I used to be the guy who stayed late for the thrill of solving hard problems. I chased meaning, complexity, and recognition. I thought brilliance would eventually win. That if you worked hard enough, people would notice.
They noticed, alright. And they buried it. In committees, pointless reviews, office politics, and performative “collaboration” that rewards passivity over clarity.
I kept pushing until something cracked. Not loudly. Quietly. The collapse didn’t look dramatic. It looked like: “Sure, I can take care of that.” It looked like a frozen stare at a screen. A spreadsheet updated. An email replied to. And then, nothing.
By the time I realized how bad it was, I couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t depressed in the traditional sense. I was empty. No spark. No anger. Just dust where ambition used to be.
I wrote a book about it eventually. I called it Desperate Engineer. Not a self-help guide. Not a recovery arc. Just what it feels like when a high-performing mind breaks inside a well-funded system that never cared.
If you’ve been there, or feel yourself slipping, you’re not broken. And you’re definitely not alone.
Comments
There’s no winning when you’re “just an employee.” Businesses are takers and there’s no way around it. Hope you’re doing okay now.
Office politics and “collaboration” is going to be the match that burned American corporations and productivity.
I’m dealing with them replacing me with pretty obvious incompetence because they don’t want anyone that challenges….well anything….so now they have people that can’t even be bothered.
I’ve been there. I also cracked, quietly. And I did lose a lot of myself in the process. For a long time I couldn’t meet friends or family for more than maybe an hour before crashing completely, falling into sleep for hours. My eyes lost their color and happiness was just drained from me. We had a newborn and I couldn’t function as a dad or husband for months, time I will never get back. I felt nothing when I held my daughter for the first time and it breaks my heart to this day.
But I did manage to patch myself up and get back on my feet, with a lot of help from my wife. Still now, several years later I can still feel some after effects. I now have a slightly slurred speech and my childhood stutter returned albeit in a lesser form. Other effects as well, but mostly minor ones, linger. I’m almost 100% back, with a new respect for myself, my time, and my effort.
Like you said, you’re not broken. Or alone. And there is no shame.
You’re not less of a man or woman for crashing out. A snuffed out flame can always be re-lit.
Fellow burn out here: definitely look into “good girl trauma” (even if you are a dude, lots of crossover), and also look into ADHD / autism as well.