I’ve lived my whole life suffering from day one. Parents separated at two, lived with my emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive narcissistic mom. Really fucked me up in the head as a kid. Getting called a piece of shit and a bitch since I was three, already blamed for ruining her life. Grew up always getting screamed at and pushed around by her(literally to the ground) since I was barely in first grade. Then she had my brother and always chooses him before me because he was “easy” and I was “a horrible child.” I developed a disorder at first grade too, couldn’t stop pulling out my hair until fourth grade. Bullied in school all throughout elementary which depleted my confidence severely to this day. Not only, but my dad got put in jail for beating up a woman and putting her in the hospital in fourth grade. Since, he’s never been the same and I’ve hardly seen him. Covid happened when I was in 6th, stuck in the house with my abusive mom and my bipolar stepdad. I was desperate to get out at any costs. I took pictures of the drugs she did for “blackmail” in case things got really bad. She found the pictures and pushed me to the ground spit in my face and screamed at me while I was mid zoom online school. A few weeks later, she got mad because me and my brother were fighting and sent me to bed. She started to hit my head over and over and I was shaking and crying so hard and so scared I accidentally slapped her out of defense. She took my legs and drug me out of bed got on top of me screaming in my face holding me down saying she was gonna call the cops. She didn’t, but sent me away to live with my grandma. I was happy there for once and I finally started telling her everything that as really been happening while with my mom. After a few months my mom forced me to come live back with her. Ever since that it’s only been worse. 8th grade she got my stepdad to drag me around and they would scream at me throw things at me hit me with shit and she threatened to call the police if I even stepped outside. Meanwhile, my boyfriend at the time sexually assaulted me, threatened me to send him pictures, then spread them around the whole school. Ever since nobody hardly even wants to be around me and they all make fun of me. The boyfriend after that one I went to because I thought he was listening to me and comforting me about my traumas. Instead the moment he got me alone he sexually assaulted me too. I broke up with him going into 9th grade. 9th grade I was desperate for any escape. I hung around fucked up guys who fucked me up too, started smoking, all while still dealing with my mom on my ass all the time. A suppressed memory of me getting sexually assaulted as a kid resurfaced, and how my mom blamed me for it saying it was my fault and let me around that person for awhile after. I also developed major presentation and social anxiety to where my head and hands would shake so violently I couldn’t even speak. Going into 10th I started dating my current boyfriend whom has been the only person there for me. School doubled down and so did my depression and anxiety. In December things with my mom got so bad I went to a support line to talk because I wanted to kill myself again. they called CPS and my mom about killed me when they came by. She acted lioe everything was normal and i was crazy, and there was nothing CPS could do. Now, shes constantly picking fights with me and making every moment she can absolute hell. I relapsed and started cutting myself again. Today i just cant anymore. I dont want to live anymore.Schools so stressful, my moms screaming is driving me insane all of her constant words i cant take it anymore. My boyfriend asked me to bite his neck for fun today and his mom saw and now i think we might not be able to see each other. Our 9 months is tommorow too and we have a dance on friday, and now nothing is going as planned. My parents are trying to ground me because i didnt invite them to the dance. Last time they grounded me my mom forced me to sleep with her at night and would try to cuddle with me dispite knowing i have serious issues with physical touch now (i told her about my exs who SA’d me and she still says it was my fault). I cant do it anymore. I hate myself i hate the person i am i hate my looks and personality i hate how much anxiety i have and how i never stop feeling sad. I cant do it anymore. I can’t do anything right. Im almost 17 but i dont know if I’ll even make it another month. i dont know anymore.Please help
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I’m really sorry you’re going through this. All I can really tell you is that it gets better. I had a horribly abusive childhood, and the way my life opened up when I was able to move out of my mom’s house was something I never could have imagined. I know how hard it can be, but you’ve just got to keep going. This pain will not last forever.
Don’t forget you can call or text 988 if you need mental health assistance. They’re great if you’re spiraling and need someone to talk you down.
This world needs you! Have you seen the movie “slumdog millionaire”? His life experiences made him who he is. Have you read “the count of Monte Christo”? He was imprisoned for years. You are in the middle or even the beginning, of your story. If possible, read as much as possible. Also ground yourself in nature, walk barefoot in the grass, touch a tree, it sounds silly but it works. Tolkiens experiences in WW1 inspired him to write. What inspires you? And if you even need it I have a couch you can sleep on…..