I’m a 25 year old male and I will give a little bit of context before going forward, I grew up in a really abusive household. It was a struggle for me and I started dating girls as a young teenager almost as a way of escaping. But it kind of turned into a dependency on being in a relationship. Fast forward to adulthood I grew out of a lot of my problems and live multiple thousands of miles away from my family (thankfully). Over the past couple of years I’ve just been in this cycle where I feel lonely / almost can’t function / anxious and I try my absolute best to take care of myself (exercise, dieting, movies, working overtime) but it seems like no matter what I do the sensation of what feels like almost paralyzing feelings of anxiety or hopelessness doesn’t go away until I start persueing a relationship then I (not to brag at all just for context have been told I’m enjoyable to be around and am somewhat charming.) So I can usually get into a relationship within a month or two. The feeling of being unable to function goes away and I seem to be able to just enjoy myself again as long as someone’s there. This often attracts someone who isn’t healthy or also codependent and the relationship is always good for a month to a couple months and then the cracks start to show and I feel like I’d be better off on my own. Swearing to myself I’ll just focus on me and do my own thing /enjoy my space I split with the girl and then almost on the dot writhing three days I’m back to the intensely paralyzing and frustrated feelings.
So I’ve gone through this enough times to gain the awareness that it happens. But not enough awareness to know how to stop it. I could take myself to see a movie I could do self affirmation stuff, I could spend time alone, I could take walks, spend money on myself, and I just don’t feel anything at all. I don’t feel like I’m improving or growing and my brain only gives me any kind of positive feedback when a female is involved. And I don’t know if that’s childhood trauma or codependency at its finest I really try to be a decent person and work through those kinds of things. I went to therapy for years and my two therapists could never seem to put a finger on it. It’s just been like 7 years of this cycle. And I really tried to figure it out and recently got married to a someone I ultimately in retrospect shouldn’t have. We stayed married for a year. And it wasn’t right and I knew it almost from the beginning. I finally pulled the plug and got a divorce and I swore to myself I finally learned my lesson that I just need to focus on myself and do my own thing. I looked forward to getting divorced and it has been eye opening and healthy for me but I’m back to the same feeling of extreme emptiness without a relationship.
It’s just a wierd paradox where I basically don’t want to be in a relationship, I know that I shouldn’t be, and I am COMPLETELY fine in a logical way okay with being alone right now. But to feel secure enough to enjoy life my body doesn’t seem to let me find any sort of homeostasis without someone around. And I’ve gotten really desperate and allowed some horrible people into my life to try to feel normal. I’ve been in multiple abusive relationships spending my dignity to feel like a person. It’s just a really messed up way to live and I’m tired of it.
TL;DR
Long story short I just want to feel normal without anyone in my life. I want to be able to be an independent happy person without having to constantly chase a relationship that has literally never ended on a good note for me. I’m not asking for advice on divorce or breakups but just genuinely feeling like something is wrong for me for this to be such a pattern. Is there a term for this? Codependency? I don’t want to continue to live this way. Any advice? Thanks.
Comments
You need to focus on friendships, and building your life into something you are relatively happy with being single. Friendships are more stable long term and can grow or shrink over time in a way that romantic relationships sometimes can’t. Having a social circle and some semblance of a “chosen family” is important. It won’t happen overnight, but I would put effort into making those sorts of platonic connections.
Dude, honestly, it sounds like you’re still dealing with scars from past traumas. Mad props to you for recognizing this vicious cycle and wanting out! Like, not many can do that! And yeah, this can be a form of codependency, rooted in your early baggage.
I’m sorry for what you went through growing up. I’m curious if surrounding yourself with friends dulls your anxiety or hopelessness at all?
Disorganized attachment strategy. Lack of personal identity outside of a relationship. You need to find out who you are as an individual, and be comfortable in your own company/being alone with your thoughts before you enter into a relationship (after thoughtful discernment). What attracts you when you are broken will disgust you when you heal. If you don’t truly fall head over heels in love with yourself first, you’ll always be chasing after people who don’t love you either.