddaughters and the nervous DIL so she can see how you handle the kids?
How great would it be if you could have the same relationship with both?
A nanny who can’t drive or eat without hiding and works for free. This is a wild ask.
I don’t think this is a problem that you – or even your son – can solve.
She’s getting a promotion, more money means she can afford a nanny. DiLs rules are ‘very rigid’ to be polite.
They are the parents, so they make the rules. You don’t have to like the rules, but you will follow them if you want to maintain a relationship. If you don’t think you can follow their rules, then bow out and let them find someone who can.
Your DIL is being unreasonable and everyone around her recognizes it. This is on her to figure out and work through. I get being an anxious ftm but this isn’t something that should be enabled. I hope your son can get her some help.
It sounds like your DIL may suffer from anxiety, but that’s not yours to manage. You’re well within your rights to decline, but based on your son’s recognition that her rules are extreme, perhaps he could talk to her about talking to a therapist.
Also, your DIL is being incredibly entitled, even accusatory, by demanding that you give up babysitting your other granddaughter. Fair does not mean equal. It would be entirely reasonable for you to let both her and your son know that her comments and expectations are hurtful.
I respect that you respect their rules and dont want to break them. She is not entitled to free babysitting or to your other kids giving you up as a babysitter. So unless she wants to be flexible a bit, she needs to look elsewhere for care.
You sound lovely OP.
The thing is you already have a set schedule, and expectations out of your day. Like, being able to pick up your other granddaughter, go in to the library, maybe do an errand and come home. Your other DIL’s rules would need to work with that.
Maybe the cloth diaper would work if you just set them aside and she can deal with the mess on her own. (She needs to be able to agree to that much).
I understand the pool thing. I won’t leave my kids at pool side with anyone but me.
I mean suppose you can be mindful about eating something she can’t have. I mean it’s a bit over the top but maybe she wants family meals?
But the one thing she absolutely needs to cave in is the driving. That can be scary for her and I understand. But you already made a commitment to your other DIL and you can’t just drop that.
Other than that, her only two options is hiring a nanny that will abide by her rules or turning down the promotion.
This story has been repeated. Last time I think was the perspective of one if the DILs.
None if this is your problem.
Your son and DIL need to figure out their own childcare arrangements.
The car thing originally came up when her mom asked to take the baby out. She said she would never consider allowing her baby in someone else’s car. Neither me or her mom has ever had an accident. And we’re both 61.
As for the eating part. She said the baby may get frustrated seeing something she can’t have. No allergies so far and her parents have no allergies
The pool I don’t really care about. She brought it up one day before she even asked me to babysit. I was getting out of my car with my other granddaughter after having gone to the beach. She said the beach?? I wouldn’t even allow you to bring my baby in the pool never mind the beach lol
I honestly don’t think the there is anything I could say to her nor would I want to. Tbh I feel like our children are the most precious gifts we have and I wouldn’t want her to be in anyway uncomfortable while her baby was with me.