over 10 years of a dead bedroom, 4 years of it being 100% nothing. I couldnt take it anymore. I was losing my mind and miserable. All the talks, therapy, and pouring my soul out trying to make her understand how I felt did nothing. I spent years trying to do more around the house, make her life easier, learn her love language and all it ever got me was silence. She will not talk about it, she will not engage with the issue, and refuses to seek medical (mental health or physical) help.
I gave up and made a selfish decision. I thought the guilt would crush me, but instead I feel happy.
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If it’s truly as one-sided as you say it is, why even stay married?
Your marriage is as dead as a strip club parking lot at 10 am on a Wednesday. Fuck it and bail and let the good times roll
Why not get divorced? Or tell her that you want to explore poly/ENM? Side note, be sure to get tested for your own health safety.
Fuck it we ball
I think you should leave that marriage buddy.
Get divorced and start dating someone who wants to fuck you without being paid or guilted into it.
Those women do exist.
You only have one life, don’t spend it with someone you resent.
why don’t you get divorced and have a fresh start
Why stay together when both parties don’t do the work?? The cheating isn’t cool but I cannot condemn you for it. You got a decision to make because this can’t go on.
And trust me, if you’re suddenly happy… she’s gonna notice. Rather be the plaintiff than the defendant.
It took me a good minute to work out what an electric scort was, as I was reading it as e-scort 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Can she support herself in case of a divorce? Does she work or is she a stay at home?
Staying on the wrong train makes the return journey more expensive. You know what is the right thing to do. Set yourself free.
Why not just divorce?
Just divorce her. Why couldn’t you do that before you cheated on her? What’s wrong with you?
No one says you can’t enjoy the spiral into destruction.
Are you a narcissist?
10 years of a dead bedroom? Fuck.
Might as well divorce her now.
You didn’t cheat to feel good you cheated because you’d already grieved the relationship in silence for years. Doesn’t make it right, but it makes it human.
You know there’s a real thing in karma right smh
I was a regular customer of a pair of girls from Montreal who would come to Toronto for the weekend to make money, and they said that 80-90% of their customers were married. They were more high end (expensive), so maybe that’s why, but a ton of married men see escorts on the side from what I understand.
divorce should’ve happened 4 years ago
Marriage isn’t a prison, but cheating isn’t freedom it’s just a quieter kind of grief. You didn’t escape the pain, you just changed its shape.
She is being incredibly selfish. Why do you love someone so selfish? A satisfying sex life is a requirement in a relationship, even if that means both sides don’t ever want it. When there’s such an imbalance it’s completely unfair. You are not alone btw. Escorts are busy people…..but it means you are now a liar and a cheater. The answer of course is to break up and both find someone who is a suitable fit.
No kids? If
You have kids and finances are an issue than I get it.
No kids? And you stay? Makes no sense based on your description
Dude, get a divorce and marry someone you love. You don’t love your partner if you’re “happy” doing something that would completely destroy them if they were to find out.
You may have wasted at least 4 years, friend. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you haven’t been on the same page for a while. It’s not fair to you or her. A clean break and dating someone compatible would be best for you both, it sounds like. Good luck!!
You could’ve just stated that last sentence. No need to hear the BS justification behind it.
But now that you have given that context, forget the cheating for one sec and ask yourself what is even the point of being together? This sounds far beyond just sex and intimacy.
Divorce and get a good lawyer to avoid alimony. Live your life bro.
Why wouldn’t you just get a divorce?!? You tried everything, she’s not interested. You’re not compatible!!
Get a divorce! Don’t just turn yourself into a cheater and be fine with it! Find someone you don’t have to pay ffs
I never thought I’d be where I am today. We weren’t completely dead but for 26 years or so of our marriage we were on very different levels of sexual need….her once, maybe twice monthly. Me once, twice+ weekly. (Once and occasionally twice weekly would have been enough).
I sucked it up at 2ish times a month after getting tired of the rejection all the time I stopped initiating. Eventually I slowly worked in the thought of opening our marriage…little hints mixed into sex talk gradually increasing over a period of a year or 2 combined with her hormonal changes as she got older and started wanting it more with me anyway before finally having the talk about opening our marriage. We’ve been open for 3 years now. We both have our own FWBs
She says she wishes I would have suggested it sooner because she knew I wasn’t getting what I needed physically.
