In short, I (34F) have been longtime friends since highschool with a friend, let’s call her Annie (34F). I want to call it quits on the friendship but I feel guilty.
We’ve grown apart (having lived in different cities for years) but she has always reached out and maintained a friendship. She has untreated anxiety/depression and relies on her partner for… everything. She is always chronically ill with one thing or another. As much as I want to be empathetic, I find her frustrating. She will complain about the “cost of living” but is constantly splurging/refuses to cook. Insists she is too anxious/unwell to consistently work shifts (retail job) but will constantly spend money on takeaway/clothing. Her partner seems to enable it. Aside from that, I just find she grates on me. She will talk full speed a million miles a minute and makes immature references. Not just that, but she can’t tolerant the slightest bit of awkwardness or discomfort. If I was to make a suggestion (ie not spending hundreds on a gym membership) she will get upset/defensive.
Earlier this year she made the move to my city. She had always wanted to move here but made it known I was a deciding factor. She has one or two friends other than me, and they’re dwindling. I feel obliged to see her/make an effort but I’m just… constantly annoyed and frustrated when I see a message from her or have to make time to catch up. It’s horribly judgmental but I work an intense job during the week. While I completely get that her illnesses aren’t her fault, she isn’t proactive managing her anxiety and just loaves around at home.
Is it wrong to pull back when other than her partner, I’m her main support here?
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It is a hard choice to make, but as an adult it is ultimately your choice.
I find that as I get older, different friends bring different qualities that I love (and sometimes hate) and depending on the balance of those, I set boundaries and limit time with them.
Perhaps you can not proactively reach out, politely decline when she invites you to things except for when you’re feeling up for it. If she asks, be honest in a kind way. “I know you’ve been going through a lot with your health and I’m so glad you have Partner to help you through that. On my end, I’ve been working to maintain my menta, financial and physical health and that’s resulted in me taking a bit of a step back from our friendship, as sometimes it can be hard to balance both”
You don’t owe anybody friendship. I can sympathise with her given I have a chronic condition that has a big impact on my life but that’s my responsibility to manage.
You’re probably not supporting her as much as you think if you’re giving unsolicited advice and making her feel judged to the point she feels she has to defend herself. But the other side of that is .. it sounds like she’s expecting support from you but isn’t willing to make actual changes herself. Which is draining so of course you’re going to feel this way.
If I was in your position, I would probably think about if there’s a way to make this friendship feel good again with boundaries. For example, limiting time together, asking her to check if you have the mental energy before she emotionally dumps on you or complains about her life. If she can’t respect that, I’d walk away xx
You’re not obligated to remain friends with someone just because you are friends, have been friends a long time, or the person doesn’t have other friends. I’d move on from this friendship since it has run its course. Life is too short for toxic draining friendships IMO.
I’ve been here – I’m sure most of us over 30 can relate to this tale. And we’ve all heard that friends come into our orbit for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Very very few friends fit into the third category – and that’s completely normal. That what makes them special.
You are an evolving human with different experiences, responsibilities, and interests, and you don’t have to shame yourself for noticing how yours don’t align with your friend’s anymore. You get to decide who you share your limited time with. You are allowed to notice who fills your cup and who seems to always tip it out with abandon, and to do something about that. It’s kinda all in how you go about making this known.
As others have suggested, if you don’t feel you can discuss the nuances and issues with her in detail and it lead to any sort of positive mutually beneficial result, you can always go the path of grey-rock: Be brief in communication, don’t elaborate or colour in the lines anymore for her benefit, minimise interaction and contact (take as long as you like to write back to texts if at all), keep any personal or sensitive information private, be noncommital, and don’t show lots of emotion or vulnerability. It’s hard for a big-heart to do, but you’ve gotta back yourself here. You can be kind and firm at the same time, and I wish for you the courage to do so.
Remember ‘boundaries, empathy, grace, tact’ in that order.
This one is complex, because essentially you’re allowing your frustration to take you to an unnecessarily judgmental place. It’s much kinder to respectfully detach from the friendship than half-arsedly keeping her around and judging her.
With some differences, I have basically been both parties here (you and her.) It’s definitely frustrating when you have a friend that constantly complains but seems to be doing nothing to help themselves.
That said, with mental illness, all is often not as it seems. There can be a LOT of odd and invisible barriers to engaging in treatment. There can also be a lot of situations where the illness is treatment resistant despite all best efforts. I have engaged in a LOT of therapy, taken meds, done all the lifestyle things you’re supposed to (I don’t drink, smoke, or take drugs. I exercise, etc) and guess what- I am not cured. Not by a long shot. I no longer make it my friends’ problem where I can avoid it, but yeah, I’ve been the person who seems to never make any progress.
Mental illness is absolutely exhausting and the “JUST CAN’T” factor is very, very real. Your friend is also acting in a very frustrating way and it’s not unexpected that you would be tired.
You are not wrong to not find this friendship works for you. You are not wrong to walk away. You are wrong to make snap judgments of what you think is going on for based on what you can see.
Instead of pulling away, why don’t you tell her what you think in the moment? Given that you don’t value her friendship so much any more what have you got to lose? Part of the neurotic vibes you get from her are probably made worse because she senses you don’t fully believe her and that you maybe don’t even like her. She might not even realise she knows this. You’ve made a very strong case against her here, no one could read what you’ve written and not instantly understand why you want out. That said, I don’t really believe you feel that bad based on what you’ve said, not sure you should feel bad but it feels a bit more like you’re not authentic with her because you can’t handle the consequences of being critical of people.
This is only a tiny snap shot, so I could be wrong, but my guess is the reason you can’t stand her is partly because she expresses what she feels, needs and wants all the time, constantly, and her partner basically attends to those.needs.
My next guess is that you are not at all like this, and that you fear acting this way on a deep level. You care a lot of what people think of you, and this is trapping you with people you don’t like.
Honestly she sounds awful, but you need to be better at owning what you really think and feel.
It doesn’t make you a bad person to not want to spend your limited time with someone who makes you unhappy. It’s ok to not be friends with someone anymore. People change and relationships change. It’s ok to stop a friendship, even if you’ve been friends a long time or you’re that person’s only contact. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to help themselves.
As others have said, you don’t owe anyone your friendship, full stop. Doesn’t matter if you have a “good” reason or not—you get to decide who has access to your time and energy.
I was in your EXACT situation and I eventually ended the friendship, which was such a relief. While I felt a bit guilty, I also realized I was coming to resent my friend a ton and the friendship was never going to be salvageable. It wasn’t totally her fault that she was annoying and obnoxious, but forcing myself to spend time with her/talking to her was having a negative effect on my mental health.
One of the greatest gifts of my 30s was realizing I don’t have to be friends with people who make me feel bad/drained/taken advantage of, even if they didn’t do anything major to hurt me.
BTW, I also managed to convince this friend to see a therapist and get on medication. Guess what: she was still an annoying asshole.