Since yesterday I’ve been thinking of how to come out to my (now ex) bf as gay. After weighing in the pros and cons of telling him the real reason why I’m ending things: I decided to be completely honest. Although I did try to soften the blow by cooking his favourite meal and affirming that he is an amazing person, but this won’t work out for the both of us.
I did mention my interest in girls, as stated in a previous post. He assumed I was bi and we went back to the 3-way idea he came up with and how I did not appreciate that. I wanted to make all my feelings clear and I found it nice how he empathised and saw it from my angle.
When I ripped the bandage off and told him I’m breaking up with him. He asked if I was certain that I only liked girls or if this was something we can both work through. And I kept it real: that this isn’t something we can work through.
I couldn’t read his reaction. He definitely wasn’t happy but I couldn’t tell how upset he was. The conversation was a long one to say the least. I left so he can come to terms that it was over. I didn’t expect to hear back from him, at least not for a while. This was just this morning by the way.
But he called me last night saying he really wants us to stay close and be friends. That he doesn’t want to lose our connection just because I’m not into men like that anymore. Part of me feels like being in close proximity with him would make it harder for him to move on (and for me to explore my sexuality in peace).
I’m a bit conflicted as I do still care about him, what we had was real. The romantic connection was definitely there as we’ve been together for 1 year and a half. I just don’t feel sexual attraction to him or guys in general. But we’ve been faithful regardless.
We also have mutual friends and the breakup is too fresh for me to even start explaining this with any of them. I’m a bit conflicted
Comments
Do what feels best. I’ve kept friendships with exes where the friendship aspect was never our problem and it’s worked out great. It might be worth giving a shot at being friends and seeing how it goes.
I definitely get the conflict part of it, but I think you should definitely remain friends with him. You should tell him that you want to be friends, but set a boundary that you want to explore your sexuality and don’t feel as sexually connected to him. Let him explore new relationships as well.
Sounds like he cares about you and doesn’t want to completely lose you from his life. Maybe talk to him about taking some space at first while you figure things out and then when you are ready try spending time in a group setting.
I think you need time away from him to clear your head and for him to fully process that you’re neve going to get back with him.
Trying to stay close friends after a breakup is usually a fool’s errand for at least one of the exes.
You could always just try being friends and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. If you don’t want to make it awkward between mutual friends, you can have a conversation with him about just being civil and not being so close. And, maybe its just me, but I always find it easier to simply openly tell him all of this. That way neither of you are left guessing. It’s good that you’re learning more about yourself and that you told him the way you did; I wish you the best internet stranger 😊
It’s probably really hard for him to go from being in a relationship with you where you’re also friends, to losing you completely, when he still loves you. Offering a friendship is a way for him to not lose you completely. But you need space to process things and to breathe. You’re not going to be able to be free to figure things out and explore when you’re basically in the same situation with him. For you it was a friendship. So only the physical aspect will be removed now. It’s still the same relationship for you then. Of course you don’t want to be friends right now. Maybe down the line you can be, you could propose that to him. I feel for him, I do, but he has to find someone else to lean on. You did the right thing, you didn’t stay in order to avoid an uncomfortable situation or to avoid hurting him. You were honest and you’re letting him go so he can heal and find the right person for him. I think you should just be honest with him, like you have been. That’s all you can do.
Instinctively, staying friends doesn’t feel possible. You both need time to come to terms with the break up and grieve the relationship, you have some sexuality to figure out and he needs to come to terms with the fact he’s been broken up with / was dating a lesbian. You don’t get over someone by staying friends, you need time and distance away from them for a while.
Checking in in a couple of months and seeing if you can grab a coffee as friends? That sounds bnetter.
You have to bury the corpse before you can plant flowers on the grave. The two of you need to take time apart – as in multiple months.