I (M30) just broke it off with my girlfriend Jen(F33) I met last year after I found out that she is polyamorous, this should be cut and dry, but here’s the kicker. I am asexual.
I met my girlfriend last year and immediately fell hard for her. We met at a bar after a concert and hit it off quickly. We had everything in common, and connected like I never had before with anyone. We arranged to meet up again and began seeing each other quite frequently.
I work late in a resaurant, so we were restricted to coffee and lunch dates at parks and art shows for the first month. When it was obvious things were going to be intimate I explained that I am asexual, and completely neutral towards sex. I’m not sex repulsed or anything, just don’t care for it, and will never initiate or read the ‘signs’. I’m still willing to do it for someone else if I care about them enough. I maybe should’ve revealed it earlier but being ace has been a majority of reasons past relationships didn’t work, and I’m still nervous about telling people in person (mainly because they have so many questions).
Fast forward half a year and things are going great. We are dating, staying at each other’s houses, sleep together occasionally (only when she very specifically asked) and met each other’s friends. She would do lovely things like make unique art for me, share music & TV with me, and even bought me a graphic novel by my favorite writer because she remembered such a small detail like my favorite writer which no one else seems to remember.
So I get off work, drop into my friends bar just after midnight and after a little while I hear my name. “You’re nattyhawkeyebum, I’m Jim, I saw some pictures of you on Jen’s phone.” Ok, wierd I’ve never met him before, but thought she might’ve been sharing our dates. Then I’m completely blindsided when he says he’s been dating her for 4 years! My face dropped, and he noticed quickly. He muttered something like “wait, you didn’t know?” and trailed off. I couldn’t even speak, so he said goodbye or something and quickly left.
I stepped outside, phone her, and she admitted to everything. She’s poly, has multiple partners, and has for many years. She said it wasn’t a big deal because I was ace so we don’t sleep together much anyways. I immediately broke it off with her on that phone call, and said I needed space so please don’t message me for a while.
It’s now been a couple weeks, I’m hurt as I think I was in love with this woman, but this has changed everything for me. My friends say I should give it a chance because we worked so well together, but I think they just don’t want to see me sad.
Now I’m just numb, and don’t know how to feel. I’ve been cheated on multiple times in the past often because I was ace, but this feels different. I fluctuate between never speaking to her again, trying to make it work, and maybe trying to simply be friends.
I’m sorry if this was long, I tried to give lots of info so I don’t have to answer too many questions or updates to clarify. This probably won’t come up on the pod, but this community has a wide range of opinions, and I really need to hear some of your thoughts. Love this community, and never thought I’d post on it, but here I am. Looking for answers.
PS. Are there any lyrics in the intro music, because I always hear “do do do do do, let me out, let me out”
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Backup of the post’s body: I (M30) just broke it off with my girlfriend Jen(F33) I met last year after I found out that she is polyamorous, this should be cut and dry, but here’s the kicker. I am asexual.
I met my girlfriend last year and immediately fell hard for her. We met at a bar after a concert and hit it off quickly. We had everything in common, and connected like I never had before with anyone. We arranged to meet up again and began seeing each other quite frequently.
I work late in a resaurant, so we were restricted to coffee and lunch dates at parks and art shows for the first month. When it was obvious things were going to be intimate I explained that I am asexual, and completely neutral towards sex. I’m not sex repulsed or anything, just don’t care for it, and will never initiate or read the ‘signs’. I’m still willing to do it for someone else if I care about them enough. I maybe should’ve revealed it earlier but being ace has been a majority of reasons past relationships didn’t work, and I’m still nervous about telling people in person (mainly because they have so many questions).
Fast forward half a year and things are going great. We are dating, staying at each other’s houses, sleep together occasionally (only when she very specifically asked) and met each other’s friends. She would do lovely things like make unique art for me, share music & TV with me, and even bought me a graphic novel by my favorite writer because she remembered such a small detail like my favorite writer which no one else seems to remember.
So I get off work, drop into my friends bar just after midnight and after a little while I hear my name. “You’re nattyhawkeyebum, I’m Jim, I saw some pictures of you on Jen’s phone.” Ok, wierd I’ve never met him before, but thought she might’ve been sharing our dates. Then I’m completely blindsided when he says he’s been dating her for 4 years! My face dropped, and he noticed quickly. He muttered something like “wait, you didn’t know?” and trailed off. I couldn’t even speak, so he said goodbye or something and quickly left.
