So it all goes back to when i started living for the first time in my life alone, for academic reasons. I was living pretty regular life, not communicating with humans so much, but that bit of habbit shaped some of me that later on, became a huge problem.
I was going to classes regularly, keeping up with a very disguisting food, to say the least. And the environment wasnt even that great. But overall, I was keeping up with it, following my scheduled routine. But then I got sick, right before one of my tests in my institute. It was a big deal for me, as it was the first test that i was giving, which would give me an idea of where i fall, rank wise, in the herd of lakhs of aspirants. And I messed it up.
I stopped for a moment, and sat by myself, how this test shattered my academic persona that I built up from childhood. It wasnt a case where the test was my life, but it was something that made me think a little, it pushed me in those deeper dungeons of those dark territories of thoughts. I exposed myself to all sorts of perspectives, that i first used to hesitate to think of, for obvious reasons. Like why would anyone of death and purpose of life, for whole days and nights, lying on bed, doing nothing, right? Maybe I shouldnt have gave myself that kind of freedom.
I then obviously went on with my regular routine, but this time, i was slacking off a bit, like not focusing on my work and stuff. Cause I developed this sense of inferiority in academix terms. I was not very disciplined. That made my life even worse and worst. Dont wanna rant about it forever, but I did not achieve the expected results in multiple examinations my plan for life was fucked. I got depresssingly deep into philosophy, and tried to justify my death, or rather suicide.
Now that I’ve people around, it hasnt got any better. I guess my actions still arent in control, and I believe I have every reason to kill myself, just not enough guts to do it. But as soon as I have a reason big enough to do so, I will.
Comments
Depression and anxiety are best friends. University can cause a lot of anxiety, not doing as well as you expect in an exam can cause depression. Unfortunately these are normal feelings for many especially while in university. See if your school has counseling services, most do, or seek a therapist.
It sounds morbid but you can always end it later so may as well get therapy and make sure it’s worth it.
That being said, please don’t hurt yourself.
Please find a licensed professional that can help you. Medication may help, even something on a low dosage. Brain chemistry is very real. Talk therapy will help. You can do this one on one in person, online, or even group therapy. Self help books can help, if you find one that resonates with you. If it doesn’t grab you from the beginning, don’t suffer through it. Fiction and non fiction as well! If you don’t like to read, find a documentary or tv show that interests you. Take up art, or cooking, or photography. Whatever may interest you!
You say your plan for life was messed up, but I would gently argue that maybe you are destined for a different plan than what you envisioned. I thought I was destined to be a doctor, and I could barely pass any of the courses my freshman year. I was also depressed. I switched majors, picked up a few hobbies, made some new friends, listened to a lot of music that made me feel calm, read some inspiring books (both fiction and non fiction). The dark feelings I had did slowly go away. Not completely, mind you, but they were significantly less overwhelming.
Feelings are not facts. You may feel like a failure, but you aren’t. You just may be on a different journey now, taking you somewhere even more wonderful. People’s dreams can and should change sometimes.
Hang in there and know that this is temporary, not forever. Tomorrow is another day.