You never know. I never would have imagined in a million years this would be my reality.
I don’t see the issue. She doesn’t want to touch you so someone else did. You still provide a good life for her. She made a choice and this is the result she can’t be mad at you.
Good for you. Sounds like you gave your wife first right of refusal, you did all the right things and put in all the effort and she still neglected you. I don’t know what people are expecting when they get selfish and lazy like that- if I show up at my job everyday but I don’t do any work, I’m not going to get all pissed off and cry when they hire someone else. and for all the people who are going to reply talking about the reasons why someone’s sex drive goes up and down, I totally get that. I’m not talking about vicissitudes, I’m talking about long-term selfishness and neglect. it happens all the time and our uptight old-fashioned culture still makes a big deal out of it when it’s the simplest thing in the world
Why isn’t just divorcing her an option and then finding someone else?
I understand why you did, no judgements. But if you have kids, assets, and she catches you and files for divorce, you’re in trouble. Proceed with caution.
Although without cheating, I was in your position about 4 years ago.
I am now divorced. Plenty of great women want great sex.
Getting a divorce is not fun nor easy, but I wish I had the balls to do it much sooner than I did!
Get a divorce. You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life like this.
Question OP; how is your marriage OUTSIDE of the bedroom? If it is loving and giving and good- why give that up simply because your wife doesn’t sleep with you? There are options; talk to her about it, don’t pressure her or guilt her; maybe she would want you to find release elsewhere so she no longer feels obligated.
OP, do you have young kids? If not and you have other reasons for wanting to stay with her, am escorts isn’t selfish at all. However, if you guys aren’t having sex and you don’t talk, what DO you have left? A warm side of the bed?! Maybe time to make some hard decisions.
It’s a dead bedroom. No reason to feel guilty. And no. It’s not selfish. That kind of toxicity is really engrained in a lot of societies.
I would say bring it up to her. Tell her this is how you feel and unless you guys go seek professional help from a therapist to fix this marriage, divorce is the better option than staying and being unhappy AND unfaithful. It was wrong to cheat but I also do understand your feelings (I’m a woman myself) but the relationship/marriage is useless if both people can’t work together.
if your kid already grown up id say 18+ its better to divorce man, ure killing urself and ur family, cheating by no means justified whatever reason it is, leave ur marriage 1st.
Ask for a divorce. I believe they are both unhappy in this relationship.
NGL, this reads less like “i’m happy” and more like “I finally felt seen.” it’s messy, yeah but emotional neglect is real, and people act out when they’ve been screaming into silence for years. not excusing it, but let’s not pretend marriage make people immune to loneliness.
You should feel guilty for cheating, because all you have to do is leave the relationship if you want to fuck/date someone else. It’s actually kind of amazing how over-complicated we humans can make things, isn’t it?
While you’re still married, you can’t do stuff like this. The moment you divorce, it’s all on the table again. Some part of you clearly doesn’t know what you really want yet and is having trouble making this choice.
If your wife doesn’t want to have sex for years, i don’t even really consider it cheating. Because there is no sexual relationship with your wife.
Personally, I still wouldn’t condone cheating. If anything, I would’ve asked permission to be open. Some partners would consider that proposition, some wouldn’t.
Why are you even married just divorce and go find someone else.
I seriously cannot comprehend why people cheat when they can just end things first.
Honestly if I was in your shoes, I would’ve just divorced them instead of cheat ngl. But I honestly get why you did it. Next time if you’re ever in that situation again just break up with them before you do that
Brother it’s time to have a very difficult conversation with yourself and then your wife. Not feeling guilt in this situation says a lot about how you feel about your relationship/marriage. 10 years of a dead bedroom was a conversation and decision you were supposed to have over 9 years ago. If she isn’t the right person for you why are you staying? Go find someone else who matches your sex drive and needs better and let her do the same.
Congratulations on enjoying life
OP, this is so common I wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. Many, many men have mistresses. If you lived in France, having a side piece would be considered normal.
Just keep the marriage going to the extent you are happy in it and see your mistress occasionally. No big deal.
Just divorce jfc.