I’m 23, 13 weeks pregnant, and currently in school full-time using VA VR&E benefits (Chapter 31). My husband is active-duty Army (E5) currently stationed at JBLM, but he just PCS’d and is in reception at his new unit. We just got here not too long ago.
Out of nowhere, my husband told me he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to separate. This came as a complete shock. We were just moved here and settling in staying at his cousins place till we found housing, and now I’m having to figure everything out on my own — pregnant, in school, and unsure of my rights and support options.
The first two days this happened when he told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he’s been feeling this way for a while, but finally was able to say it. He was acting really distant, snapping at me when I would bring up separation pay cause he thinks I want the money. But I don’t want any of this. I even told him that he’s the one who wants to separate
I’m currently staying at JBLM in the same household but technically separated because we don’t sleep together or talk at all and I was plannings to move to Hawaii to live temporarily with my in-laws near. They’ve offered to help with housing and support once I get there.
Of course I’m sad. I literally cried my heart out because that is my husband. I love him so much, but even prior to me getting pregnant and then after I got out of the army, I became depressed and started gaining weight and was just not motivated and he was still currently in the army and he just didn’t like seeing me not take care of myself and not being motivated and being bad with money and all I would do is eat, but eventually, I had a plan when we got to JBLM I would start school and found out I was pregnant. I still decided to continue with schooling but even if my prior plans to lose weight I couldn’t anymore because I’m pregnant. And this pregnancy was planned. We both agreed we both excited for me to take out my IUD and I will take ovulation test and we were actively trying to get pregnant. He said he’ll be here for the baby in for me last night. We finally had a good conversation where he told me he wouldn’t leave me high and dry and that he’ll give me whatever payment they say that is needed to be given and that we could be friends and that hopefully we can do 50-50 for the baby But like even everyone thinks this is so all of a sudden. Does all the things that he’s saying that is wrong with me or our marriage it’s things we can work on and he wants to be separated and then eventually get a divorce and telling me that it’s OK to date other people if that’s what I want but it’s not what I want. I want him
Earlier today it’s currently 6:59 so this was couple minutes ago. I couldn’t sit still because my husband went out to drink with the boys. I had this uneasy feeling, and I just needed to check if my husband’s car was outside—and it was. really see inside, but I went up to it and tried to peek in. He saw me, and I just stood there until he opened the door. He said, “What’s up?” I asked if we could talk, and he goes, “About what?” I told him I didn’t really know, just that this whole situation doesn’t sit right with me.
He reminded me we’re separated, like that’s supposed to make everything make sense or feel okay. But it doesn’t. Not when I’m carrying his child and our lives are so tangled.
Then I noticed—he was sitting in his car drinking. He had a can of beer open right there and a bunch of them on the passenger seat. I’m pretty sure he was drunk. He didn’t seem aggressive, but it was just… off. He’s never done anything like this before, and honestly, it kind of scared me. Not in a physical way, but just the weight of it. Like, is this where we are now?
I don’t know if I’m more heartbroken, worried, or just numb.
I guess I’m posting this because I needed to tell someone. I don’t know what’s normal anymore. This just feels heavy and sad and surreal.
Comments
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Perhaps given how early it is you should consider terminating. This guy is not your future.
Sounds like he needs some help, the military can be a lot to handle from what my buddies have told me. Something is wrong and he’s in need of help before it escalates.
Sounds like he’s with someone else now. Seeking privacy to either text on his phone or make phone calls is a red flag he was not out with friends and he’s made it clear that it’s over. Start getting a life plan in order to take care of yourself he will owe child support for the baby. Some schools are very accommodating for single parents who are attending and offer either free or reduced child care you could also move into the schools housing. and start looking for other housing.
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Sorry to be rude, but…
How can you believe you can take care of a baby when you can’t take care of yourself? A baby is a humongous amount of stress. You need to be well in your mind and body.
This situation sucks, and whatever decision you take about the child, I support you and I hope you well.
Do you have any family you can move to? You can’t think clearly when you are in the thick of this. You need someone looking out for your best interest and the hubby ain’t it. It is over w him. You need to focus on you and your baby. Get away from him
He doesn’t want you to he is no longer your problem especially when you have your own life to figure out. Spend all of your energy on you and leave him alone. That’s what he wants.
Working on getting pregnant when you were admittedly suffering from depression was just a terrible decision and now your poor child will have to live with this decision if you continue.
He’s told you he’s done, you need to be done as well.
Go.
I wasted 7 years on an Army man who kept explaining to me that the Army taught him to drink AND he was an unstable person.
Mine was sober the whole time until he wasn’t at the very end.
Pull the plug and go be with a man who isn’t so damaged.
For the baby!
Go!
If you like your in-laws and decide to have the baby, go ahead and go to Hawaii and let the future ex laws help with everything they are willing to help with and get court ordered support from your ex husband for everything else. Go to school, let his family help, get your mental health in order and then move forward with your life and child on your own. Hawaii is beautiful and relaxing and has great social services (at least it did 10 years ago when my cousin lived there and got injured/disabled on the job).
Living there will also be a constant reminder to your ex that he won’t be able to just ditch the life and child he created with you. You don’t have to talk to him, but you can hold him to his responsibilities.
Get a legal separation and make sure it includes him supporting his child. Go to Hawaii to get away from this situation. You and the baby will be much better off. You are going to need support and the baby is going to need stability. Don’t stay where you are not wanted and try to fix something that you can’t fix. He knows where you are if he can get himself together.
Family member was in a similar situation. Called his CO and asked for help. They got them into separate counseling. Not sure how it works but that’s where it started.
He’s thinking pretty deeply about something and perhaps mourning something you guys both shared. I’m not accusing you but did you guys BOTH agree to get pregnant or was this mainly your decision? Did he want to have a child THIS moment?
They should pay for a nanny if they want to have the afternoon off.
Maybe suggest individual and/or joint therapy. It sound to me like he is in a depression right now. Maybe you both need help getting through this on your own for individual. For joint, it can start as trying to unerstand what happened in the relationship and how move forward without resentment and do what is best for your child.
Don’t rush to terminate your relationship! Wait and observe some clues or indicators that are apparent. Reason I use to serve my magic recommendation in the form of mastered custom music that joins lovers like a glue loving each other back to back.
Sounds like you’re reeling from the shock. His sudden change of heart and now drinking alone… it’s a lot to process. You’re carrying his child and trying to navigate this mess while in school. Hope you get the support you need from your in-laws in Hawaii. Hang in there.
Sounds like you’re reeling from the shock. His sudden change of heart and now drinking alone… it’s a lot to process. You’re carrying his child and trying to navigate this mess while in school. Hope you get the support you need from your in-laws in Hawaii. Hang in there.
Time to visit the JAG. The military makes sure they pay every cent you’re entitled to. I’m sorry this is happening but you will realize a strength you didn’t know you had when being a single parent. My kids are grown now but it is possible. Thank you for your service.