I’m a 32-year-old woman who recently had gallbladder surgery and now lives alone. I’ve completely cut off my mother, extended family, ex-boyfriend, and recently, my sister. I’m not looking for pity. I genuinely want people to tell me if I mishandled this. Be brutally honest—was this all my fault?
My relationship with my mother has always been toxic. I financially supported her for years (she’s a cancer patient), except for rent, which her wealthy family covered. In return, I was micromanaged in my own home. I had no access to the kitchen, was confined to a single room, and had to ask permission to move freely.
Things escalated violently. One day, she physically attacked me—along with her maid—then kicked me out of the house. After that, she began destroying my reputation. She reached out to multiple people in my life—including work contacts and family friends—showing false “evidence” and making up stories. She accused me of using meth (I never have), having sex and doing drugs with my ex, and being a threat to her safety.
She told me that if I wanted my belongings back, I’d have to bring police officers. When I did, she flipped the story to everyone, claiming that I was harassing her with police while she was sick and helpless. That’s the narrative that stuck. Everyone chose silence.
I walked away. Left my stuff behind and started over with nothing.
During that time, I used THC daily for 8–9 months as a coping mechanism. I’ve since quit (over a month ago), and haven’t experienced withdrawals. I now live alone, work full-time, and have domestic help. I’m trying to build something new, but emotionally, I feel completely alone.
My ex of six years left me too. His main complaints were that I was emotionally intense, reactive, and didn’t let things go. When I confided in him about what my mother was doing, he made me delete five years of chat history and said he didn’t want to be involved in any legal mess. He shifted between offering money and blaming me for everything—from my reactions to things like getting robbed or my car being hit. His parting comment was that I was “mad and crazy” and unfit to be a wife or mother. We haven’t spoken since I moved out.
I also cut off friends who felt performative—those who said “I’m here for you” but gossiped or stayed quiet when I was being dragged. None of them showed up. No one defended me. I was being publicly slandered and they just…watched.
My sister claimed she had blocked our mom. Later, I found out she still follows her. Worse—she forwarded me a voice note from our uncle threatening to file a false police case against me, saying I tried to murder my own mother. I told her not to share anything else from them. She did it again, so I blocked her too.
Later, I found out she was telling people that the reason for the fallout between my mom and me was because I didn’t get her cancer treatment done properly. That crushed me. I put my money, time, and sanity into helping her—and now I’m being painted as someone who neglected a dying parent.
No one checks in. No one calls. Just a few dry texts here and there. I feel like my entire community quietly agreed to cut me off. And maybe I made that easy for them. I’ve lashed out in anger. I’ve had breakdowns. I’ve been overwhelmed and maybe hard to deal with. But I’ve never lied about anyone. I’ve never tried to destroy someone’s life like they did to mine.
Comments
You are not wrong. “But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate bullying or abuse, and it sounds like you were getting it from all sides. You were seriously bullied, used, and abused for years by way too many people. No more. Never again. You are much better off alone. Work to built a new family of your choosing. There are decent people out there. You don’t have to have blood ties to make up a family.
One thing you do need to do is document everything. Create an online journal of every bad thing that was said about you and done to you. If anyone comes at you, forward them the document. You do need to protect yourself from here on out.
I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like your family are victims of your mother too, but they cannot see it (yet?). All you can do is live your life and be fabulous. Please get some counselling if you can afford it. Good luck.
You’ve been through so much, and it’s honestly heartbreaking to read. Setting boundaries even when it means cutting people off isn’t wrong when you’re protecting your peace after constant betrayal and harm. It’s not your fault that others chose to twist your story or abandon you. You’re doing your best to rebuild, and that takes real strength. Keep going you deserve peace and genuine support.
You know what you should do? Stay silent and ignore them. They’re your past now. Stay away from toxic people.
I’m so sorry you received such abuse from your own family.
It seems like your mum wore you down until you were so mentally done that you wouldn’t fight back.
I’m glad you are out of there. I can’t imagine how hard that would have been. I honestly think you should move far away from them and never see any of them again and make sure you:
Best of luck OP
You were stuck in a really toxic environment and finally drew a boundary to protect yourself. That takes strength, especially when it means walking away from people who are supposed to love and support you. Yeah, maybe you’ve reacted strongly at times, but that doesn’t make you the villain here, it just means you’ve been deeply hurt. It’s not wrong to remove yourself from people who continually harm you, even if they’re family. You’re rebuilding from scratch, and that’s brave. Keep going.
Unfortunately this is very common for people with narcissistic trait to push their victim into reacting to them. I guess you were repressing everything and exploded every time things doesn’t go well because you were overwhelmed. Remember villain is subjected to narratives. Live your life well, be kind to yourself and start doing things your mom won’t be able to do 🤭
You have been the family scapegoat.
Congratulations on breaking free.
‘Everyone being against you’ does not mean you are wrong. It just means they are ganging up on you and telling lies. You know what really happened and you know that they are lying about you. You know.
So there are some steps to take to slowly free yourself from old patterns of unhealthy relationships. This dysfunction was not your fault, but your future life is your responsibility. For example, you might not be used to a healthy supportive relationships so you might need guidance to learn that.
I suggest you read up on scapegoating in families and also roles in families. If you are able to, find a counsellor or psychologist that you trust.
There are some lovely moments ahead of you as you decide what a good life could look like for you. (Tip: don’t get dragged back into relationships with these people. They will harm you)
Good luck!
She attacked you and the maid, or she and the maid attacked you? Not especially relevant, it’s just sticking with me. Plus, it would change the weight of proof a bit, just in case they do push it to court.
I’ve been in similar situations. Abusive upbringing, everyone of consequence saw and knew, but did nothing. As an adult I ended up with a less than ideal group of friends. Thankless effort and support, dismissed when becoming inconvenient (actually having emotions and thoughts about what was going on, consequently not having the bandwidth to continuously listen to all of their thoughts and emotions). The first plans sacrificed is something better to do came along.
I self isolated for a while after all the backstabbing came to light. Kind of got to know me a bit better. Stopped trying to find people who cared about me that I could rely on to act like it. It felt better to no longer spend so much time and energy listening to their problems and making them feel better, only to drown in my own.
And yeah, there were times when it ached. A deep level of loneliness that comes from the feeling of never having actually been cared about or appreciated, no matter how much was put into them. It’s really hard not to slide down the slope of, “Maybe it was me.”
What helped was remembering how I felt, when I was with them. How hollowed out the disappointment made me feel. How crestfallen when I would be talked over or interrupted. How hard it was to be “understanding” all the time. Even when I was in minor crisis and they couldn’t help but talk about something good that has been going on in their life recently.
Frankly, I’ll pass. I like being able to enjoy what I do. I like being able to choose between things I enjoy doing, without it being overshadowed. And I am a much more satisfied person for having taken the time to choose between good options and enjoy the experience as is. Being under someone else’s control stifles your personality, and limits your ability to figure out what you really like and what you don’t.
I would advise you to find some stuff to do. Go do things, figure out what you like, then do that some more. It may take time, but eventually, and likely through these experiences, your new demeanor and confidence will draw the right people to you.
I don’t suggest actively looking for a found family or close support network. Those under duress go back to what they know. It’s very easy to fall into a trap where they’re “not as bad” therefore equals good. The normal meter was shattered a long time ago. Get to where you can see, “Not as bad, but still not good.” And let the right relationships happen organically.
Your feelings are valid, you’re allowed to express those feelings when someone is antagonizing you. You didn’t make this easy for them, they made this easy for you.