I (31 M) have been in a relationship for 3 years and 5 months with someone (31 F) who is, in many ways, a kind and thoughtful person.
Half a year ago I realized I didn’t feel great in this relationship. She used to make subtle jokes or backhanded comments that chipped away at my confidence, and honestly they were so subtle, almost like masterful.. or would put me down when hanging with a group of friends or colleagues. There were multiple moments where I felt unsupported or even embarrassed by her — sometimes during big, vulnerable moments in my career (both of us in the same profession) She apologized and has improved since then, but the damage stuck with me.
There were other moments too where I’ve I felt small, dismissed. Again — she’s improved since, but my heart never fully came back and it triggers this resentment I have inside of me from my childhood of growing up in a unstable and sometimes violent house where I was taught to keep quiet and walk on eggshells to avoid conflict.
And yet… she’s been so nice recently. Gifts. Support. Kindness. That makes this even harder and confusing for me.
But deep down? I’ve realized I’m angry. Not just at her — but also at my past, at the fact that I used to feel confident person, on top of the world, who could achieve anything. Now I feel like a shell of myself. This relationship has somehow brought up pain I’ve lived before — one that I didn’t realize I was haunting me my whole life. I’ve spent years shrinking myself to avoid conflict, let people walk on me, and I think this relationship — without meaning to — kept that pattern going.
Part of me feels like I’m staying out of guilt. Fear. The hope that people can change and kindness means compatibility. But it doesn’t. I want to be with someone who builds me up — not someone I have to learn to forgive.
And honestly I can forgive her but I just can’t seem to forget how she’s made me feel. And it’s just so confusing because I care about her deeply, and am so deeply afraid of hurting her, but at the same time I go through cycles of having much resentment for her and my past trauma at the same time. I’m stuck between blaming myself for not being able to forgive and forget and wanting to leave.
Am I wrong for wanting to leave? And if I end up choosing that path how would I convey that to her? Or am I in the wrong for being too sensitive?
TL;DR:
Been in a relationship for 3.5 years. She’s a good person and has changed for the better recently, but I’ve carried years of emotional hurt, subtle dismissiveness, and deep misalignment. Despite her efforts, I feel distant, angry, and small — like I’ve lost myself. This relationship echoes trauma from my past.