I feel terrible for this post but I just need to get my feelings out and I will get tons of hate for this post. I have 3 kids. 1 child from a previous relationship and 2 from my current relationship. My partner and I had a baby boy in September 2023 and I felt complete. I finally had a boy and a girl and I was DONE having kids. However July 2024 I had my 3rd child. I scheduled a time to get my tubes tied because i definitely did not want to EVER get pregnant again. I don’t care what you say being pregnant was the worst experience ever for me. With my daughter I threw up multiple times every day for the whole pregnancy and had a traumatizing birth experience. With my son I was so traumatized from my first birth that I was panicking the whole labor process.
Anyway I knew i definitely didn’t want to get pregnant again, we used protection, but I chose to not get on birth control due to breastfeeding getting affected by most options. I went in to get my tubes tied and they run all the pre surgery tests INCLUDING a pregnancy test.
Suddenly I hear a nurse scream THIS IS GREAT IM SO EXCITED. I thought that was weird but didn’t think much of it until she came in my room all bubbly and said “youre pregnant and it’s so funny I’ve never gotten to tell someone this while they were waiting to get their tubal done”
My heart shattered. I had no options other than to keep the baby. I was already dealing with PPA and financially struggling due to my job not paying any sort of maternity leave and one of our two cars also had just gotten repossessed.
I was depressed the whole pregnancy. Had high BP during the second trimester and at one point I tested positive for opioids during a check up (I’ve never touched a drug in my life) so I was put on a watch list. I stopped going to regular appointments because I felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to take off work because needed the money saved for my second maternity leave in a year. (Luckily my boss was amazing and didn’t care I needed off). However I could feel the resentment of this pregnancy and how much I DIDNT want this baby. At the beginning of my third trimester our car that didn’t get repoed suddenly needed major repairs and I just couldn’t deal anymore and took a vacation to the mental hospital because I was so overwhelmed with everything.
During my labor with my third child (they induced me due to decreased fetal movement) I felt like I was dying. My BP tanked and they couldn’t get it over 65/20 and I kept going in and out of consciousness. I was so thankful for the nurse I had during this time because I understand how serious it was but she never once made me panic (I did that all on my own) but she explained calmly what was happening and I ended up on 2 BP medications to get it where it needed to be. After he was born they had to monitor me for eclampsia due to the labor and even after discharge they told me if I had a headache that lasted more than a day to come to the er due to my risk for the next 8 weeks.
I was also visited by a social worker and the drug tested me and my baby once he was born due to the one single time I tested positive for opioids.
I felt like once he was born all my fears and dread would go away. It didn’t. It took me about 4 months before I actually felt bonded to my third baby. I feel guilty for the way I felt.
My partner has always been supportive and helped me with everything and anything I’ve needed or wanted. I don’t know why but ever since my last baby was born I can not get physically ready for sex. Some days I want to but my body doesn’t and we maybe have sex 1-2 times a month. Sometimes we are In the middle and suddenly my body shuts down. I feel broken and he keeps telling me it’s fine but I know it’s not but I don’t know how to fix it.
I don’t know what to do. I love my partner more than anything I want to be with him but my body just cannot perform anymore and I can tell he’s getting frustrated about this.
I just want to say I do NOT regret any of my children and I love them all with all my heart I just had to explain my headspace during and shortly after birth.