I stepped outside, phone her, and she admitted to everything. She’s poly, has multiple partners, and has for many years. She said it wasn’t a big deal because I was ace so we don’t sleep together much anyways. I immediately broke it off with her on that phone call, and said I needed space so please don’t message me for a while.
It’s now been a couple weeks, I’m hurt as I think I was in love with this woman, but this has changed everything for me. My friends say I should give it a chance because we worked so well together, but I think they just don’t want to see me sad.
Now I’m just numb, and don’t know how to feel. I’ve been cheated on multiple times in the past often because I was ace, but this feels different. I fluctuate between never speaking to her again, trying to make it work, and maybe trying to simply be friends.
I’m sorry if this was long, I tried to give lots of info so I don’t have to answer too many questions or updates to clarify. This probably won’t come up on the pod, but this community has a wide range of opinions, and I really need to hear some of your thoughts. Love this community, and never thought I’d post on it, but here I am. Looking for answers.
PS. Are there any lyrics in the intro music, because I always hear “do do do do do, let me out, let me out”
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
why didn’t she tell you for SEVEN MONTHS?!? shady shitty person
It’s fine to be poly. If anything, it seems like maybe a good fit for your situation, if you were OK with it. But you gotta tell people.
The problem is her dishonesty. Had she said she’s poly from the beginning, you might even have seen the advantage and continued a relationship, or not, but you couldn’t choose because she wasn’t honest.
I don’t see a possibility of a relationship where there’s no trust.
A friendship may be possible at some point, only when you’ve healed from this.
She fully cheated on you. This isn’t even about being poly. Shes a liar and a cheater.
You’d be better off with another asexual or someone with a lower sex drive. Rather than subjecting yourself to your partner sleeping around
she cheated, got caught, and now is poly. nope. cheater with a spin.
Being poly is probably a plus in that situation because if you’re asexual and your partner is not, it’s hard to work out for many. Even if you’re willing to physically perform, it will make your partner feel always undesired in bed and can eventually lead to cheating or a breakup. But she should have been upfront about her being poly, just like you’ve been upfront about being ace. Lying and hiding it for seven months is a huge red flag.
This isn’t being poly. This is cheating. If she was truly poly, she would have been upfront with you about her lifestyle. She lied (by omission) and deceived you. She’s not a good person. Please do yourself a favor and cut her out of your life.
This isn’t about her being poly. It’s about her being dishonest. She lied through omittance. That means you can’t trust her. Trust is apart of the foundation of any relationship. If you don’t trust her, there is no relationship to build upon.
I also need to add that even though it’s difficult, you need to be upfront with people about being ace. It’s highly manipulative to withhold this information until after feelings have been caught. I know it’s been difficult to do so, but you’re not going to find your person by omitting this. You’re actually setting yourself up for failure bc the right person won’t be bothered by it. So you just keep ending up with the wrong people and it’s partially your fault.
She cheated on you. You’d better go see a doctor and get an sti check.
Dude that’s just straight up cheating under a different name. If she had been honest from the start you could have made an informed decision about continuing the relationship but obviously that’s not the case. She completely disrespected you and the relationship by not telling from the beginning.
Did you ever have the conversation about not seeing other people or did you just assume? Not saying she wasn’t wrong for not telling you but if you never talked about being exclusive, it’s not the most unforgivable thing ever.
You did the right thing, if you are monogamous, it will not work out. She will not change.
Poly people don’t lie about being poly, that’s just a cheater. From your story she wasn’t even sorry when you confronted her, just tried to deflect. Ain’t worth nothin
If you posted this on the polyamory sub they would tear her apart for lying to you!! It is completely unethical for her to pretend she was willing to be monogamous with you and also to not tell you about her other partners. She is not doing poly ethically at ALL.
I’m an ace in a relationship with a poly person. I told him up front I’m ace so I can’t give him sex, but I’m fine with him getting it from other people. He introduced me to the other person he wanted to start another relationship with while with me. At no point in our relationship has he hid anything from me. We have open and transparent and honest dialogue between the three of us.
NTA. She was just cheating.
Polyamory isn’t a gender this is just called cheating lol secretly polyamory isn’t a thing buddy
And she shared pictures? No.
I’ve gone on a date with a poly person and they were upfront about their polyamorous relationships, even on dating apps. What your ex did is cheating. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I wonder if her current boyfriend thinks she’s poly.
Maybe ask her why she felt she couldn’t be honest with you. Especially after you told her that you had low interest in sex. That would have been the perfect time.
It would normally be an ideal situation, but not with the dishonesty. That’s very troubling.
I think you might have better luck with other people who have a low sex drive, so that both parties needs are met in the future.