Hi Reddit,
English isn’t my first language, but I need to get this off my chest.
My mom (59F) and I (27F) have been “living together” for the past 10 months. I say “living together” because I’m only really home 2–3 days a week—I stay at work during the week or with my boyfriend.
She moved with me to Europe from Latin America. It was a hard adjustment, but she’s active and managed to build a small community here. She’s retired and brought some savings to live and travel. I’ve been covering rent and bills since she moved in. I’m lucky to have a good job and wanted to help her.
We don’t have a great relationship. I felt free for the first time when I moved out at 20, but I still try to support her and show up.
She’s been staying in my room (I have roommates) while we worked through some long paperwork processes. She’s going back to our home country soon, and I planned a surprise Apericena (small dinner party) with family and friends to say goodbye.
I told her we should go shopping so she wouldn’t suspect anything. I was getting ready, and yeah—I get messy when choosing an outfit. Clothes everywhere, makeup stuff out. I eventually chose something, did my hair and makeup, and suggested we leave early to take photos in the park (flowers are blooming, it’s finally spring!).
That’s when she suddenly said we couldn’t go because I needed to clean my mess. I told her I’d clean when we got back because I didn’t want to miss the daylight. She said:
“No. Every time you say that, you don’t do it. You’re arrogant and disrespectful. I can’t talk to you.”
I said I’d clean right then because I really wanted to go (and the surprise party!). But she kept calling me arrogant and stuck-up—maybe because I was dressed nicely? It felt like an emotional slap. I started crying. It brought back painful memories of how she treated me growing up. I felt small and unappreciated.
I went to the bathroom and called my boyfriend and cousin because I was so upset. I eventually went back to her and said:
“You don’t get to talk to me like that. I never speak to you that way. That ‘stuck-up’ daughter of yours planned something really nice for you, and now you’re making me feel ashamed when I’ve already spent so much time and money.”
She looked at me and said: “I’m not going.”
That was it. I saw red. I canceled everything.
Fifteen minutes later she came back and said, “Let’s go.”
But I was emotionally drained. I told her, “No. It’s canceled,” and left to see my boyfriend.
It’s been a day. We’re not speaking. I’ve gotten a lot of mixed reactions. And even though she really hurt me, I still feel terrible. I planned something special to celebrate her, and it turned into this awful memory. And even worse—I don’t think she understands how much it affected me.
I don’t know if I overreacted. I just know I feel sad, heavy, and tired. I really wanted this to be a good moment for us.
Thanks for reading.
Comments
You did not overreact, your mom was an AH. Its ok to put boundaries. Your mom was disrespectful, maybe its time you stop catering to her.
Your mom needs to GTFO of your place of residence.
You canceled something bc she told you to.
I think it’s OK to mourn a relationship even while the person is alive if they aren’t going to treat you well
I have this mother. We cannot live together it’s just not possible. She very much feels like she has a right to say what she wants and I should just take it. Only I’m in my 50s with a kid and grandkids and yeah not happening.
The most I can take of her is once a week dinner for about 2 hours and even then we manage to find something to argue about. When it gets bad I just do not talk to her for a while. Usually a month or so.
She’s a great mom and I seriously can count on her for anything and everything but yeah she can run her mouth in a way that makes me not care how long of a stint in prison I might have to live with.
My advice do not live with her, this will alleviate most of your issues. Then if she gets bad cut her off for a while. Don’t ask for apologies or change it won’t happen just change how you respond.
Honestly, this post made me dislike you and your mother. The only people who have my sympathy are your poor roommates who are living with you two fighting. You don’t like your mom. Your mom doesn’t like you. Still you insist on living together in small quarters. What kind of madness is that???
Btw. She doesn’t get to be mad because you canceled a dinner she explicitly said she wasn’t going to. She expected you to beg her to go. You rightfully didn’t play her game and called bullshit on her threat. Good for you. Now if you want to live in hell with your mom, then that is your choice. But you knew this was a bad idea, yet you did it anyway. To hell with your roommates, right?
Get some therapy and never live with your mom again. Not even to share a room during a weekend.
Your mother was just plain mean. Go live your life and be happy. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Your mother should be ashamed of herself.
You didn’t cancel. She said she’s not going, and that was the consequence
When does she depart for South America?.
Have a very small dinner out after she leaves. Take pictures . Post them.
Your mom played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. Good for you for refusing to play.
You did not overreact! I’m glad to stood up for yourself. She does not get to speak to you that way! Your mom is shitty, reminds me of how I was treated growing up. My son never cleans his room. Everytime I go in there, I get anxiety but I would never treat my son poorly or insult him because of it. I get it. I used to be a teenager once. It’s a miracle your mother’s treatment of you hasn’t turned you into a cold person like she is. Break the cycle…you’re heart is in the right place.
You need to stop feeling guilty for being abused!
No sé si tu lengua madre sea el español, pero yo tengo una mamá Latina muy similar a la tuya…
Una se siente mal, claro… Entiendo..
Nos criaron bajo eso de que debemos obedecer y respetar a nuestros padres..
Pero, honestamente, con esa mala actitud lo que logran es apartarnos emocionalmente…
Dolorosa situación, porque una quisiera tener una relación madre-hija funcional, pero con madres orgullosas, duras y abusivas, difícil..
Espero la distancia te ayude, u/Then-Pear6930
Animos! Xx
Word of advice: develop a backbone and send her packing.
Yah people don’t get to that you poorly and then get a wonderful gift. So sorry
She knows and she doesn’t care. “I’m not going” is malicious and intended to hurt. You did nothing wrong
I think this is a good time to talk to a therapist about your ability to maintain boundaries with your mother. Your mother’s behavior is not new to you, so why would you invite her to live in your home? In your bedroom! That’s obviously a recipe for exactly what happened.
If you aren’t ready for therapy, at least try to imagine how you would respond if a roommate or coworker talked to you the way your mother did. Would you invite them to share your bedroom? Would you plan celebration dinners for them? No! Apply that response to your relationship with your mother.
oh dear OP, your mother was 100% wrong. You are not a child to be told to clean up her toys. In your own space too, you pay the bills! Of course you couldn’t follow through on the dinner party after she was so horrible to you, what she said to you was verbal abuse. I hope you can separate from her a bit more in the future. Others may not support your doing that if they don’t understand. You don’t need permission from family or her friends to keep space from your mother. You sound like you have made a success of your life, don’t let your mother continue to discourage you!
You didn’t overreact. She came to YOUR home and has the audacity to treat you like crap? Next time respond that she can go back sooner since she’s obviously not happy in your home. She might be your mother, but you are now an adult and did her a favour by letting her stay with you.
Her response of you being open and helpful is disrespectful, and very unappreciative. This is your house and your rules, you are an adult now and want to run a proper house where you aren’t disrespected in your own home. What sort of example would that set for future children? Everyone should have a voice, because that helps people become a lot more mentally happy/healthy.
She decided to make a control issue out of your “ready to go” way. She told you she wouldn’t go.
Her emotional manipulation didn’t work the way she hoped. Kudos to you for holding a firm, reasonable, healthy boundary. Now she knows trying to pressure you last minute to comply won’t be met with compliance on your part.
GOOD for YOU!
SHE acted HORRIBLY in YOUR home!
Her attitude was one of authority and SHE is NOT YOUR authority! She was literally living on YOUR money and space! The absolute LACK of RESPECT and REALITY is mind boggling!
She’s extremely JEALOUS of you! She made you cry then hurt your feelings ON PURPOSE and then had the AUDACITY to still want you to give her a dinner!!!!
She needs to leave. You need to split from her and stop wasting your money and time on someone who treats you terribly!